So, this will be my FINAL rant about the so called “scene” or “eksena” politics and controlling manipulative people. And my final goodbye to social media.

Music should only be music. Not to be mixed with politics and theatrics. It’s like this… Hey! Look at me. I’m proud to be a Filipino. Or look at me I’m controversial… Look at me I’m helping poor people by doing charity… So, I’m cool. When deep down inside people are just using patriotism, charity trying to be “controversially unique” to build up their “image”. To you know. Make them look good in the “scene”. It’s sad… Music… The real meaning of it is…. And what’s left of it… Is labelled as Pinoy music scene. People here just say they love music just to be you know… “in”… Anyway… On with the scene… I’ve seen it and experienced it… Been there done that…. I fell for all of its hype. The people… Well… NOT all of them, the vices, and the parties. See… If you have to be accepted. You have to be cool with everything you do or say, or you have to have this image to be in the scene. And you have to be careful of who or what kind of music you listen to. “Don’t let them see you in this state” which is in a moment of weakness, a moment of being TRUE, and a moment of being a human being. Or you’ll just end up being judged and laughed at behind your back. I mean it’s just made out of pre-tense and plastic generic material. I mean NOBODY should be judged by who or what kind of music they’re listening to. Just because someone listens to “pop” they’re shallow or dumb. Or just because they listen to “classical” they’re deep and geniuses. Music is simply music. Without this whole pinoy and scene in the mix. It’s like this… Music has no countries no barriers no genres etc… Look at it this way… gender, race, and religion and so on and etc etc etc and blah blah blah…. That puts a “label” on what kind of human being you are. You don’t judge a person by what he or she believes in or what race that person is… You just ACCEPT that person… Yes, you may have differences but in the end, you just have to RESPECT each other’s beliefs and unite on a greater common ground instead of fighting over each other’s insignificant differences that divide us ALL as human beings. It doesn’t mean that you’re a better or worse person than the other. There shouldn’t even be “genres” like there shouldn’t be races, countries, religion which you know… Just like them breeds discrimination, judgement stereotypes etc. All the things that can separate instead of uniting humanity. I mean in this so-called scene… Just like the societies of the world… You have to listen to things that you don’t like or prefer. Your forced to alter your beliefs… You’ll just find yourself liking it because everyone likes it. And in the process of it all you lose sight of who you really are. But you feel that deep down inside… You’d rather listen to what you really want, believe in what you want to. Be it this kind of music or that. So, you lose your REAL identity in music. People in the scene says this mega cliché… “Be yourself” or “Follow your heart”. But all these people do is follow the pied pipers tune… Which is… “TREND” like auto tune these days. You know… Everybody wants to be like a Rockstar or a celebrity or wants to be viral on the internet etc etc. By using the shallow trendy way… For what? Fame? Fortune? And the price? Your mind heart and soul…

The “lifestyle” has a toll… Has consequences… I know when I REALLY didn’t want to drink alcohol at first because of how it tasted, or I just didn’t want to get drunk or high because it didn’t feel right? Then over time how I made my body adjust to the poison I was putting in it? And I soon found myself adapting to it because that’s what everybody’s doing… And ending up being an “alcoholic/addict/user”. Ending up as the monster I didn’t want to be… By being sucked up to the trend of the “rock n roll” lifestyle… Drinking just to pass out/blackout to prove to people that I can hold my drink and to forget and cover up the truth… The truth that I just didn’t like what or who I was becoming… And when it hit me really hard and realise that… I found something… The most painful REAL reason to drink… And soon I started to drink alone… Forget that the world existed… And the company I kept? Misery, regret, remorse and how I wished I didn’t do this or that… And at the same time still holding on to the “lifestyle” the “dream” of being a Rockstar… But in reality… I ended up losing way more than gaining… And waking up one day and finding myself alone wandering in the streets picking up cigarette butts to smoke just to get that “rush” just to satisfy the deep thirst for the vices I drowned myself into… Just to get by the moment of this intense need/desire for a temporary high… After that I aimlessly wandered alone in the world… Searching for the things that I lost along the way… I went in never ending circles/cycles in my mind. And when I found the real answer/solution I still ended up denying it… Because I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it… And I just didn’t pay the price of my soul but the greatest commodity in life… TIME… The time I could’ve spent discovering and unlocking what I can do with the things I love doing by facing the deep purpose… Rather than destroying what’s left of my life for a shallow insignificant dream.

