I’m Yash, I’m 21. I want to write this not seeking for advice or help, although I deeply appreciate whoever it is who is trying to help or be concerned.

From my childhood, I’ve had the reputation of delaying things till the last minute. I love my parents and my sister so much, but I’ve never failed to disappoint either. Yes, there were good things that they were proud of but most of the time I fucked up. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve always wanted to be the cool guy and fucked almost many situations.

There is a saying that goes ‘he who understands that he is a fool won’t be a fool anymore’. I’m a fool, I know it, but I can’t really help and I still continue to be a fool.

My parents on the other hand are very hard working. My dad (greatest dad) worked from scratch to become a multi-millionaire. He literally had nothing. My mom on the other hand understood and helped my dad and gave him so much emotional and financial support.

Now the worst thing is although I know all of this. I’ve never acted like their son. I have so much ego inside me that one day when my parents were scolding (they did it for my good) I back-lashed at them saying something, very offensive, i.e. I told them I don’t deserve such parents (It’s true, for what a dick I was I never deserved them). They felt very bad and assumed they had a flaw in their parenthood. Trust me, they were very nice people they didn’t have a single flaw in fact I should be really lucky that I had such good parents.

Later I joined for university, where I started to smoke up and did drugs, alcohol. I didn’t do it because of peer pressure. I did by myself and I wasn’t an addict also. I could control it but still I’m a faggot.

My parents were so worried about me. I’ve lost myself in studying there. All my friends have graduated but I remained there for 6 more months because I couldn’t finish the course. I’ve literally broken myself from the inside. I didn’t have any girlfriend since childhood (I’m a not a virgin). I always used to let others have a take on me. Sometimes I feel like dying but looking at my parents and my sister. I refuse to die because they wouldn’t want that, my parents have worked so so so so so hard to be in very respectable positions as they are today, they came from nothing to the top. For first they don’t deserve a faggot like and second they will be very traumatized by this if it comes out to be true (which is what also they don’t deserve), although if I die I won’t be aware of their trauma, I cannot do that to them.

I had so many dreams and I’m now worried about all of them. I used to study really well until my 12th std (97%), I failed in school once in a year (5th class) but secured a decent score at school with 8.4 CGPA. Now in university my CGPA is below 5 out of 10. These numbers are very drastic and are at complete opposite ends. Basically, I did well in my 12th because I studied by myself rather than listening to some teacher in the class. But in engineering I could have done everything right but I used to smoke up every day and ended up spoiling myself. I just don’t know what to do now. I have no clue as to what career should I choose. I always wanted to be a billionaire (Lol Me!), but that’s an altogether different story which I know I’m simply assuming all this and satisfying myself by giving fake hopes to myself. I’m an idiot. I don’t know how to act.

I’m not proud of myself at all. Please don’t be like me. I urge whoever reading this to learn from my mistakes. I broke into tears writing all this, this is not fake or some sympathy gaining trick I’m using.