This is the story of a girl who has suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder and how she over the years, has learned to overcome and love herself for who she is despite this disease. My life has been far from easy and I’ve had to learn how to overcome many different obstacles that I have been faced with. At the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The internet defines Borderline Personality like this:” Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that causes intense mood swings, impulsive behaviours, and severe problems with self-worth. It can lead to troubled relationships in every area of a person’s life. Most of the time, signs of the disorder first appear in childhood”. Now let me take a moment to tell you this story through the eyes of a borderline…
October 5, 1992 a beautiful baby girl was born. Her mother was thrilled for she had been wanting a baby girl for quite some time now and The Lord has finally answered her prayers and blessed her with this precious little girl. However, her father was not impressed. After only a couple days after the little girl had been brought home from the hospital, the father was convinced that there was something wrong with her, and took her back to the doctor insisting that she wasn’t normal. The doctor examined the baby girl and told the father that he had a healthy little girl and sent him on his way. Over the years, the little girl grew up and as she grew it would seem that father was correct, this little girl wasn’t normal at all. It didn’t seem to matter how much her mother loved her, the little girl grew up feeling as though she was an outsider looking in. She always felt as though she was “different” and didn’t belong.
Her father was a consistent remember of this, he always took every opportunity to remind the little girl that she did not belong in this family nor was she wanted. Father was a very cold hearted man and extremely abusive. During the early years of her childhood, she recalls her father becoming very enraged and violent. He never hit her but her brothers were a different story. For the first early ages of her life, she remembers the cops being called a lot because her father would become enraged over things like “spilled milk”. Father would get angry and take out baseball bats and beat her brothers. The little girl learned at a very young age that communication was not how things were done in this house hold. If you wanted attention then you acted out, screamed and threw fits, but never did you use your words to express your feelings. Feelings were not valid in this house, nor did any one care about how you were feeling. If you were quiet, then you could go days with being unnoticed. However, if you threw a fit then people paid attention to you. Little girl learned quickly that negative attention was better than no attention at all. Little girl learned to mimic her father’s behaviour and threw tons of fits over anything and everything. No one knew how to handle her, outsiders looking in would claim that she was out of control. Her mother remained closed off and distant.
Mother did not know how to handle the little girl and instead gave into her every wish. Mother felt guilty for the things that went on in that household, and in return tried to buy the little girl’s love with material things. Over time little girl became spoiled and learned that “no” didn’t actually mean “no”. No actually meant, throw a fit and eventually mother will cave and give you that extra $1. Over time little girl grew up, and as she grew she became very emotionally disturbed and saw the world as a bitter and terrible place. She threw fits to get what she wanted, and acted as a brat to pretend that she didn’t care what anyone else thought. But deep down inside, she was hurting, crying out for something else. There was this void that she just couldn’t seem to fill no matter how hard she tried. After a while, the little girl wasn’t so little anymore. And as she grew, the more uncontrollable she became. Her parents tried everything, her father would bring in doctors and pastors and tell them what an awful uncontrollable child she was. He would tell people that she was the reason this family was dysfunctional. He often reminded her of how disgusted he was that she was his daughter.
He was always jealous when mother would pay attention to her, instead of spending time with him. As she grew up, the more hated she became. Father spent a lot of time taking the family out, but would never allow for her to tag along. The little girl spent most of her childhood years alone, neglected and by herself. Her cat Cookie was her best friend. Because the little girl was never taught how to communicate with others, and was always told that whatever happened in this house stayed in this house, she had great difficulty making friends. Her father played psychological mind games with her, and taught her that it was never okay to make friends and confined in people. So, as the little girl grew the more confused and cold hearted she became. She followed her father’s instructions and became quiet and fearful. In school, her peers labelled her as the “weirdo” and no one wanted to be her friend. The little girl spent most of her life feeling left out and lonely. All she ever wanted was to belong.