And it comes to this… Who’s the most this or that. Who’s the PERFECT “artist”. And that’s the scene. It’s just about who’s got the bigger balls. People bragging about this or that to make them “LOOK” cool and to be accepted in the scene. You have to be this or that. While the real meaning of music… Dies. I mean ALL musicians use the same 7 notes…. So, what makes anybody “different” or “better” than the other or anyone for that matter? Is it just because someone “shreds” better or is “faster” And so on “factors” bullshit that he or she is better or the best of this or that? So, what does that prove? For the sake of “image” and false pride. In this whole “pinoy music scene” or industry the crowd judges you first before they listen to you. If you’re not cool enough like a rockstar or if you don’t meet the trend these days… Like having charisma having “it” or what do you call it these days? “SWAG”…. Chances are… They’ll only hear you once. Then you won’t exist anymore. Then you’ll hear this empty, deep painful noise called silence in a room full of people. And you start questioning yourself. Is this worth the effort? When all you ever wanted was an audience that “LISTENS” to your music and not just a crowd of people that hears it. To connect… Trough music. This whole pinoy music scene or industry or whatever cool label people call it these days is just a small crowd of judgmental people who are so focused on the so insignificantly detailed image of false pride and perfection. And finding random unpredictable imperfections unacceptable… And they just can’t bring themselves to accept it because let’s face it… It’s one of the basic desire for EVERYBODY including me… I mean people like to look perfect live for perfection and they think it’s simply the cool way to live… Because they can’t accept that nobody’s really perfect or can ever be… They can only see “rockstars” who are so focused by having the standard procedures of using technology to sound perfect… You know what I’m talking about… Most of the people in the industry all over the world are too busy mixing their work… NOT being contented and have to have the sound or “tone” that they desire… They spend a fraction of the time recording the actual track… Guitar, drums, bass, and vocals… And they spend weeks or even months to perfect the FINAL MIX by spending time to find the little imperfections and random mistakes and then use the technology of auto tune or whatever to cover up these little insignificant accidents/mistakes… Because in the end these people are not aware of it and losing time… PRACTISING is the real solution to be better in their own way and not to rely too much on technology to sound too perfect… People just have to invest time and focus and everything to their art… And embrace ALL the factors of random, unpredictable “mistakes” and imperfections… Because that’s not just about the “human factor”… Look at it this way… NOTHING is perfect in this world… No one can control or has control over the factors in life that just happens for no reason at all… Like natural disasters… Things that no one can predict… They can only learn… And accept that there are things in this world that no one can control… It’s all connected… But most people in the industry can’t accept that… That they don’t have the ability to understand and learn from the randomness and chaos of life… They only accept and understand the same old facts on how to play music the way other people do… What is acceptable by knowing the formula… The same old structure, form etc etc etc that defines music as what it is today… Which is how it was defined thousands of years ago? Which is okay I guess… But what I’m trying to say is this… Did musicians back then have the technology to cover up their mistakes? They didn’t have to because they did what musicians nowadays don’t do because of choosing to be distracted by the “LIFESTYLE”… PRACTICE… Spend time wisely… By asking real questions about music as a whole… Like most musicians are so fixated on following the same old discipline of having structure… Theories of other musicians that are technically sound… I mean if that’s what music is for them and that’s where their good at I can respect that… Because I can’t do that… I can’t follow or understand theories and such… Having definition… I believe in music the way I believe in life… Random, uncontrollable accidents… Like how and what makes a string break randomly… Its these questions that bring meaning to music for me… The other possibilities beyond knowledge of the same old facts… I believe that these factors are the ones that make music grow… The quest for the unknown… That’s why I’m studying to know what I don’t understand… Because in reality, I just know some basic scales and modes… But at the same time, I just want to be real you know to how I want to play… I don’t want or like to be told how play music the “proper way”… The traditional way… It’s time to put my foot down and stand up for what I believe in… Learn and use that knowledge My way not the PROPER TRADITIONAL way… That’s NOT me… I mean I believe in that way but… Being who I am I just have to question it… And just have to be real about it… By choosing not to follow it… And if people won’t choose to just listen because they don’t understand or don’t want to hey it’s okay. At least I was real about it… By not being perfectly sound… And I’ll be really happy to be ignored or not to be understood because I got lost in my own real music of just finding melody and harmony from random chaos with the human factor of making mistakes rather than to be understood accepted and applauded for being a falsely constructed perfectionist.

Anyway, people are pulled immediately in the shallow beaches of superficial lifestyle of “drugs, sex and rock n roll” and all of its glory and so on… but they don’t dare to look in the vast deep bottomless ocean where musicians live… Because ALL they REALLY have and really understand??? Are “likes”, “followers”, “views” and what else??? I guess that’s about it… Oh yeah and the crowd of the pied piper the trendy and the “controversial” personalities. You know the simple difference between a rockstar and a musician? Rockstar’s and aspiring wannabes demand and expect you to worship adore and be like them. Because it’s their “right” and they are entitled to it… Musicians can only ask you to do one thing that matters most to music…. Listen when they reach out to you through their instruments to connect with your free will. But these days in this so called Pinoy industry/scene. People don’t listen anymore… It’s all about who’s the “best” this and that and blah blah blah. Just like social media. You know… Just to show off to prove who’s got the bigger dick. You know macho shit… People bragging about this and that. You know the people who like to show off to the world how badass they are in the scene… Hey look I can do this and you can’t so I’m better than you or anyone… I’m a “unique” “controversial” artist etc etc etc that steps on other people’s belief just to be you know to have a “moment” in the eyes of the crowd…

