Since I can remember, I was always raised well. Good parents, a brother, great family, nice house, you name it. From the beginning of Kindergarten to 7th grade i was always the perfect student, had all A’s, never got in trouble. Honestly the only bad things I can remember was my granddad leaving me at 5, and my brain tumor at 6.
After my brain tumor, it took months for me to start walking again, and months to go back to school, but once i did I managed straight A’s still. 5th grade year I moved to a new school. I knew NOBODY. It was such a weird transition from having all these friends to having none, in one single day. I went through 5th and 6th grade having the same two friends. I spent most of my time playing volleyball. Summer of 6th grade, my only two friends moved away and I spent all of 7th grade alone.
Seventh grade wasn’t to bad until October 16, my old friend Chase took his own life. I remember just coming home that day and not even knowing what to think, I just cried the whole night. As a slowly got over Chase’s death, seventh grade ended. I gradually made more friends over the summer, and I was pretty popular when 8th grade started. In the beginning, of 8th grade year, I started dating.
The guy I was with made me pretty happy you could say, but I did start getting obsessed, and hanging out with the wrong people. My grades gradually started to drop from A’s to C’s, D’s, and F’s. I started getting in trouble with my teachers and hanging out with my boyfriend as much as I could. In the middle of the year, my boyfriend and I started to argue a lot. He would always tell me the meanest things, tell me that I was just using him, that I was a bitch, and just always being verbally abusive. Our relationship started dramatically make my family life a living hell.
One day in December, I wasn’t feeling right. I had been so sad or anxious for the past few months, so being the curious person I am, I pulled out my phone in class and looked up, Depression tests. I can not even begin to explain how frightening it was to take that test. After 30 minutes I had my results. It said, 96% positive of having depression, and I should go see a doctor as soon as I can. I remember just walking out of class, not saying a word. My best friend at the time called me and asked me what was going on, and I told him about the test. We both sat there crying, afraid, not knowing what to do. That night my boyfriend and I went to dinner, and about half way through, I started telling him about the test. We sat there speechless for an hour and a half. My phone rang, and my dad told me he was here to pick us up. On the car ride home, my boyfriend mentioned the tests to my dad, and he started crying, in fact that was only the second time I’d seen him cry.
That night was full of questions, complications, and fright. About a week later, I was in bed, it was about 12 am. I couldn’t sleep, so like usual, I went downstairs to watch TV. I walked in on my dad who was sitting on the couch. He told me something had happened to my grandma. Immediately I just fell silent, I didn’t even know what to do. My mom was missing, and there was a gun out on the table. My dad told me that my uncle had apparently been hooked on drugs, and that night, he had tried to kill my grandma in her sleep. My uncle was arrested and put in a mental hospital.
A few days later, my grandma came over to my house. She had bruise marks all around her neck, and she talked in a hoarse voice I will never forget. That’s what cut it for me. That was the first night I had ever self harmed. That month I was taken to a doctor, and that’s where I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, impulsive, ADHD, and anger issues. I was put on meds, but for some reason that only made things worse. My boyfriend and I kept arguing more and more, and it got to the point where he was so extremely abusive and controlling. That just made my family relationship worse. My dad’s fights and I would get so out of control, that he would end up hitting me in the arms and legs. That too, cut it for me. I would cut, and after I was done, I’d get up and run out of the house for hours and hours at a time. My school relationships also got a lot worse. I got in fights with teachers and students, and I refused to do any work. I ended up having two extra teachers that would have to pull me out of class because I was so anxious or angry or upset. The only way i would get my work in was by my PASS teacher giving me the answer key. That’s the only way I got any grades in the computer, leaving me only actually doing my own work on tests.
