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My Humiliation: I (A 17 Year Old)

My Humiliation: I (A 17 Year Old) Was And Still May Be Attracted To A 40 Year Old ?!?!!
This all started when I got my first job as a waitress at a small town cafe. At this job I met a really attractive Mexican cook, lets just call him “Carlos” to keep this anonymous. Carlos was pretty flirty with me, it was definitely obvious, but when anyone spoke up on it, I of course denied it. It was so obvious that Carlos was attracted to me because he was always winking at me, staring at me lustfully, always looking for an opportunity to touch me and he would touch me. Carlos hasn’t gone far with touching me. It would just be like putting his hand on my back while pointing to where something is or goes and putting his hands on my waist as he steps behind me to get by as if there’s not much room, but there is plenty. He also, always asked me more questions to get to know me better, but I didn’t really ask much about him. So he knew all the basics about me. My name, my age, my birthday, where I was from, where I live, etc. All I really knew about him was that he’s Mexican, single, I knew his name, and he was into some of the same stuff I was into. Not a lot of info at all. Now I’ve always had a fascination with the Hispanic culture and I’m practically in love with the language even though I don’t know very much of it. Hearing Spanish soothes my ears and hearing Spanish sung was like Heaven to me. I wanted and still want to know how to speak Spanish Fluently so bad so Carlos agreed to teach me. Though there was a lot of drama at work between everyone, things with Carlos and I were great. We’d always ask how each other were and tried to keep each other happy, ignoring everyone else and sticking with each other. The other girls at work were much older than me, like 40’s and up so they had there own little clique. Together they would tell me stories about both of the cooks. How they’re so rude, ignorant, mean, and that one of them was a huge flirt. We’re gonna call the other cook, “Mateo”. Mateo barely spoke any English and despite all the stories I was told, was so sweet and nice to me. We could have been best friends if I knew what he was saying. Anyways, I had a ride to work who happened to be one of the waitresses at my job and was also my moms friend. I’ll call her “Tiffany”. Tiffany is a complete bipolar bitch who complains and whines when she doesn’t get her way. She made work miserable for me while Carlos made work better. Skipping ahead, one day I decided to give my number to Carlos. This was the day he wrote on paper, “tus ojos son tan hermosos” “Meaning: your eyes are so beautiful”. He also said this out loud to me before he handed me the paper. This triggered me to get the nerve to give him my number after work. This is when we started texting. It was only about 5 days later when my ride, Tiffany and I, lost it with each other. She started complaining about her making less money because of me and started picking at me for every little mistake I made. My boss would tell me I’m doing great, just ignore her. Even though Tiffany always ranted about me to everyone at work, including my boss. I couldn’t take it anymore, it was ridiculous! I couldn’t deal with another tension filled ride home with her. It’s a 25 minute ride if we’re lucky plus the additional time she takes stopping places. I’m the shy, keep to myself, keep my mouth shut, sensitive, and emotional type, but I was done letting her run me. I raised my voice back one day and this was my last day because I’ve had enough at this point. In my head I’m like, “Today’s your last pay check girl. Then you’re out this bitch”, and I was. Just so you know, like I said, my ride is Bipolar. So at first she’s ranting to my boss and then says, ” Well then I will release some of my stress. I will be stress free because I’m not gonna be her ride anymore. How about that?”. Then, she later told me that I have to find a new ride. Go get a ride from the cooks, go get a ride from Carlos and so that was what I was going to do, but was she okay with that later??… no.. of course not. Because I didn’t want my mom completely upset with me, I texted her, “Hey mom. Can I have one of the cooks drive me home? I just want to go straight home and Tiffany has somewhere to be after work before I can. Plus I really don’t want to be in a car with her right now.”