Just like politics in this country. Showing off to the world “hey we can do that too!” you know SURGICAL AIR STRIKES TERROR maute “ISIS” hey world!!! Notice the Philippines… Were like the rest of cool countries were defeating ISIS at the expense of the REAL people. Politicians are Like rockstars and aspiring artists or whatever you call and label those kinds of people. They are too busy anticipating about the next trend… The pied pipers next tune… Be it terrorism, oil, or fake news…. But they’re just a part of the never-ending tune of power, control and who wants to rule the world… While REAL HUMAN BEINGS out there… Are just too busy struggling to WANT to survive and adapt to the shit that’s being fed to them… But they are the people who despite of all the bullshit decides to be wise and listen, look, and find small basic things and reasons to live for. Like love, hope, peace real connection with another human… and music, movies, swimming you know small things and people that are WORTH finding a simple reason and an excuse to love without the cheap details and small talks… At the same time hearing seeing these fake image bullshit controversies, mime politics and cheap theatrics. When having to hear, see and know what knowledge is so much easier than looking, listening, and experiencing wisdom… Knowledge can always be easily manipulated formulated. While wisdom bends knowledge to its will… And you don’t have to think to do it, be it understand it or to formulate it… It comes naturally… It’s called instinct. And it’s called a freedom of choice… To believe and be Whatever or however you “choose” to want to be… But anyway, that’s just me.

Anyway… As a musician, you have to meet today’s “standards” and the level of the superficial face value and popularity to have a decent audience that will listen to you. You have to be “in” or in other words…. You have to have you know…. “IT” to be appreciated in this country. There are certain requirements for a musician to make it here. You have to impress… And earn the respect for people to listen to you… Nowadays people don’t respect you for the time, heart, hard work, discipline, dedication and sacrifice you put in your music… But how you present yourself in your superficial “image”. How many followers and likes you have in social media etc… Following the same old tune of the pied piper. Superficial artists rule over the air be in on the radio tv or internet. While musicians drown deep in the silence of an empty stage where the only audience is…. Listening to music.

Yep the like the scent of the “pinoy scene” it ALL smells the same… I don’t and will never believe in that shit. I believe in reaching out, sharing your thoughts and emotions touching lives and inspiring the audience make them feel and share the experience a piece of message through music that tells them that they are not alone even if it’s just for a moment. Cause sometimes it only takes a moment to reach someone in the audience. Like what it did to me… To catch that “magic” in little moments in music that touches our souls when we listen to it… The magic that takes the audience to places to make new possibilities that taps into our curiosity… That touches our subconsciousness…. Just want to return the favour for what it did to me how I was a part of the audience how I’m still being touched and continue to be inspired by other musicians…

So, where’s music nowadays? Yeah… the word stuck in between false pride of the “pinoy” and the superficial image of the “scene”…. I might be Filipino on paper, but I don’t believe in it… And I’m not an actor to be making a scene be in a scene or cause a scene… I’m merely a human being who just loves making and listening to music. Who just wants to survive and live and play in peace. Without the politics and all the drama, drama, drama… blah, blah, blah… etc, etc, etc and so on and so forth of the scene… That drowns out the music by making loud noises…

But there are a few out there who I can still believe in… That’s why I’m still here posting this… But this…??? And the scenery of politics and vanity… Yeah count me out. It can do without someone like me in it. I mean I’m not an important figure or image…. And I don’t plan on being one. I don’t have the luxuries of that life. And I don’t have to… I don’t need to, and I don’t want to… If I’ll just end up wasting what’s left of my hope, love, life, and time BELIEVING in a future reality that’s not meant to happen for me. Instead… I’ll just believe in what I have in my hands now… A choice… Not to be right or wrong but to be REAL… And choose not to step in that shit anymore… To put my foot down and say… I won’t move you move this is what I believe in… And if you choose to not listen or even believe to pay attention to ignore… Well then that’s your choice… And if it’s your choice to get angry or whatever or even see me as an enemy… Which is the easiest thing to do…Well then so be it. I know now that it’s better to have enemies that hate you for being true to who you really are than to have friends and family or “belong” to a society or community or a world that accepts and loves ME for who I’m not or will never be… The fool that I really am… Well it’s better to be an ignorant fool who has never ending questions. Than to be an arrogant wise and knowledgeable person that pretends to know all the answers… Because they are in control and they use that control to manipulate lost souls into believing them… That “their” way… Is the cool way the trendy and the “only” way? Sure, I believed in that way before because of I felt alone…. And I wanted to belong to a HIGHER purpose to put meaning into my life… To fill the void of my soul… Because I didn’t have this or that or whatever happiness meant for these people… You know… The lifestyle and the image that people so adored and desired to have… In order to you know… Have “purpose” and “meaning”…

