Everyone gets a mom and a dad. Some people have “dead beat” dads. Some have “dead beat” moms. Some people even have both. Some people’s parents are amazing and they have both. Some people only have the chance to live with one of their amazing parents. I lived with my amazing father until I was taken away by the police. I still got to see him (less and less but it was better than nothing) until he died. I now live with my unstable mother who thinks its okay to tell me to “go fuck myself”. She needs help but can’t get it because she has to “take care” of my brother & I. My brother & I have been through hell and back, and now our journey in hell just continues. How is it that I got to live the shitty life I live? Both parents have used drugs. Both parents have also sold them as well. My mother is an alcoholic. My father was a “druggie” What’s the difference between the two? My father was willing to quit. Up until the day he died, he was willing to put everything aside just for me. He only sold drugs to have money to pay the rent and to provide me with food. He did attend a rehab facility and was doing amazing. Drugs had ruined him. Even after he stopped them, they caused lung problems, teeth problems, bone problems…you name it, he had it. One day they finally got the last of him. To this very day I know he wasn’t the greatest person, but he was (and still is) my hero. My mom still uses drugs. She is prescribed a bunch of them to help her “get better” but they don’t help, they make her worse. She also uses marijuana. It’s prescribed to her, but she still uses it more than she should. She’s not willing to quit, she’s not even willing to help herself. Several failed suicide attempts later, she walks this earth more depressed than anyone I’ve ever seen. Now I’m not saying I have the worst family situation in the world, but I damn right know it’s not the best. It’s really starting to drag me down. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Sometimes it even gets to the point where I ask myself “why do I even bother anymore?” I’m a teenage girl struggling with depression, weight issues, anxiety, and so much more. I’m such a realist that I think of my future much too often, which surely doesn’t help. I’ve often thought the “what if?” and “would anyone even miss me if I was gone?” And much too often I find myself staring into a mirror in tears telling myself to just hold on a little longer, it’ll all be okay. I’ve had way too much emotional pain that I don’t even think about harming myself (like cutting) but I do think about suicide and the aftermath of my death. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore…
I wish I could tell you that it gets better. I had a very rough (in my own version of what was tough for me) upbringing. My dad was abusive and my mother was a saint. He was in and out of jail for drugs. One day he was so high he almost raped me. There are some things you can never come back from. I feel into depression bad. I tried a few times to kill myself and then just turned to hurting myself more often than not. Life deals us crappy cards. I don’t know how but I pulled myself out. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself for holding on to the things you have no control over. I blamed myself and wondered constantly what did I do. Why me. There’s so many uncertainties that you have to be strong and find out you are worth more than the horrible things that are happening. You are not defined by this shitty hand. You are worth more than this. You will find what’s worth living and thriving for. There will be some other problems and some other obstacle. But it will not define who you are. Who do you want to be?! Do not hold on to these things. Make your life the way you want it to be. And believe me I know it’s easier said than done. But you are not alone.