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My jealousy drove me to look

If you’ve read the first chapter, you would understand that I had no more recollection of what happened before I was six…

How would a stranger act towards some other one when, he at first lost the ability to talk well, and in second-hand, like they were expecting something from me, but they what they didn’t understand is that I’ve lost my whole memory, and how would they deal with recent epileptic person who have seizures every night for about a month…

Well, the solution for a new born baby is to keep silent and not to speak – though I don’t remember if I could actually speak at that time – as I told you, I’ve had few recollection …

So, I kept silent, I’ve observed and then started reacting like how I’m supposed to, unconsciously, I recall being wanting to please them though I didn’t know what I was expected to do… and then I started understandings some commons words as sisters, mother and father.

I’ve had three older sister and I was the last, the older one was like a quite sea, and so she got hit numerous time, she did her best I guess to show us that she was wise, and she actually is, but with my second one, the snake you don’t know what to expect, she was a like the demon princess, beautiful from the outside but carrying a lot of “demoness”. She was the leader in some ways, in certain situation, and finally the little one, older and bolder. She was shiny and bright. She would always defend her position even young. She would always support me when I was young, even when hit, she was a second mother for me.

She was caring, and would always write in a notebook what I did and how I spent my day – I don’t recall those stuffs -, what I do, is that I started feeling jealous from her. She would always attract people to her. When a mute baby recently born would suffice himself from copying others behaviours and attitude, I wanted to be like her. At first, I was admiring, then at second jealous and finally I despised her, because I felt like she was not doing things for herself, but she would always think of others beforehand with percentage, means that if she liked someone more than others. She would likely do everything to please the first one, and the second she doesn’t really care about how he feels… The first was my parents, and the second I… and so her taking care of me and baby-sitting me was not in its real place, and I really wonder if it has something to do with the day that I lost my memory… She was the favourite, and I felt like I had no place between them… And actually, not me alone, my father, my sisters felt that too, someone who kept running all day outside just became the one that would rather be at home and keep silent and quiet.

And I felt something really strange back then, I felt undesired, that I don’t belong here, I even went to think that I was somehow adopted, that I didn’t came from mother’s womb, so many thoughts have come across my mind… Is it a coincidence that I don’t have no real picture of mine when I was in her wombs, and why the only pictures of mine that I have was when I have 4 years old… I kept asking myself why, why me? Who am I really? Why don’t they see me, I’m right over here. I want to learn chess too , why are you only playing with my little sister, why do you hate me father, why do I feel like you don’t want me now? Why have you let me alone that day? It’s your fault…

And then , subconsciously I started hating him…

I’m only 7, and I am jealous of my sister, and I hate my father, and I’m at the same time doing everything so as to please him, or at least not to appear as a second character, hidden in the back…

But whatever I did, he did not care, I learned to play chess while he was teaching my sister and playing with her, I learned to study alone because he wasn’t free to give me his precious time while he could to my sister… I developed a really strong feeling of jealousy.

Then, I got back to school, someone know me there, I forgot about him, his mother is happy for us to study in the same class, she is our previous landowner… I think that hens even more stupid than I who was only born 1 years ago… Then there was that guy, the first in class, he was handsome, he draws best, and every girl likes him… I’m so jealous, why nobody does see me, do I have to spend my days like this, jealous at home and at school, I’m sick of it …

Back then, we had a little apartment, 2 room, 1 kitchen… The room was shared by my sisters and I, and there were a set if two beds, one on one another, there were 4. beds, I got to sleep on the right upper one. and I was thinking how the girls in my class would start to see me, especially one of them…

I saw him , one day draw a portrait of an anime character, he drew so well, the circle two, how could be someone be so perfect???

My jealousy drove me to look, and start watching anime… it’s really great. I’m feeling in love, and I’m actually not caring nor thinking when watching animes…

I love it, I’m going to ask him to be my friend, maybe he has other great stuffs or knows of them… Actually, I wanted really bad to get to know him, but instead I got acquainted with a fat one who was, the same at me, somehow, he was admiring him… He is my first friend, I do not know if he knows the me of before 6, but whatever… let’s just be friend…

end of chapter 2.1
#holding hand #in law #watchmedefendher #who do you like #i’mill #neardeadagain #hitme #hatred

 

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