Ever really wondered why I REALLY TRUTHFULLY left the band the first time around? Yeah, I mean… That deep down inside… I really didn’t like what or who I was becoming at all… I felt like a puppet that’s just playing music the way other people wanted or were telling me how to… To the very detail of how I sounded to them the mix of the amp to the very song itself… I didn’t even use MY guitar or fix and my REAL intentions to how to sound how to this and that how to make other people’s music while I was losing my own sound ideas thoughts intentions or being “real” and true to how I really wanted to play and my very core in my identity in the world of music… And every time I go on stage… I just wasn’t there… Because I was too busy and too lost in my own world as I was on auto pilot as I played… Lost in my thoughts…Unlike my first band which accepted me for ALL my flaws but supported and really listened the same way I listened to their input… Despite my super flaw of not having a definite “structured” direction or flow and just playing randomly how I wanted to sound… They still accepted me… And for playing for the first time… In that gig? Experiencing it… Not holding back at all… Being true to what at that time the kind of music that I was learning from… But when I chose to quit that band because of you know… Impatience… Of nothing was happening we weren’t getting results that we wanted to… Like get popular get lots of women and be like our heroes…

I know what I did was wrong and all… And I’m sorry… All I wanted was to belong and be a part of something…Anything that could fill this emptiness… Of feeling alone…But now I realised and I’m still realising that I was NEVER ever REALLY alone as I saw thought felt or experienced it… I mean rejection and all of its effects blinded me… As well as the desire to be loved and accepted by others…. When the answer was there all along that I failed to see because I didn’t want to look… I’m NOT alone in this life… Because of one simple thing…And reality… I’m HUMAN JUST LIKE ANYONE IN THIS WORLD…. I have just as much equal rights of being here… I don’t have to be best or even worst… I just have to be REAL… And if this world doesn’t accept “like” or “follow”…. Well then, it’s not my fault because I don’t have control over anyone or everyone or no one that has an equal right to decide and to choose for themselves… In what they believe in… If people believe in war in chaos in the good the bad and the ugly that’s their free choice but what I’m just saying is an honest opinion about it. How I don’t like the idea of believing in countries, religion, social status, and you know the rest of the walls and borders built to divide us. It’s been all about the image of POWER and CONTROL over people’s lives… By manipulating the same old facts of knowledge to use it to take over everything to be in “control”…Because in reality… ALL they are capable of figuring out is how to keep themselves in control… Not about figuring out new ways how to improve or benefit human lives and this planet as we see it today… They always seem to find excuses to destroy kill terrorise… By using fake news and fear etc etc etc… “by any means possible” to have more of this and that etc etc etc….While saying “I love my “country” ” at the same time saying, “I’ll kill you” But they can’t figure out a way how to heal the wounds of the people who lost faith in their so-called leaders… And all they could do is offer people benefits incentives and money for their loss… And go on with their lives believing that they helped them. And they go on tv and apologise… While they still send blind soldiers, who believe and follow in orders that put them in control with all that they are… with “surgical airstrikes” fighting against “TERROR”… They are no better than the people they call and label as “addicts” that kill because of drugs… You don’t have to be an addict to do that… You just have to be under the influence of dangerous natural drugs… POWER… CONTROL… And of course, you just have to be yourself… Because you know what… People like you and I mean not just political figures but people that follow the trend and hype of the “culture” these days… Are helplessly addicted to it and just like a person getting addicted under because of its influence and effects of getting high and all mighty… Will and will always be capable of anything and everything in their power to be in power and on control… While in reality… They are the ones who choose their path and really in the end they are NOT in control… They can’t accept that… They are the ones being puppets to control… Listen… There’s a way on how to deal with manipulators and controllers…

I had no intention of saying it until now because of my current situation… Which is I’m currently under the control of someone… Someone who claims to have all the facts about me… And it’s starting to happen again… And I fear that I’ll lose my freedom this time because I’m starting to wake up to my real purpose… And that might sound that I’m losing my mind to this person’s perspective and send me to an institution… So, I’m here to share everything that I can to ALL of you who are in trouble because of these kinds of people… Just apply it to politics governments religion etc… The ones that claim to be in control… So, I’m using what’s left of my time to help by sharing this to you guys… NEVER EVER give information to them EVER… They will sound good in every word they say… They will ask you nicely about your opinion about how you would like to live your life… But in reality, they are gathering information about you… So, don’t tell them the truth… Some people choose to accept and learn from hearing the truth… While controllers and manipulators use the truth against you… So, people… Don’t protest don’t go against them this way… Don’t even show emotions that you’re getting pissed… They “allow” protests because this is a way for them to use that against you… An excuse to Declare martial law or even make laws that will “benefit” the countries or even he world… Ever wondered why there are so many laws nowadays? It’s so simple… To keep the ones in power in control over people’s choices.

