I did not realize on how this is actually effecting my mental state. Perhaps I shall preface this with an overview of my background…
My music background is very limited, I never took music lessons till I went to my undergraduate, but I always had a knack for music; it was the best way to express myself.
I wanted to get into a music program, so I auditioned at 10 schools, got into 1, never putting it into perspective that it that actually got under my skin.
I completed the four-year degree and decided I wanted to pursue a Master’s. I auditioned at 9 schools, and still got into 1 school.
That moment got to me a little bit, but I decided I wanted to audition for a local community group and symphony. EVERY AUDITION I MADE WAS REJECTED. I continued to hold my head high and work for more auditions to local small groups. The result was the same, all rejections. At this point, it really got to me and effected my attitude toward myself and others. They held auditions to travel to Germany, I always wanted to go to Germany; they never considered me as an option to audition. Most of my friends were invited and left me in the dry; needless to say, this effected my self-esteem. Instead, they used a lot of money to hire players (that were students) to fill in the spots. So far, I have never been asked to play or to even consider to be a part of any group, I reinforced my feelings that I was unwanted. The school hosts young artist competitions every year. The first year of graduate school, rejected, the second year, my last year I might add, I got rejected again. To make matters worse, one of the teachers emailed the contestants stating the winners, AND IN THE SAME EMAIL, decided to state that the “judges were so impressed with everyone, that they told me anyone could have won it.” I was the only graduate student my first year that didn’t win, and I was actually the only graduate student to audition the second year and STILL got rejected. I even had professors tell me that “are you sure you are a graduate student?” They even talked to me again, “you are quite good, you know that?”
What the hell am I to believe anymore? Every contest, people told me I would get in, this year was especially the worst. With close friends and family telling me that I was going to be a winner in the young artist competition, EVEN PROFESSORS, and I still get rejected, and that makes the sting hurt even more. Everything I have ever wanted (to perform with a live orchestra, even though I want to be a teacher) was destroyed. I have had good teachings from myself to others, but the being rejected to everything ever is so shameful. Shoot, I even lied about the acceptances just so people know I am not that much of a screw-up, but I feel like I am. This is especially highlighted with my YOUNGER siblings. My sister has been taking lessons (something I wanted my parents to do for me, but never got) SHE DID THOUGH. She has been winning competitions and talents and my brother has been winning internships and my loved ones have won auditions to travel (Almost all my friends won the things I want) and here I am. I even had my own mother tell me that I never did the amount my sister did. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I asked to take lessons; I had to bust my ass and put all my energy into my craft only to be led to more disappointment. I am not that bad, am I? It just hurts way too much and it has gotten in the way of my overall well-being and attitude towards others, and I hate it….