For the past week I have been thinking about three things:
What my future looks like, my high school girlfriend, and killing myself.

I miss high school, how simple everything was – even though life seemed so complicated.
There was no shortage of drugs, and how happy I was to have a girlfriend. Even if I only saw Laura every two months.
The secret I kept for her although a terrible one, seemed like it was the only thing holding us together near the end of our relationship. To this day I have only told the people she asked me to tell (my parents, her mum and the police).
I wish I could go back. Laura and I started talking again exactly a week ago and it feels like the worst kind of torture; I love her.
I have always loved her and I have loved others but never in the same way. I fear that I have missed my chance. I want to tell her so bad how I feel; but I am a coward.

I think about myself and all I see is a fat, worthless, coward. I feel like the world is going nowhere fast and I feel like my life is running perpendicular to that. I don’t have a job and I honestly don’t want one, I can’t imagine anyone who actually does.
It has been said before but I’ll say it again ‘jobs are modern day slavery’.
I feel nihilistic and pathetic.
I want so badly to be able to just go travel and never stop; but I don’t have the courage anymore. I have become like one of ‘them’, the people I always hated; the ones that know getting a job, starting a family, and buying a house. All of this is just falling into the same pattern that has stopped people from critical thinking and just believing everything they hear.
I have always planned to never settle down, I am a wonder, and I have known this all my life. Since the first time we moved house, and when I was seven, in boarding school, only coming home after what felt like a never ending drive up and down the country on weekends, visiting Laura after hitchhiking, busing and flying to see her when I was 16. I have always loved traveling and I never liked people.

I see myself as a dreamer: a poet who can’t wright poems, an artist who can’t make art, a song writer who can’t sing, a chef who can’t cook and ultimately, a failure. I want to apologize to Mel (My ex) if you ever see this I want you to know I did love you and I will always remember you, but we are not right for one another, or at least I am not right for you. I want to apologize to everyone I have ever hurt in anyway and to my parents for failing them… I heard you talking last night – I heard the sadness and the regret in your voices and I’m so sorry. I don’t want to kill myself, but I also don’t want to be myself. I want to be able to live life on my own terms and I feel like a big part of the world is struggling with that right now. I want to be able to tell people how I feel. I have never believed in God but I have always wondered the what ifs.

I really don’t know what I believe in terms of spirituality and after life. I want to believe that the human creature is one consciousness experiencing life over and over again, being reincarnated when we die but I just can’t. I have been rambling and crying for this entire essay and I know it won’t change anything, I know if I want change I have to make it, but I feel powerless and I feel empty. I have hope that if I just keep writing I will find something amongst all of this, that will show me what to do but I have run out of things to say.