To the controllers and manipulators

Well first of all I didn’t want to confront you face to face because you will never listen to my side because you only believe in your side on what you “think” and “believe” is the “right” thing for me or for other people for that matter.

What is your problem? Why do you want, have, need to be in control of every little detailed aspect of someone else’s life as if it were yours? How do you manage to single highhandedly secretly manipulate and twist people around into following and bending to your will or way of life or how you see and EXPECT people to live their lives according to your “standards”? You know… Following blindly to your rules your self-righteous way of how other people’s lives “should” “ought to” “need” to be. Because that is all that you are capable of… You invade other people’s lives and “assume” that you’re in “control” of their free will to have choices of their own. You want “order” for them because its working for you… Or that’s how the world works for you. I mean of course there should be a natural order in everything… But I believe it’s MY choice to have order or chaos… Your way isn’t everybody’s way of life… Because deep down inside… You don’t know who or what you really are without “control” “order” because that’s all you know. That’s the worst fear you have of losing. Your “power” over people or even situations in life you plan and scheme far into the future thinking that you’re “prepared” … That’s your free choice that’s how you chose to live your life… But you can’t face, handle, or accept the “truth”… That that power over other people is all that you can ever do to give your life purpose or meaning. You know what… I don’t hate or despise you… Because were ALL human… I understand but I pity you as a person obsessed over controlling the insignificant details of other people’s lives but your own. To give meaning to your existence… Well that’s just you… I can’t change that nobody can but you… You don’t know how to accept, and you ALWAYS find people that will back your ways, words, solutions as EXCUSES to prove that you’re right and I’m wrong and you can’t respect other people’s/my opinions or suggestions but your own. You poke holes that you can use against them when they disagree with you to keep your control over them. Instead of being a “genuinely” simple part of the solution you just end up being a wolf in sheep’s clothing to be a BIG PROBLEM… Which is walking on egg shells around you. Being so careful not to confront, rebel or challenge your “authority” over them. Otherwise they’ll pay the severe consequences of not bending and complying to your schemes, plans and beliefs…You can’t listen because you don’t know how it feels like to confront your fears… I don’t know or ever care about you or your fears because they’re your own to face and accept and learn from. You know what your problem is? Your “addicted” to a vice called POWER…. Power over the free will of people around you… Their choices and decisions in their OWN lives… You don’t, can’t even give them the respect and dignity to choose and decide on their own because YOURS is the “right” way the ONLY way. You go ahead as time and “assume” predict and make schemes about what’s “good” for them in your and your opinion only. The way you see things your way… For your sake of getting that pleasure of being in control… By believing you know it all… Because you THINK you know every fact and know the outcome of every single event, situation, or predicament… And when they don’t happen??? Again, you will always know how to improvise… You find little things little details and you manipulate them to make a comeback…In the end… To put it simply…You just can’t figure out the true purpose of YOUR life on your own… When you’re all alone… And you can’t get your fix on your temporary high of being in control… Who are you? I don’t know or even want or care to know to be honest… But this is how I see you or people like you… You’re merely a puppet of your addiction… CONTROL.

Yeah you may have this or that you may have a job but what do you REALLY have? Solutions to everything? Knowledge about how to live in live the way you do? Because of what? Facts? Figures? You’re a “genuine” person with genuine intentions? Look… If that’s how it’s going to be. If that’s how I’ll turn out to be… “in control” over lives of people…. I’d rather lose everything for being TRUE to myself than to gain this or that by obeying and submitting to controlling manipulative and pretentious people who ‘CLAIM” to know what’s in my best interest by following their standards… Because that’s not what I believe in. You know what I really really REALLY want, need, have to have? Not jobs careers knowledge self-righteousness or control to have what you have… I don’t want to just “exist”… You know follow other people’s standards of living the way they see fit or what’s right for you like being a robot following routines and schedules… I get it… That’s how the world works… That’s a reality… ACCORDING to your kind… I can respect that, I can listen to that… BUT it’s not me… I just want to live the rest of my life in peace and have a deeper meaning and purpose in life before I die… That means I have control over my god given free will to choose and decide how my life will turn out be…Without fearing people like you… Who expects that my plans align with yours perfectly structured schemes to satisfy your ego pride and ambition… To feed and breed on your good image of yourself… So, you claim to have my best interest in your so-called heart… As if you have one… You change my birthday you assume guardianship, then recently you make me a disabled person for my “benefit”… You didn’t even bother to ask me for my permission or even simply asked me how I thought about it… Oh wait… I remember NOT agreeing to getting a PWD card… In front of a doctor… Or even agreeing that YOU will be a “guardian”… You just use my “condition” as an excuse to give you the control and power over my life… What’s left of it… And now you made it official by getting a PWD card. To say to the world that I NEED you to control my life because I’m “handicapped” have a “condition” and “disabled” and I’m not in the right mind to make decisions or act or even live on my own… To be “semi-independent” for the remainder of my life… That means that you’ll always be there to control put order blah blah blah… Listen… Your definition of disability handicapped or having mental conditions are just excuses to control me… Because you think and “BELIEVE” that I can’t, I shouldn’t, I couldn’t have my own life… I know… It’s nice to be needed… I get it… But it’s so selfish… YOU are selfish… YOU and other people like you are the reason why people like us give up or think of giving up by surrendering and submitting our lives to you… But no… You know what? Accepting and admitting that you’re disabled and not capable and functioning as a human being that’s being DISABLED… Not when you’re still capable of doing everything and anything by choosing FREELY what’s good or what’s bad… So now you have an official excuse to control me… And who can forget… The “expert’s opinion” that back the evidence of me being a PWD… Giving you the “power” the right to me invade and manipulate what’s left of my life. Congratulations! You surely materialised your schemes from the start… Well done… Well done… Indeed… You are the master of puppets.

