“Go on, try it you pussy!” insisted my cousin Jay. He was pushing a Coke can that had been shaped and hole punched to make a quick disposable smoking apparatus. Some of the ashes were still burning from the puff he had just had from the makeshift pipe. I placed the cans pouring hole to my mouth and pulled on the smoke while Jay was holding a flame over the crumbled Moroccan hashish, producing a hot red amber glow as I drew the potent smoke into my young and innocent body. My throat and lungs were instantly on fire and my body rejected the foreign smoke, violently coughing a cloud of THC and spit back out into the damp air. My eyelids became suddenly heavy and all of a sudden I started to take an unusual interest in the dripping water leaking from a broken gutter pipe from the level above. The disused derelict car parking garage under my mothers council estate block had all of sudden become amazing to look at, it’s mouldy walls and vandalised surroundings had never looked this interesting before. I was stoned for the first time in my life and I was really enjoying it!
Both 12 years of age, my cousin had just passed on an habit that for most lucky people, is pretty much harmless and grown out of in adulthood. Sadly, this was never the case for myself. 23 years later and I’m still coughing up the smoke of Marijuana, but nowadays it’s super strong THC mind bending Skunk, not the simple bit of hash we used to smoke in the nineties.
Supposedly scientifically Marijuana isn’t addictive, but if you were able to witness the strong hold
It’s had over my life for the past two decades, or even the people I’ve seen going through the same pain as myself at MA meetings, I’m sure you would disagree strongly as myself.
I start the day with a pure weed spliff which sets the standard for the rest of the day. I love it in there, it’s just me and whatever I’ve zoned into, nobody else just us. The whole world blocked out, allowing me to switch off and chill out without the scary world demanding actions from me.
Sometimes I find the power to pull away for a few days and sober up. I look back and have literally lost months of my life. I’ve spent money I don’t own and have even done some self degrading acts to get my next fix just like an heroine addict would. Even though I’m luckily a popular person, rather than socialise or date, I’ve hidden away from friends and family and have instead chosen to be stoned than go to work. I’ve lost and walked away from everybody that I love the dearest, I’m so alone right now and truly miss the people I’ve pushed away. This has been a continuous loop since my teens, but the past 5 years have witnessed a major need of my own to be constantly stoned, no matter what the consequences are.
I’m still fully unsure to this exact day why I find the need to hide in this stoned world of mine. I’ve not had the greatest of lives. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a very violent and unstable council estate environment with an heroin addict mum. Maybe I’m self medicating for depression and anxiety. Maybe I’m just scared of life and need to hide away? Either way, whatever it is, this is destroying my life, puff by puff, day by day, £20 by £20.
Everybody looks at me and sees a successful, happy and fun guy. But really deep down I’m screaming out for help as loud as I can but nobody can hear me, my confident persona is blocking out my screams. As hard as I try to keep up a professional and respectable life, truthfully things are really bad and have started to crumble underneath me. I wake up everyday in so much pain, I just want the world to swallow me up and it all to end. I really don’t know how long I can keep this up, it’s killing me inside out, literally.
Is Marijuana really has harmless as some people suggest? Is it really a gateway drug? Well, it surely led me into experimenting with other drugs but they never really interested me, weed was always my baby.
Remember my cousin Jay? Well he’s dead now. He died a very sad death, I was there when they turned off his life support machine. The drugs finally caught up with him in the end. His Marijuana use lead him into a life destroying class A drug habit. He became addicted to heroin and whatever else he could get his hands on to, finally leading to his death.
Today is day one of not smoking again, it’s probably the tenth time I’ve tried to stop this year. I can only keep trying and trying until the day I finally kick this life poisoning habit, hopefully before it makes me end it all together.
I dream daily of a normal life like everybody else walking down the street. Are they really normal though, or do they have the same dark side embedded in them too? I hope not, I would never wish this on my worst enemy!
Be careful, drugs are not always as fun as they may seem!
RIP Jay P, I miss you xxx
