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I just needed a way to share my feelings, as cheesy as that sounds.

Growing up, my family was somewhat broken. My father works overseas so I only get to see him about 3 – 4 times a year. Although I don’t really know him well, recently we have been starting to get closer and closer. He’s a closed off man, a listener and not the type to really share his opinions. My sister locked herself in her room for all of high school and to my parents, she was a “role model” that locked herself in her room to study, when in reality all she did was watch videos. She got into the school that I failed twice to get into even though I was in the top twenty people at my previous school as well as a good college. I was never close to her as a child because she either looked down upon me or just plain ignored me. My mother stays at home, saying that she cannot go anywhere or do anything because of me. For the past two years, it has only been my mom and I because my sister went to college. I know my family loves me but it just really hurts sometimes. Every time my dad leaves, I just have to patiently wait until he can come back again. Maybe it’s sometimes both my mom and dad who goes work while my sister and I stay at home during the holidays. As a result, I haven’t spent a Christmas with my entire family together since about ten years ago, and I’ve only spent a Christmas with my dad about three times. I have just begun to become more open about my feelings but I express it in my own way, which it somewhat sly because it’s just my personality. As a result, people think I don’t care about them but I sometimes do show that I truly care in a serious situation. I have friends that I can learn on rather than my family because in short, I’m closer to them than my own family. However, I just break into tears thinking about my missed family members who have died. It’s not cruel to think “Oh, they died…” because it’s just part of life. The main reason why people cry is the thought of not being able to see them again, only being able to hold on to memories. If you think about it, the opposite of loving is not hating, it’s leaving. Being my, I have different “modes” as I like to call it, ways that I act in different situations. Such as in front of family, friends, in serious, funny, or awkward, etc. situations. With new people, I’m less awkward than as when I was in elementary school, when I would stutter on every word. I have more experience with people, realizing that they all have their own stuff to deal with, a.k.a. sonder. I am just here to complain about my own life…

My younger cousins have come to stay with my family and I as their parents went abroad to take care of my grandmother’s documents since her passing was a few months ago. It has been over a month since they have come here and I’m the type that doesn’t like children. They are 6 and 8 and even though they have great manners and such, I’m the one who gets annoyed by everything that children do. I guess it’s because I mentally matured more quickly than others because of my family. I couldn’t talk about my feelings in fear that others would laugh or judge or say that “it’s just a phase.” Since a few years ago, I have been thinking about life. Just laying on my bed and thinking “Why am I here and why do I see like this or feel like this or think like this? Why does “Life” look like this, with this texture, and this atomic structure and such. Why? Why. Why.” Back to reality, my cousins annoy me. They are just being children, screaming and running around the house but they are a burden. I’m an observer and my mom has more pressure now of taking care of both them and me. But whenever I blurt out complaints when I’m annoyed, she takes my cousins’ side. I hate that. They are children and all they do is want, want want. (Random: I love drawing and everyone who knows me, knows that I can draw.) But when they used my new and expensive paint and paint brushes that I haven’t used yet, can anyone blame me that I got pissed off? I can’t yell at them as much as I want to because my mom would just yell at me. I’m not an adult yet and when I look at their life and see that whatever they want is given to them I also get annoyed. I try to say no to them so that they can learn that they can’t get everything, but they just question “why?” in an innocent voice. My father came back, planning to stay for 3 weeks but my great-grandfather passed a few days before he came back. As a result, my sister came back too, on the same day as my dad, to allow my mom to make only one trip to and from the airport. I was really excited to see my dad, of course, because I haven’t seen them in a few months. As for my sister, not so much. I talk with my dad sometimes, but it’s as if my sister and I has no way of contact. I didn’t even see her face or talk to her until the day of the funeral.

Today, my sister left and my dad leaves tomorrow even though it has been less than a week since he has come back. “There’s no one to work” says him. He comes back because another relative who inherited (from another dead relative) the business gave my father the position as “owner” as the relative supervises. This relative flies there to work if my dad comes back. As a result, from not spending much time with my dad, I wanted to go out with only him and my sister to drop my sister at the airport and then hang with him for the rest of the day. My sister sees it as me not wanting to drop her off and only want to go out to the place where I would hang out with my dad. Although I’m not close to my sister, of course I would want to see her off but she doubts that. We went home because her flight was later and I went upstairs to my dad’s room to talk with him before he leaves tomorrow. But of course, my cousins followed me up and I got pissed off, said “Why are you so nosy”, and went out of the room. They always want to see what I’m looking at, and I was showing my dad a past card I made for my mom. I went back downstairs and they followed me and sat next to me. From this, it feels like they just want to hang out with me, but I can assure you it’s not. They don’t want to because I’m mean to them and I’m a bad cousin and I tell them to go away. It’s a gut feeling so don’t try to refute. All I wanted was to hang out with my dad and of course they interfere. This past month, I always have them on my mind to figure out how to avoid them because it’s easy to read what and how they will do or react next. I’m less close to them than my sister because they live in another country and I only see them once every 1-3 years.

Twenty minutes before my sister would leave and my mom came down to ask her something and it triggered me. I already forgot what she said but I asked, “Are and coming too?” If my mom comes (which she should), then my cousins have to follow which means I won’t be able to hang out with my dad. My mom and dad argues every day. I guess I said it in a nasty way because she was like “We can’t leave them alone.” “Then I’m not going” I replied. I guess I said it in a nasty way because then she said, “What is with you??” (Talking to herself but loud enough so that I can hear, that is what pisses me off the most) “That child just want to be alone all the time. Do they like it? How sad.” But in my mind, I could tell she was feeling like “What the fuck is wrong with your attitude? They are your cousins so stop being a whiny bitch.” She scolded me like she does every hour but I have been so (sorry for profanity) fucking damn pissed off with those fucking children. All I fucking want was to spend some time with my dad but now they all left the house to drop my sister off and I’m alone again. At this point, I actually like being alone, away from my family because they just complain about me behind their backs. I thought I can be free from judgment but of course I can’t. This has led to depression and suicidal thoughts. I know I won’t kill myself but I just have a hard time saying what I feel. My accent has made me fear talking too much because if I say what I think, I can’t articulate well enough and people are going to question what do I mean and judge. That’s why I would rather type and spend most of my time online. That’s part of being a member of the online community, people truly don’t fear what can happen to them on here.

Thank you for wasting your time to read my depressing story. I just needed a way to share my feelings, as cheesy as that sounds.

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