You’re not saying it verbally but basically to cut things short this is your simple message… “It’s in your best interest to keep me happy… Because if I’m not happy then… I have weapons and know ways to make you unhappy. Just PRETEND you’re doing this for yourself to make it easy…” Bottom-line is… I don’t believe, trust and LOVE controlling and manipulative people PERIOD… Because I don’t and will NEVER want to be like you… I don’t have to… Because I don’t need to live like you… I have a free choice… A choice not to confront and defeat and crush your twisted sick mind… Even if I am capable of it… I don’t have to do that for you… You’re already doing it yourself without knowing it… You know what I’ll do for you? The best way to deal with you… Comply… Sure I’ll give you what you want… And I won’t even argue about it because you always have to, need to win with all your “facts”… And I’ll get what I want in return… When you wake up to the truth by looking at what you really are in my point of view and finding yourself without control over the TRUTH of how I REALLY feel and how I see you for the person who you really are and who you pretend to be… I mean I’m just surviving and adapting to please you and your so called “structure” and long-term schemes. In reality, I’m sacrificing my freedom of choice for my OWN plans and life just to align with your selfish schemes to meet your expectations… You don’t get it do you… With all your theories and assumptions… Its peoples DECISION to be unhappy or happy good or bad mediocre or great insane or sane… And it’s your decision to be the bitch that you are… But my decision? My goal and my ambition? Is really simple … BE REAL… And be true… And just say I don’t love you… And look… I didn’t have to say a bad word to make a brutal point… I just have to say the truth.

I don’t want a job to merely mindlessly exist in the world… I believe in having a purpose of being part of something bigger than just ME… I don’t and will never find real meaning or purpose in that line of work or your so-called standards of life… That’s NOT my world… But that’s what you expect me to do and expect me to be… Because that’s how EVERYBODY sees the Right way the only way… And when I miss out on the smallest insignificant details of “complying”? How YOU expect me to live… You’ll come up with something… An excuse to make the choice of making me suffer for being TRUE… When ALL I want is to live the remaining days of my life in peace, harmony, and love… So, I could go and fulfil my purpose of living with a clear mind, heart and soul without people like you… That I have the free will to choose and to put meaning in my life and lives of other people… I have plans… I have choices and decisions to FREELY choose from… But I can’t think, feel move with TOXIC people like YOU around… I already did it in Facebook with my so-called friends… I made it official… I left them ALL… Because I never believed in their world from the start. The truth is I was just alone felt alone, or I thought I was alone in the world… That’s why I chose to be in that world… Their world… Made BAD decisions along the way… The worst decision my life was not to do drugs or other vices… I mean that was the EFFECT of making the bad decision of being fake… Merely because I wanted to “belong” accepted and be loved for it… And be a part of my own destruction… But you know what? The only thing good about that is that it was my FREEDOM to choose the wrong things… So, I paid the price on MY OWN terms… BUT I learned from that bad slip that caused me to fall rock-bottom into the pits… It took me a while, but I learned something out of it… I mean it’s okay to be alone and it’s better to be alone… It’s better to have REAL enemies in the real world that reject, judge, prosecute, make fun of, or even hate you for being true to who you really are… Than to have friends and a family that accepts and loves you for someone you’re not and will never be. But you know what? I no longer have friends, I don’t see you as family and I’m on my own… But that doesn’t mean I’m alone in the world… There are billions of human beings out there like me… Being “alone” is a choice. Just like being depressed being psychotic good evil black or white if you “choose” to be…

