I’m trying to understand my life and decisions that I have taken to get to the place where I am now. I grew up in a family where father was an addict and mother worked her days and nights to keep the “Christian” family image up. I was loved but the addiction of my father override everything and so the only thing I remember from my years of schooling is how I worried about them and waited for the next “chaos” to take place.
My only sister left home at the age of 16, and myself I tried to keep up with all expectations and “do life right”. But I was seeking for love and acceptance like no other and at the age of 21, got into my first relationship with a man from completely different continent, got pregnant without first child and a year after that left everything behind and moved 10 000 kilometres away to his home in Africa.
It took only a year for me to discover that his past was something different than I had assumed, I felt betrayed and trapped, felt like a married a total stranger. But I did not have enough will power to take decisions that probably would have been beneficial. He built incredible career within few years while I struggled with employment, raising three children (while he travelled a lot for work) and largely cutting ties with family and friends.
Three years ago, I entered into a season of trial… I told him that I can’t take his selfish lifestyle, that I am growing tired and weary. He said that either I accept his professional demands or not, it’s up to me. After that I got in a very difficult season, I felt like nothing really mattered. I started drinking too much, I started communicating with other men (which I had never done), I felt abandoned and lonely.
After a while, I had an affair during a work trip with a man that I had gotten to know. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel quality at all, in fact the whole experience was a positive one for me: for the first time, I felt that I had been touched and loved in a way that was positive and selfless. I confessed this to my hubby, knowing the risks of divorce. It has been three years since then. We are still together but deeply unhappy. He doesn’t want to divorce, but says he does not love me (something which I always have felt) and he simple does nothing to show me love.
We live like colleagues under the same roof, caring for kids. I am so tired of this. I had to start medication for depression and I am still using too much alcohol. I feel unhappy and that I am just acting out life. I wish I could somehow break out of this circle of unhappiness.