. First off, I sent that text to Carlos first by accident and had to tell him that was a mistake. So I’m all like great he’s gonna think I assumed he’d take me home, but instead he lets me know that if I need I ride he’ll give me one.. it’s no problem. Thank god, so I thanked him and now I have a ride home at this point. My mom responds, “Yes, but straight home.” My mom actually met Carlos once when she had lunch at the cafe I work at. She tipped him because of how great the food was and thanked him. Now, we’re all literally about to leave and Mateo does leave so I said my last goodbye to him. I finish cleaning my last table when Carlos tells me that he’ll wait in the car for me, don’t rush, but of course I kind of rush anyway because I want to fucking leave. This is the moment where Tiffany notices that Carlos is going to be my ride home so she says, “Oh, you’re not getting in the car with him. Your mom would kill me. Now I’m like.. are you fucking kidding me, you just said I had to find my ride home and some of your exact words were, “get a ride home from Carlos”. So whatever, I’m thinking this bitch is crazy and I’m just gonna ignore her. Then, she calls my mom… MY mom. She’s been complaining to her about me since I started working at that cafe. Whatever happens, she reports it plus twists and turns things for my mom and I. So I kept saying let me talk to her, stop telling me what she’s saying, just let me talk to her because I know that if she knew the situation right now, she’d be okay with me getting a ride home from Carlos. She would not hand me the phone, but when she finally did, my boss pulled up to close the cafe so I tell my mom I’ll call her right back and apparently my mom thought I meant the sweet older lady Maria, but she’s not a cook.. I’ve told my mom that, but okay. Now I have Tiffany and my boss telling me not to get in the car with Carlos. My boss is like a very nice father figure caring guy. So I almost didn’t get in the car with Carlos, but Tiffany kept being a complete bitch so I didn’t want to feel like she won and deal with a car ride home from hell. Right when I was about to turn around to walk back into the cafe, I muttered under my breath, “Fuck this”, and kept walking towards Carlos’ car. So I get into the car and thank him so much for giving me a ride home even though I am awful with directions and have no idea how to get home from there. Luckily, he knew how to get to the city I live in and we google mapped the rest. Despite what Tiffany said about Carlos, the ride home was great and completely PG 13. Carlos didn’t try anything on me. So I get comfortable and call my mom to let her know all about Tiffany and her lies and that everything with Carlos is fine. My mom is very protective, but after my call, she felt better. She told me to thank Carlos for her and to text or call her when I get home. I agreed. Finally, I can just relax now and enjoy a peaceful, bullshit free ride home. On this ride home in the beginning, I pretty much ranted to Carlos about Tiffany and he did too, but after that things were pretty great. We talked about our hobbies and what we like to do. Plus, I expected to hear Spanish music the whole ride home, which I love, but he had dubstep, trap music kind of stuff playing, which I loved even more. I never would have expected him to be into that, I honestly haven’t met many people who are into it, but I love it. Carlos said that he listens to it all the time, that it’s his chill music, it chills him out. I was literally like so happy that someone else felt that way about that music. I liked Carlos before, but at this point, I like him even more. He was interested in me and what I was interested in, in life. He cared. These type of things mattered to him and he gave great advice. This ride home was definitely needed. It was so chill and it was nothing, but nice positive vibes. Carlos didn’t make a move on me the whole time and I guess I’m kind of happy about that, but honestly I kind of wanted him to make a move. I was already attracted to him and I really like his personality. We eventually get to my house and he pulls up across the street from it. I notice that no one is home or so I thought at the moment, but it didn’t matter it was just my older sister who wasn’t even paying attention. So we’re sitting in his car and it’s so obvious that neither of us wanted me to get out of the car. We kind of kept looking for something else to talk about or bring up to keep me there longer and when it got a little quiet we sort of just starred at each other. Some part of me started to think okay maybe he’s not into me like that. Maybe we really are just friends and I should just walk over to my house. So I ask if I can hug him with my arms reaching out to him and he hugs me. His hug was amazing, I literally got chills from it. Then, I say bye and get out of the car when he says, “Have a nice evening”, which I didn’t hear so I looked completely stupid saying, “What?” like three times. I walk up to his car door side and finally hear what he says and I say it back. After that, I stand there a little longer wanting him to kiss me sooo bad, but realize he’s not going to so I just say text me later as a question. I say bye once more with a smile and Carlos smiles back with his very attractive heart warming smile then drives away. Back to the drama, Tiffany keeps telling my mom more lies and starting more shit. Mind you, she used to flirt with Carlos all the time (and he wouldn’t flirt back because she’s not attractive, she did too many drugs) until she fucked things up between them by snitching in him to the boss. To seem right about Carlos, she says that she seen him grab my ass and play with my hair which NEVER happened. Though part of me wishes it did haha.. it didn’t happen. Of course I told Carlos about it because we’ve been wanting to hangout if it was okay with my mom, but now that Tiffany is putting all of this bullshit into my mothers head, we’ll have to lie about. So I kept the fact that I was talking to Carlos a secret and kept talking to him, secretly.. or so I thought. The day after I quit, I stupidly let my mom use my new phone without me deleting mine and Carlos’ texts first, but I stupidly trusted my mom to not go through my messages because we have that great trusting mother-daughter relationship.. or so I thought. My mom goes through all of my messages and I mean ALL of them. She finds out that I have been talking to Carlos, but does not mention it to me. She just keeps on using my phone throughout the days and I stupidly keep letting her until.. the day of my humiliation. So right before the day of my humiliation, Carlos asks me out to breakfast with him and I happily said yes. He told me when he’d pick me up and I told him where we’d meet up. He also said to wear comfy shoes in case we go for a walk or something. I was so excited. I didn’t think he was the type of guy who would ask me out to breakfast. Right away I had to tell someone about this so I went to my cousin…. “Megan’s” house. After that, I had my whole lie and plan ready to go. Now I just had to set it up. So I text my mom asking if it’s okay that I’m going out with my old friend “Katrina” to breakfast and hangout with her after. My mom asks a million questions as always when I got home, but I was ready for every one of them at that point. Keep in mind that my mom went through all of my messages a couple of times now so of course she’s going to do it again.., but I didn’t know that. Now the day of my humiliation hits.. the day shit hits the fan. Today, I’m getting my siblings ready for school as my mom gets ready to take my sister to court. Before my mom leaves she leaves her phone in another room on purpose so she can use my phone to take a picture of some paper work, but of course.. that’s not all she does. She goes through my messages again and again I didn’t know. Now my mom got what she wanted (screen shots of my texts with Carlos) and she can leave while setting up her plan for my humiliation. She’s all, “Have fun with Katrina, I love you.” I’m all, “Thanks mom. I will and I love you too.” Not knowing she knows exactly who I’m planning on going out with. When, I get my phone back, I notice what looks like a saved screenshot of mine and Carlos’ text messages in my phone notifications, but of course I didn’t think much of it because of how nice and chill my mom was to me… I thought it was just some glitch or something. So my mom leaves, I get the kids ready for school and then right when they walked off to school, I started getting ready for my day with Carlos. I took a shower, got dressed all cute, but casual, did my nails, got my comfy shoes on, and then began to do my hair. At this point, I’m running late and I’m so pissed at myself, but thanks to rush hour traffic, Carlos was running late too. So I take my time and try to get my hair right meanwhile,… my mom calls me. She basically is wondering why I haven’t left yet and I tell her about my insecurities like always and tell her my hair is just not working out, just completely venting to her. She tells me like she always does to stop being that way and she’s sure I look fine, just go ahead Katrina’s waiting for you. Eventually, I’m finally ready to go so I walk to where I’m meeting Carlos. I get there and I wait a few minutes for Carlos to get there with my headphones in, listening to music. He gets there and taps on my shoulder and sits with me for a minute asking how I am and saying I look nice. Then, Carlos asks if I’m ready to go, I said yeah so we walked over to his car and he opened the door for me like a gentlemen. He closes the car door behind me and then he gets in the car. We both buckle up when all of a sudden, some guy walks up to his window saying, “Sup”, and Carlos goes, “What’s up man?”