The hitting, arguing, and running away would continue at my house. One morning, my mom had left for work, and my dad and I were the only two home. I came downstairs ready to go to school, and for some reason, we got into an argument. He picked up my brothers baseball bat and came two inches away from swinging on me. He threw two basketballs at me, and finally took me to school. Social services was eventually called in, and let’s just say that was probably the worst night I’ve ever ever had. My mom didn’t believe any of the story, she told me I had done it just to get my dad in trouble, and that I was a bitch. They threatened to put me in foster care. After that, my cutting just got worse. I fell into a deeper pit of depression and everything got worse. My arms were covered in scars, and I was barely passing school. I spent most of my days at school in my counselors office or in my PASS room. My best friend at the time ended up ganging up on me, and called me a bitch, a whore, a slut, and other things, and even attempted to fight me at one point. I was just done with everything at that point.
Long story short, I ended graduation with A’s and B’s. Summer after 8th grade, my boyfriend was still verbally abusive, and my depression was still just going downhill. My boyfriend would laugh or yell at me every time I cut. So I turned to alcohol and drugs. I’d spend most of my time at my best friend’s house sneaking out and getting high. One time, I was at a party with my boyfriend, and he brought a Gatorade bottle filled of Vodka. I chugged the whole thing and ended up wasted. My parents found out my boyfriend had brought it, and I was banned from seeing him. Because I was so used to my boyfriend controlling my life, I was devastated, and I would sneak around and do anything I could to talk to him or see him. Then on March 23, 2015, more tragedy hit for me. At a volleyball tournament, our coach called a time out, and told us one of our players had been killed in a car accident. I didn’t even know what to do at that point. I was lost, I was so confused, and I was just done with the world. Still getting high or drunk, I decided to spend a week in North Carolina with my cousins. Although I didn’t drink or smoke, I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. Not the best idea. It put me in an even deeper cloud of depression. He was even more hurtful and mean. When I came back, my boyfriend and I broke up and I shortly moved on to another guy. My life was mostly made up of drugs, alcohol, and guys. My boyfriend, at the time 3 years older than me, was put on probation for possession of marijuana, but would still bring me anything he could. We both ended up cheating on each other and instead of being mature about it, he went off on me and made many rumors up about me.
My depression got worse and I found myself moving from guy to guy, drink to drink, and blunt to blunt. 9th grade started, and I was known as a whore. I was still getting bad grades, still drinking, still smoking, and getting in lots of trouble. I had one major “friend”, Evan. He and I had both lost Chase back in 2013, but we had just recently became friends. One day at lunch, we were outside talking. He had my sleeve of my shirt and pulled it up to find band-aids up and down my arm. The expression on his face was un-explainable . He sat there for 30 minutes and convinced me to eventually stop cutting. Well I did, for about 2 months.
Late one night I was sitting in bed, talking to my friends on Instagram. All of a sudden a girl and her boyfriend messaged me and went on to tell me I should kill myself. So I tried. I really did. The only people who knew were Evan and another one of my friends. The next morning, I walked into school and was called to the office. My volleyball coach and the counselor were sitting in the room, and discussed with me the night before. They called my parents and told them about me trying to kill myself, and my parents were devastated. A day later, I had gotten into trouble, and was suspended.
Still drinking and smoking, I slowly got my grades together. That’s when i met my boyfriend Austin. I had just come back from being suspended and Austin would come up to me in the hallways, always ask how I was doing. He and Evan were my two best friends. And then I lost Evan just like that. Out of nowhere, Evan completely cut me off and that was probably one of the hardest parts of my high school so far, just because of everything he and I had been through. I went back to cutting. Over time Austin and I became closer. We’ve dated for almost two months now, and he’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I’m alot happier. Although I’m still getting caught smoking and drinking, my grades are up to A’s and B’s. I hardly struggle from depression anymore, but my anxiety still gets to me. I’m making new friends, and I couldn’t be happier with the ones i have now. Austin, Jacob, Kyle, Keisha, Kayla, and Gabby, you all mean the world to me, and I am so thankful for you all. I am Ellie, and this is my story.
