I feel lonely, angry, frustrated, desperate, insecure, unlovable, and hideous.
I feel this way whenever a guy rejects me.
I want to be happy, loved, wanted, admired, touched, kissed, and desired.
And yet I am still searching. Am I not good enough? Am I not lovable?

If I don’t date I feel bored, lonely, angry, frustrated, and again ugly.
I need to date and flirt to feel alive. Like I matter. Like I exist. Like life is exciting and full of possibilities.
I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know what I can do, or say, or not do, or not say, to fix this. I have felt this way for quiet sometime now.

I am also very very deeply insecure and jealous. It’s because I am not confident in myself and my abilities. I can fake confidence and I can makeup for the insecurity by being too confident. But that also comes off as desperate, clingy, needy, etc. Men can sense all of these very easily. They just know and smell this.

But I enjoy the chase. I enjoy the thrill of courting, flattering, and impressing a guy. (I am a hetero female by the way)
I like making people feel special and important. It in turns validates me that I am stroking their ego thus hoping that they believe my sweet words.

I can also sense when men don’t want me. And instead of then letting them, be I try harder to get their attention to affirm that I am NOT being ignored. Where in fact I do know the truth. Which assuages my hurt feelings, short term, but eventually I get hurt so bad that I never want to do it again. But a few days later I start the same cycle over again.

I want to change. I just don’t know how to.