. So I’m like cool, I guess I’m gonna meet one of Carlos’ friends. Then, some girl shows up to my side of the car with a phone recording us, but wait.. that’s not just some girl… that’s my fucking sister-in-law(“Victoria”)…. I’m fucked! Apparently, the guy was her friend from work. I was beyond embarrassed. This felt like a fucking movie, I couldn’t believe it was real. Victoria kept talking a lot of shit to Carlos, making him feel like a piece of shit for taking me out with him. She kept saying he was 40 and I remember my reaction to that. I was like, “Oh shit he’s 40?”, but in my head. He kept saying he wasn’t 40, though apparently later on, Victoria found out he was 39.. not too far from 40. The whole reason I didn’t want to ask him his age is because I didn’t want to look at or think of him different. Now that I knew his age I thought a little differently, but the weird thing is, nothing really had changed for me. I was shocked that things didn’t really change, but at the same time I wasn’t because age never mattered to me. I don’t care how old you are, you can still befriend me, just at a certain not date me. Anyways, back to the humiliation, I kept arguing back and forth with Victoria. Because I was humiliated, I didn’t care if I got a little snippy and pissed off. I was humiliated! I didn’t want to just keep my mouth shut like I usually do. I kept saying just let us go, you know where I’m going.. nothing is going to happen, we’re just friends. Apparently my mom set this up to make sure Carlos doesn’t do anything to me and never tries to talk to me again, but I know this wasn’t just to humiliate him.. this was for me too. The whole time Carlos was apologizing, saying that we’re just friends, telling me it’s okay, go ahead, I don’t want your mom to worry.. You know things rapists would say right?? I kept going back and fourth with my mom as well on the phone. Eventually, after the bickering between Victoria, my mom, and I, that had continued for about 5 minutes,…. my Uncle showed up. I literally saw him and muttered under my breath, “Oh fuck no.” as I unbuckled my seat belt and told Carlos to drive away as I apologized for all of this because I felt so bad for him. I know that my Uncle has a history of kicking guys who try to talk to girls in this family’s ass. So I got out of the car and started walking away real quick. Right now, I’m embarrassed, lost, confused, hurt, sad, humiliated, and pissed so when my Uncle and Victoria kept calling my name.. I kept walking. I then, immediately called my mom explaining to her how humiliated I was and how hurt and broken I felt. I knew this was going to spread through the whole family and though I am the good girl of the family, this will have the whole family talking shit about me. At this point, I’m an emotional wreck. I’m crying and ranting. I’m sad and pissed off at the same time. My mom couldn’t be like normal mothers and just tell me she knows I’m lying so she grounds me and has me explain myself with sit down talk.. no. She has to create a whole sneak attack humiliation scheme that, if she knows me at all, knows will scar me for life. My mom had no sympathy once so ever for me. I lie one time about who I’m going to breakfast with and she treats me like a worthless piece of shit daughter. As if she’s never lied to me before, but she has.. so many times. I just never did anything or said anything about it because I’m her daughter. So anyway, after I got off the phone with my mom I went to this near by lake that was like a 45 minute walk and stayed there for hours because I can only forget about my fucked up life right now.. here. I texted Carlos apologizing even more about that day and he kept trying to cheer me up and saying everything is and will be okay, but little does he know, it’s not going to be okay for me. I probably cried for a straight hour after being there and every time I smiled back to a stranger I teared up again because I wished that I could be as happy as our smiles seemed to be. For a while, I just starred out into nothing, trying to forget about everything and for a bit, I did. I was on and off texting my friend “Emma” and my cousin Megan about the whole situation. They tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t work. It’s been hours since my last text to Carlos at this point, but I don’t send another text because I had a feeling he didn’t want me to, which hurt me even more. I was out in the 90 something degree weather for three hours without any water or food in my system for the day. I don’t know the exact time, but I was there from 10am to 1pm. Then, I walked 45 minutes back because my mom wanted me home by 2pm, but I didn’t go all the way home. I stopped at a park a block down from my house to rest for a while because I felt like passing out. I felt the nerves and anxiety kick in from almost being at home. I continued texting the few people I was texting and my phone is now literally at 6% when I get a text from a friend of my sister’s. The text was completely caring and understanding and made me cry all over again when it came to asking me how I was feeling. I felt so broken and alone even though some people were trying to be there for me. I tried to call down a little because I had a feeling my cousin was going to show up and soon, she did. We talked about it a little more and she continued to try to cheer me up. We then went out to lunch and picked up her little brother before she took me home. As we were picking up her brother from school Carlos responds with some texts. They were