Little girl also had three brothers, but they hated her too. And she wasn’t to found of them either. Her father taught them that they were to hate her, because she did not belong in that family, nor was she wanted. At a young age the little girl’s older brother started molesting her. This lasted for a few months. This caused the little girl to become even more confused and even more bitter. She didn’t know what to do. Who could she turn too, when it was made perfectly clear to her at a young age that in this household problems or issues were not addressed. Everyone was taught to fend for themselves. Eventually, the abuse stopped. The abuse caused the little girl to become even more angry and empty feeling inside. She cried out to God a lot, but felt as though he was distant and far away. Even though her mother had brought her up in the church, she didn’t believe that God loved her.
She always thought, that how could such a loving God allow her to go through such pain and heartache? Over time, the little girl met an older woman at her church, who she began to trust and confined in, and eventually her secret came out. The lady at the church had no choice but confine in the Pastor of the church and discuss the best way in handling this situation. The church leaders decided that it was in the little girl’s best interest for them to talk with her parents about the matter. After father and mother found out, on the outside, they pretended to take the necessary steps to help resolve the issue. But on the inside, the father was enraged with the little girl because she told the church lady instead of her own mother. He expressed angrily that it wasn’t that lady’s business and that things like this are to be discussed inside the house only.
Mother on the other hand, remained distant and no one ever took the time to come to her and comfort her and explain to her that it would be okay and that it wasn’t her fault. Instead, they made the little girl become confused and angry. They tried to put her in therapy to see if having someone on the outside to confined in would help, but the little girl was impossible and refused to go. She threw fits upon fits and when she was dragged to her sessions, she sat in the car and refused to get out. Her therapist would try to come get her but she would still refuse and also refused to even talk directly to her therapist. After a while, her therapists would throw their hands up and apologize to her mother but explained that they can no longer help the little girl if she won’t talk or help herself.
As the little girl grew older and became a teenager, she was even more bitter and disturbed than before. She was the most disrespectful despiteful little girl any one has ever met. No one wanted to be around her, because she was constantly causing problems. Deep inside though, she was just crying out for help but didn’t know how to express to her friends that she just needed someone to love her, accept her and listen to her. She spent her time bottling up her emotions and wishing that she were dead. By the time the little girl became 15, she started gambling with suicide and spent the next few years of her life in and out of psych hospitals. No one really knew what was wrong with her or how to help her, because the little girl refused to accept the help.
Sometimes, she would start to show signs of recovery, but not long after she would return home, she would slip back into old ways. She spent her time eating her emotions and becoming fat. Her father refused to speak directly to her, and often pretended that she didn’t exist and referred to her in 3rd person, unless he was telling her how fat and worthless she was. She grew to hate her father and this caused her to become very bitter. She knew that she needed help but didn’t know how to get it. She continued to go to church and seek out Jesus, but always felt as though He were far away and out of reach. She was angry at Him anyways for allowing her life to turn out the way it had.
Eventually, the little girl grew up and turned 18. On her 18th birthday, her father filed for legal custody of her, claiming that she was mentally unstable and could not take care of herself. This caused the little girl to become even more angry and bitter, especially because she knew that her father’s intentions were meant for harm not for good. Her father did not want to help her, more than he just wanted to prove how crazy and dysfunctional that she was and lock her up in some group home for the rest of her life. But instead God intervened and sent the little girl off to a year program called Life Challenge. Even though the little girl couldn’t see it, she knows now that God was always with her and always had bigger and better plans for her life. Jeremiah 29:11.
Life Challenge, is a one year residential Christian program designed to help those with addictions and behaviour problems by giving them structure and teaching them about Jesus. At first, the little girl was resistant and stated that she didn’t want to go and have to read her bible daily. Her father became enraged at this statement and claimed that he would not have an atheist living under his roof. Her father gave her an ultimatum, either go to Life Challenge, or he would go to the courts and have her locked up in a group home. She chose Life Challenge. During her short time at Life Challenge, she learned what love was for the first time, and finally felt accepted. Now, she was still very much out of control, and because of her ill-feelings towards authority figures, she was extremely disrespectful and even though they gave her lots of love and positive attention, the little girl wasn’t use to that and spent a lot of time seeking out the negative.