Look… If I want or need for your advice or help wait for it… Don’t INVADE my space and my life with all your assumptions, theories, and conclusions on how I should live it the way you see fit… I don’t want it I don’t need it… I never told you how to run your life… I mean to be honest I don’t even care how you live your life… Because I don’t need to, don’t have to and I don’t even want to… Because I don’t want anybody like you to tell me how to live my life… I know now why you’re alone… Because you don’t want your control to be compromised… You’re afraid of losing the ONE thing that you’ll ever valued “control”… You’ll think I’m getting depressed and psychotic and who knows when or how I might just lose it all again the little things that give my life meaning for expressing and exposing my version of the truth which is… I DON’T AND WILL NEVER TRUST PEOPLE LIKE YOU… Who knows… This may trigger you to stab me in the back for the last time… You just think and assume with all your knowledge and theories that your way is the “right” way the ONLY way… MY way???I choose to be real and true to how I feel about people like you. I can’t stand to be around you… You DRAIN me of my life force and my energy just by being around you and people like you… You’ll never understand because you’re a pretentious manipulator…You people are so toxic you should do the world a favour… Live on an island without people in it… To deal and live with your sick manipulative and twisted mind tricks. And I’ll throw in a gift for you… A mirror to reflect you while you manipulate a puppet… To see and know your still in control of something.

So now you know the truth… Well it’s up to you to believe this it’s your choice… It’s also your choice to make MY life more miserable. By letting you know how I REALLY REALLY feel and see you as… Or to just look listen or feel the experience of me living with a person like you… Just for telling you this… That just proves that I’m right about you… The REAL you… Just like an addict… Getting a temporary high and suffering a deep thirst for control… Take it all away and what are you? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know… Because I won’t even care to know… “Second mother” my ass… Please… I don’t even see you as a distant friend… You know there’s no medicine for ignorance… If you think you know it all and can control the outcome of my life… Well look at your life through mine… You pretend to be a saint… Appearing to care and know what’s right for me… When all you want is to keep me as a trophy making you feel good that my plans align with your perfectly orchestrated detailed schemes… To keep telling yourself you’re a good person with “good” intentions… I don’t like what I’m becoming…

You demand respect from me without earning it… I just follow you to make you feel good that you’re in control… I’m FORCED to respect you because you have ways to make me suffer if you wanted to… Fear is your tool… There’s always a threat that ill loose the little things I find excuses to love and appreciate and live for… Fear of losing what’s left of my time to go after and live a purpose driven life that you can easily take away if I don’t “obey”… Well we might become enemies after this… But you know what… It’s better to have the world as an enemy because you’re TRUE to yourself…

If you read THIS??? It means THIS is my space in this universe… I won’t move You move… And if your move is to take it all away? Think and assume that I’m going “insane” or “relapsing” and decide to MESS what’s left of my life… So be it… It’s your free will… To choose what kind of person you REALLY are. And my free will says to me… Let it be… That’s just the way you are… A control freak getting a fix when you suck out the freedom out of people… And you won’t stop Until you get your temporary high. The best thing anybody can do for you… Is pity you… Then ignore you for who you truly really are… An evil person hiding behind good intentions… At the same time, you see yourself as a saint. When all that you are capable of is being a caring dictator… Saying you love while Using fear in a subtle way to get what you want… Just face the reality you’re NOT the good person you see yourself as… When your ultimate scheme is to take over people’s lives… With your intricately planed and intellectually calculated and deeply detailed little “opinions”, “suggestions” “theories” “assumptions” etc etc etc blah blah blah that you so carefully whisper into my ear and deceivingly offer me so that I won’t notice your real intention… Well that’s the craft of a natural manipulator… You know what you are to me? How I see you? To put it in simple terms… You’re not a good person you’re a good manipulator and controller…

And the differences between you and me? You deceive… I believe… And if you don’t have a clue… Then that’s just truly you… But you know what??? You don’t deserve the truth… Because you’ll just choose to hear it and not listen to it see it but not look at it Know it but won’t understand it… Because you simply can’t, wont will never accept it… What you’ll do is analyse and calculate and find ways how to bend it, manipulate it twist it and find a way to turn it against me to benefit and satisfy twisted and sick thirst, desire, and addiction for control. I live for the truth while you live to control it and use it against other people… Because that’s what you really are… And without control you’re NOTHING… And that’s how I see you as a person…

Bottom line is… You don’t love me… You love your control over me by pretending you know what’s in my best interest. Guess what.