nice and caring, but he basically said we had to stop talking until I was at least 18 to keep us out of trouble because we may be okay with being friends, but society isn’t. This made me feel even worse. It’s bad enough that I don’t really have any friends, but now I have to loose one?? This sucks! My only friend is Emma who lives out of state, too far for me to go see her. The rest of my friends I cut off from and the reason for that is a whole other story, but all those friends live out of state too. I don’t know anybody where I live now. I’m too shy. I’m not at all good with meeting new people. I only met Carlos because we worked together and he talked to me first. On to the day after my humiliation, by now my mom has talked so much shit about me to the family that everyone thinks less of me. I sat outside my house to talk with my mom, my sister(Rachel), my sister-in-law(Victoria), and for moral support I invited my cousin(Megan). Basically, all other than my cousin told me how stupid and naive I am to even think I could be friends with a 40 year old, but I had no idea he was 40. Then, they were like he could have raped you, and killed you, you could’ve been dead. I was like he knew that Megan knew about the whole thing, so he wouldn’t have tried anything knowing he would be caught. Plus, call me stupid.. call me naive, but I don’t see him doing anything like that. He is a good guy, he has a lot to loose, and he has a daughter. If he was a rapist, he would have raped the other waitresses who used to work at the cafe he works at whom he supposedly flirted with. As a girl, I always look for those sketchy or creepy moments where you can tell something is off about a guy and I didn’t get any of that with Carlos. My motto is the same as ever.. You’re a good person in my eyes until proven to be a bad one. I give people chances and yeah that’s risky, but it’s also fair. I don’t judge people based off of what I hear, I see for my self. It can be dangerous, but I am cautious. I don’t believe in shutting people out because of what other people believe to be true. I believe in giving people a chance to show me their true colors before I assume what they are myself. Almost every time I explained myself my completely rude and ignorant sister(Rachel) whom has no room to even be within the conversation, would chuckle at me as if I am a joke. Now this sister has been in out of my life for years and treated me like shit in my childhood. Then, while she still wasn’t around, she decided to fight over me with my other siblings (which was all for show). She was never really there for me, even when I was there for her. Whenever I make a mistake she talks down to me for it, though she has made worse and many more. So my exact response was, “Rachel, can you please stop laughing at me right now? Because it’s really annoying and rude.” Mind you, this conversation has taken a sensitive and emotional turn while she’s been chuckling about it. Then, my sister stands up and walk up in my face like she’s going to fight me, smacking her hands together as she goes off on me and I don’t even know what she’s saying. All I can see, because I’m sitting down, is her stomach.. she’s standing that close to me to where I can’t even see her face. I was in shock, but I shouldn’t have been. Of course my ignorant sister would act this way. After this, I say, “You don’t care about me”, and I cry more because if she truly cared about me she wouldn’t act that way towards me and make me feel like she hates me. Rachel storms off and I continue talking about the situation with the remainder of the group. I made peace with Victoria, my mom and I got some what better, and Megan and I are still great. A little later my sister comes out smashing my old phone in front of me so hard that I feel pieces of it bounce off the ground and hit me. She kept saying like, “Oh, I don’t care about you?”, and smashing it again and again. This old phone of mine was bought from her a while ago and I was so appreciative for it, I thanked her, but I eventually got a new one with my own money that was better. For some reason, she thinks that buying me a phone just like she bought phones for my brothers, means she cares about me. You can buy, buy, and buy again for me, but that doesn’t mean shit. My dad did the same thing, she knows that, but where is he? Not around here. You have to show me you care not try to buy your way into making me think you care. Anyway, she finishes smashing my phone and storms off, but this time walks around the block. Mind you, my sister is eight years older than me acting like a child and says she wants to move in with Victoria and my older brother. Then, she so happens to come back as I ball my eyes out over the situation and when people try to tell her she was wrong.. she starts crying because she always has to be the victim. She’s never wrong. She wears the poor pity me crown perfectly. Skipping ahead again, so far I’m