Luckily for her, the woman’s director was Spirit filled and was very gracious to her and gave her more chances than she deserved. During the few months, she spent there, she learned how to truly love Jesus and look to Him for her fulfilment. She was even able to lose the weight that she had gained from depression and all the different medications they had her on. However, she still did not truly believe that any one could truly love or accept her, because she never learned how to truly love herself or even who her real self was. She had spent the years building up walls and hiding from the rest of the world, that she didn’t even know where the real little girl was. After about eight months, the little girl had finally crossed the line and was dismissed. Her father was yet again enraged, and reminded her how much of a failure she was and that she was not welcomed back in that household.
But yet again, God intervened and changed her father’s heart. He ended up letting her come home and she was even able to convince him to let her return to school and finish out her senior year. After her time at Life Challenge, she learned that Jesus really was the only way, and she had even started to forgive and with God’s help, she even started to become joyful. Others, instantly noticed the change in her and she was asked multiple times to share her story. It was true, God had used the time she spent in Life Challenge to transform her into a completely different person, and the old person wasn’t even recognizable anymore. She gave all the glory to the Lord. Colossians talks about getting rid of the old self and bringing in the new. And that is exactly what Christ did in this little girl’s life. However, her father never changed his ways and still viewed her as worthless, and after a while the little girl started to lose a little bit of her faith, but this time she never lost it completely. But she still slipped into old habits and although she continued to try to live for The Lord, she was continuously tempted by worldly pleasures and often gave into them, and in the end, they left her feeling even more empty than before and caused her to be ashamed to show her face to Jesus.
For a while, she stopped praying and reading her bible and tried to conquer the world by herself. She failed continuously and would after a while return back to Jesus and things would be good for a while until her crazy borderline emotions would overtake her again and because she had yet to learn how to cope with them, she would give into them and become enraged and emotionally unstable for a while, until they would subside and she would come back to reality. Her crazy up and down emotions caused her to have tons of broken relationships, and eventually her friends would have enough and have to cut off their ties with her in order to do what was best for them. This left her even more lonely and hopeless. She tried everything, she even ran across the country to Texas in hopes that she could make a new life there and get away from her abusive father. At first, it was a really good opportunity and the leaders at the transitional home that she enrolled in were very kind. And in fact, the only reason why she was accepted was because God spoke to one of the woman there and told her that they needed to accept her into this program.
Which was highly unusual, because Enhanced Horizons did not accept youth outside of Texas, let alone the county that they were located in. But God wanted her to go, and she went. Each place the little girl found herself in, no matter how long her stay was, The Lord used each place to help her in a different way. And at each program, she met someone there who she was able to look up to and finally for once in her life confined in. The Lord used each situation to heal her broken wounded guarded heart a little more. And each time, she became a little less guarded. But unfortunately, this little girl still had tons of gapping wounds that weren’t easily fixed. And she still wasn’t the most accepting to the help and love of others. She still had some bitterness in her heart that caused her to self-sabotage. Her borderline personality caused her to become enraged and confused a lot and every time someone would try and help her and befriend her, she would always push them away. And eventually would lose them as a friend. After a while, the little girl realized that she didn’t want to continue in this chaos any longer and that she wanted to have the life that God had prepared for her. She knew that this journey wouldn’t be easy, but she decided in her heart that she was up for the hard work and set out to truly change.
It turned out to be harder than she thought, and she spent the next couple years in and out of her friend’s homes, and even eventually wound back at Life Challenge, where once again she was kicked out for her unending bad behaviour. After she was kicked out of Life Challenge for the second time, the little girl had no more friends who were willing to jump to her rescue. This caused the Little girl to become homeless. But yet again, God intervened and placed it on her friends and Pastors of her church’s heart to pay for her to stay in a hotel room for a few weeks. But homeless and not a dime to her name, the little girl had truly hit rock bottom. She spent the next few weeks seeking out The Lord and His will for her life.
After entering into one more program that did not even last a week, the little girl wound up truly alone, due to her friends had decided that until she helped herself, that they could no longer take part in herself destructive behaviour. This time little girl truly was homeless. She cried out to Jesus asking for His gracious unending love and mercy, and just like every other time He came to her rescue. But He didn’t give her the easy way out this time. He sent her to stay in a homeless shelter for two weeks, were she truly discovered what it meant to be homeless. And she also learned, that other people had it off far worse than she did. After a couple weeks, The Lord opened a door for her to enter into a two-year transitional all girls living home.
