Okay, I don’t know if anyone will see this but it’s not important really.

Basically, it’s the classic break up situation. My long-term girlfriend ended things with me recently and this is the first time I’ve had to deal with this feeling in years.

I suffer from anxiety and anger issues, which has put strain on the relationship and now it’s pushed her over the edge. I have been in many relationships and they weren’t all so great, in fact a lot of them were pretty messed up. The thing that gets me this time is that within the space of a few DAYS the best relationship I’ve ever been in came to a sudden end, over the phone.

My old reaction was too freak out, have a series of panic attacks and anger outbursts. The last 2 days have been awful and I have freaked out and got angry. I even told my current ex to go die and that I hated her. My anger has a way of taking over my mind.

However, this time I’ve come to a realization, the realization that I’m getting better, the anxiety is getting better. I’m gutted, no doubt about it. This is the one person I could talk to about my deepest issues, the one person that drove me to the point of madness but the one person who pulled me back every time. She was the best person and the worst person for me all at the same time, and yes, I could’ve been a better person to her. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m thinking about this break up a lot more logically than before. I’m taking a back seat on this one, I have this desire to let things run its course, the reason I am posting here is because I have this constant fear that this IS the end, this IS over.

There’s nothing worse than denial, it does so much damage and it has done to me before. False hope never solved anything, but accepting reality did. I also suffer from loneliness and have for a long time now so that’s why I’m posting here. I have many friends (not to sound like a dick) and yes, they are brilliant, I love them all so much they are beautiful people and even though this only happened 2 days ago they’ve done so much for me. But my ex was the other lonely person, she was someone I could be lonely with, we had each other, we suited each other. I’ve been cheated on, been in abusive and controlling relationships, which in turn made me control and very defensive. I tend to take things the wrong way.

I tried so hard to make her happy these last couple years and she never was. But she always said she was fine, she has a habit of keeping everything bottled up.

I will miss her, and the cats even more. I spent most of yesterday crying my eyes out and being a massive wimp about this situation. Saying that I can’t live without her and stuff like that).

When I woke up before I felt like I was in jail. I felt like the biggest part of my life had been taken, like I wasn’t me anymore. I’m no longer in control of my life. Which in part is true, the difference being that unlike being banged up I HAVE my freedom, I HAVE the internet to turn to, my friends, music, movies, WHATEVER. So, I’m posting here because I need to do anything to get my thoughts out my head. Not to mention the loneliness which is setting in hard.

So, thank you for giving me somewhere to chat rubbish about my life, I am now off to work to try and get on with it, never looked forward to work before!

And thank you if you read this and can relate in any way. If this can help anyone then even better.

PEACE