I’m just complying to give you your temporary satisfaction in your addiction… Because I know what addicts are capable of when they don’t get their high… I don’t have to destroy you… Because I choose not to… You’ll end up doing that on your own… When you lose me or the things you love to control… And all you’ll be left with??? I don’t know because I’m not and will not use my free will to choose to control over the things I love… Because I simply love them for what they are. And I won’t change a thing about what or who they are if they have a different opinion… If I love them, I will choose to listen and still accept them for what or how they REALLY are… Accept them for their flaws and not try to pretend to know and manipulate and control them. And I will let them grow on their own… But someone like you won’t get it…

You don’t have to kill to be evil in this world… You just have to be you… Like the ones in power… Over the world…

In life in MY opinion… Having no control at all is a better life for ME as a human being as a musician… Because in music there are just “factors” you can’t control or predict like when and how a string breaks, technical problems, rain the environment or even how the audience receives you. Anything could go wrong… And the worst thing that can go wrong? Is for you to assume that nothing can go wrong… Because of overconfidence over “the facts” and knowledge… Anything can happen…Just like in life. I accept and believe that I have no POWER over anyone or everyone … I don’t want to, I don’t have to I don’t need to… Because I don’t know anything or everything about life… All I have are real questions not fake answers to offer anyone… Because now I realise that not having answers or solutions facts is what’s life for ME is all about… It’s being a naive and simple fool and asking lots of question… And applying it to little things that I love doing… Like music… I don’t believe in structure or form or theories or how it should be played… That’s a different world… In which I just can’t exist in… I believe in finding peaceful beautiful melody and harmony from mindless, baseless chaos IN the moment of creating beautiful music the real way I see myself playing it imagining it…How flickering lights may sound like how the stars sound like when they sparkle in the night sky… What kind of music or sounds could’ve been background for the creation of life as we know it? What was the origin of vibration? I want and choose this gift to be a part of the big picture in a small insignificant way… And the only way I choose to contribute to this life is to play it in my real way…

It all started off from an idea, when I was in a period of? It was just a moment of peace and quiet… Then I heard the sound of my imagination… On how it would be like in space… Then that idea… Sparked a vision… And then before I noticed it. It took over me…I was so inspired by what I was creating and hearing and seeing… And experiencing… That I had to stop at times and just… And just feel so incredibly overwhelmed by the grand scale of this piece of music and asking how I was doing it or where it was all coming from. And before I knew it… It was living on its own and I can no longer control it… It became bigger than all my wildest expectations. And it went beyond what I thought I was capable of doing… I set a limit, but I found myself surprising myself proving to myself in small ways small steps that its possible… And I was even hearing this idea of the 8th note… You know… Do re mi fa so la ti and….

But then I got distracted…. By false light and the bright artificial lights of the pinoy music scene… And instead of staying in my ground… I knowingly chose to be part of the scene… EXPECTING to be like everybody else. to belong… But in the end… Choosing “that” distraction you know the lights the women the lifestyle… Caused me to slip… In life, we fall… There are accidents that we cannot control… But there are causes like being distracted and losing focus that causes these little slips causing us to fall… I got distracted by the lights of that life… Plain and simple… I knowingly and I was fully aware of what it could do to me… And it was my choice to go for it and I expected a different result… But I learned something out of that slip… It’s better to be and live in the dark on your own and see TRUE lights among the REAL stars by just looking up and listen to music of the overwhelming purpose in the universe and realise and accept how insignificantly ignorant I really am… Than to be in the light blinded by artificial flashy lights and the noise of loud people and drowning my music in the lifestyle of the scene… That’s not me…

NOT ANYMORE. But as much that I would like and love to destroy that idiotic idea of constructing borders and walls like “pinoy music scene”… And how I know I’m confidently well capable of it just like anyone else is capable of… I won’t have to or need to… it will do that on its own like the rest of the toxic people that are hooked on the image of being in CONTROL… Because I have simple choice… A real choice… To live with dignity, restraint, compassion, endurance, humility, connection and MOST IMPORTANTLY to authentically be in LOVE in life… And be real about it… And make mistakes along the way… After all I’m just human just like you…Just accepting and embracing my flaws and weaknesses.

BUT:

I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to express my feelings, opinions and wants.
I have the right to set my own priorities.
I have the right to say “NO” without feeling guilty.
I have the right to have opinions different than others.
I have the right to take care of and protect myself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
I have the right to create my own happy and healthy life.

What gives you the right to invade my space? Who are you to rob my humanity? And who the hell are you to do so? When you’re just like me and everybody else… You don’t have power over me because we are all created equally… You know what REAL power is? Believing in the things that we can’t see but exists… More than the same old facts of knowledge… Giving the illusions of what power is… And you use that illusion to fool people that surround you to give their “consent”… Not knowing your real intentions… That you just want to control them.

Well I guess that’s the life of a controlling world… Not just in the music scene but in real life. I now have a solution, to simply walk away from them, not to challenge them, and live my own purpose in this world.

That I spend the remaining time in my life doing what I need to, have to, and want to do and that is the one thing nobody can take away from me. Not anymore.

A purpose to be a real human being.