Finally, of having enough, the little girl decided that it was truly time to get her life together. Little girl started out with nothing, not even a penny to her name. Luckily for her, God put it on one of her dear friend’s hearts to take her under her wing and mentor her. She didn’t come to her rescue either, but she helped in guiding her and giving her Godly advice. The road ahead was long and painful, but with The Lord’s help, the little girl learned that she can do anything. She started to believe in herself and used her strong will and determination to get herself a job and keep herself a float. For a while, the little girl didn’t have a car and walked an hour by foot to and from work. She was willing to do whatever it took to get her life back on track. She even started going to therapy on a regular basis to get the help that she needed. At first, it wasn’t easy and more often than not, the little girl fell back into old ways and wound up more than once back in the psych hospital. Somehow, she managed to keep her jobs and with the help of Jesus and medication, she started to show some progress.
After a while, an elderly woman who had known the little girl since her childhood, saw how hard she was working and bought her a car to help her get around better. This helped the little girl to get a better job doing what she loved. Unfortunately, the little girl still had her ups and downs and due to still not being able to cope properly with the borderline, she lost her jobs but this didn’t stop her and this only taught her to try harder. Each time she fell back down, she got back up and asked Jesus to continue to help her. After a while, her good friend and mentor decided that she had to step away from the relationship for a while due to the little girl’s abusive behaviour towards her. Little girl still had yet to learn how to cope with her emotions, and when her friends would try and get close to her, she would continue to hurt them purposely and push them away. She truly believed that if she hurt them first, then they couldn’t hurt her. But each time she lost a dear friend, she felt a little emptier and alone.
Deep down, the little girl didn’t want to keep pushing people away but she didn’t know what else to do. But after she lost her dear friend, she realized that she didn’t want to treat people poorly anymore. It was now her second year at Vista Maria, the all girls’ home. And it was a new year. She made a vow that this was her year to prove herself and truly change. And so, she did. She still faced many ups and downs and uncontrollable emotions. But with the help of her new amazing therapist they spent endless weeks working on ways to help her better analyse her confused emotions and anger. Over time she learned how to stand on her own two feet and didn’t need to find herself in the acceptance of others. Instead, she truly could just be their friend and have a two-way relationship with them.
This was also the year that she fell in love. This was the best and worst year of her life. She returned to school and conquered her goals, but as far as her relationship went, she still hadn’t learned how to stop pushing people away or how to truly respect them. She was a terrible girlfriend and after a while her boyfriend decided that he could no longer continue living in this kind of abuse and left. For the last time, the little girl became broken and faced the hardest challenge of all, losing the one whom she had truly loved and truly believed that she was going to spend the rest of her life with. Finally, little girl said no more, and can finally say that with The Lord’s help, she has truly changed. Little girl grew up, she finished school, and started her dream job and now has a solid foundation in her relationship with Christ, and every day is growing in His love and grace. Yes, she still has her ups and downs, but she has truly learned now how to cope with her emotions and conquer the challenges that she faces. She has been two-years hospital free and now lives in her own apartment, supporting herself with her two adored cats. Little girl grieves the loss of her first true love, but understands now that life goes on, and that unfortunately she has to live with her mistakes. But thankfully for her she serves a gracious God, and with Him all things are possible.
She finally knows what it is like to experience true unending love. And what it’s like to of been truly loved. She knows that yes, the pain is great right now, but that she will love again and that The Lord will send her another “prince charming”. But until then, she will continue to do the hard work to become an even better person than whom she was yesterday. Little girl is proud to say that she has learned to cope with her borderline, and her last episode wasn’t since the summer of 2016. Every day is a challenge, but she knows that nothing is impossible. She will continue to strive for greatness, and has plans to one day become the next CEO at her new job that she loves very much. Also, last year, little girl went back to court and won guardianship back over herself. She is now her own person. The point of this little story was to remind everyone, that yes life is hard and in life we face many challenges, but take heart, for He has overcome the world. My prayer is that this story will encourage you to not give up and be reminded that Jesus is the only way.