cool with my mom and Victoria still, but not Rachel. All of a sudden though, my mom flips a switch. I guess she talked more shit about me and got mad all over again. She said she didn’t want me to shut her out, that she didn’t want me to just hide in my room all day everyday again, and that she doesn’t want our relationship to fall apart, but two days ago she fucked things up. I was going to go out with Megan, like I always do. I usually don’t leave the house unless I’m going out with Megan, but when I tried to leave with her this time, there my sister was.. standing out front like an asshole security guard. She tells me that I can’t go anywhere which is weird because I was never told I couldn’t leave, but whatever I just tried calling my mom to see what’s up. My mom didn’t pick up so I texted her and she later texted back basically saying that she can’t trust me anymore so I can’t do anything, but fill out job applications. She also said, that she’s heated over the whole situation and that she’s forcing me to go out and talk to people so I don’t shut down. Okay.. so things were okay between us and you decided to get pissed off all over again probably because Rachel got in your head and you were talking shit again. Rachel didn’t think and still doesn’t think that I’m being punished enough. This is because when she was younger and lied to our mom, she got a bloody nose and mouth. My mom was far from a good mom when she did stuff like this. Beating your kid bloody is not okay. Sorry that she did that to you sis, but you shouldn’t wish for something like that to happen to me. It’s beyond wrong. If that happened to me I wouldn’t wish for that to happen to someone else too, that’s fucked up. As for forcing me to go out and talk to people. Really mom?? I thought you were smarter than that. Who in their right mind would believe that you can force someone to talk to people to make friends? Awesome plan mom, yeah that will work. The next day, my mom forces me to my younger brother’s football game to get me out of the house and talk to people. Even though my brother couldn’t care less if his family showed up and honestly would rather not have us there. The whole entire time.. I sat there.. music blasting in my ears, not talking to anyone. See how well forcing people to talk goes? Yeah, it doesn’t work at all. Skipping ahead for the third and last time, today is Monday, 9~28~15, Five days after my humiliation day on Wednesday. Right now, my sister and I don’t talk, my mom just completely shuts me out..treating me like shit, and I pretty much avoid a conversation with the rest of my family because they all know about what went down Wednesday. Thursday, I wanted to kill myself because that day was the day everything sunk in. That day, I knew my life was going to be miserable from then on.. day in and day out. The only reasons I haven’t put an end to my miserable life is because of my nephew and because I’m afraid to die.. I’m unsure of what comes next. I was definitely right about being miserable though. My whole family looks down on me and I look down on me. No one beats myself up more than I do. People hate me.. well I hate myself more. I’ve been crying a lot lately and I barely leave my room. I am completely depressed. Everyone else in my family can lie, but when I lie, I’m fucked because I’m supposed to be the good girl. Well, not anymore. I’m the stupid, lying, naive teen aged girl who is now a fuck up. As for Carlos and I.. I’m not sure that I will talk to him in the future because part of what people were saying is true and that’s that he could just want sex with me, but I don’t want that with him. I am still a virgin. I won’t have sex with someone unless I’m in love with that someone and see a future with that someone even if we end up parting ways in the future.. in that moment I have sex with that someone, we both can’t see anyone else but each other in our future. I know I won’t have that feeling with Carlos and I don’t want to. So why lead him on? Why kiss him or make out with him just to lead him into what he wants more instead? It’s better to just cut it off for good, but who knows I may still want to hang with him. I’ve always hung out with people older than me. It’s just I know that he’s attracted to me and honestly, you can call me a sick person, but I’m still attracted to him. To me it’s more about personality, but his looks are great too. Age has always been just a number to me, but actions will never go above a kiss or a make out with them because that’s just as far as I could go with someone that much older than me. Right now, I just need to focus on building myself back up from this huge tear down. Hopefully, I can be happy again. That’s all I want is to be happy and for me to be happy is rare. This Humiliation has destroyed me enough. It’s time that I try to make this situation make me stronger. Hopefully it does.

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