Dead
Endless questions will be asked just to know the unknown reasons.
And no apologizes I’ll be heard. It’s just me, alone, I guess, I’m sure. She says that I never tell her what’s wrong when she asks me, but the truth? She never asked. Keeps crying herself to sleep, no privacy. Never had her own happiness. Never had her own dream, each dream she built was destroyed and shattered into million pieces by the following hour. All good things in her life are closely followed by something bad. Again, and again, sad. Forever, and ever, lonely. She talks her heart out but the words come out as something else, she talks about her sadness, loneliness, but people hear it oppositely, they hear words about her happiness. The more she tries to go deep and explain her feelings about how sad and lonely she is, the more people hear it wrongly, forever; wrong. Forever; sad. Forever: lonely.
She lies each night with no hope, and nothing’s left. She listens to people, but who listens to her? She helps people, but who helps her? She saves people, but who saves her? She says people have that person who listens when they explain their feelings, and they get their heart out just to feel better, they speak to feel better. Where’s that person of hers? She never had one, wont, ever. She stays silent to live. If you ever wanted the easiest ways to cry, she’d give you many. She’d ask you to read her mind, see her heart, listen to her life story that no one have ever listened to, she’d ask you to put yourself in her shoes for a moment, she’d tell how did she turn cold hearted. She believed.
Written on the 22nd of June, 2017
It’s frustrating when people chose to believe what’s not true themselves when they don’t try to know the truth. I never hated someone’s existence as much as I hated yours. You make anger out of my reassurance, you make it feel like there’s insecurity in the air, wherever the hell you are.
22nd of July 2017
Its Selena Gomez’s birthday, okay doesn’t really matter. It’s 2:06 PM and I woke up like 5 minutes ago, I could sleep forever, I reached to the point in my life where I could seriously sleep, forever. Waking up every day between these four walls and sleeping between them, spending months between these walls sucks. It really sucks, unlike any other four walls, not saying the bring depression and hate, but they do. Imagine if I told you to live between four walls for months without doing any activities, just your PC, and without internet, without cell phones, without anything, the internet only comes maybe once or twice each month. No hanging out with friends, divorced parents, and so much more, each time you wake up you wonder why the hell you’re awake and you go back to bed. You wake up not knowing what day it is, what date, what month, what year. a shitty life. What would you do? This question doesn’t represent the reality of my life, I wish if it was that good as I represented it, it’s way much worse. The ‘thing’ is; no matter how much I’ve told you about me. About what goes on in my life, about how bad it is, you still wouldn’t know, you still won’t know, you’ll never know, you don’t know. A reason why is because I never want people to know, I’ll make you think of something else just not to reach for the answer, and if I don’t want you to know, you won’t EVER know, you won’t. Because I’m the one who’s living the much worse life, and I can explain it better than anybody else. And even if I told you, even *won’t ever happen* you still wouldn’t know the truth, you wouldn’t know it because you haven’t lived in my past, you haven’t been what I’ve been through to know, you aren’t living and going through what I’m going through or living, and you won’t ever, that’s why you won’t know. I even started to distance myself from everyone, society, it’s just my two sisters around me, the ones who gives me hope every day. That’s all. I want to disappear.
