You are responsible for your own pain. A hard lesson in life I’ve learned when I decided to stop reaching out to the one person whom I thought would understand me. My mother.
For years I’ve been hurt and there were countless times I told her about my pain, however, the answer I got had no maternal comfort instead it was her own pain. She would push her own pain to me as if she didn’t even bother to understand mine.
Why was I hurt?
It was years of build-up.
It all started in my early teens seeing and hearing them fight. See the problem was my dad couldn’t make enough money to support us, would often hide money from my mom and in turn she would release her anger nonstop until she’s satisfied or until everyone around her is doing what she wants.
I understand all too well the problem was with my dad who lacked motivation and initiative to provide a better future for his family, however, it was how my mom handled it that escalated every fight.
She would shout her anger out.
Throw anything she could lay her hands on.
Physically hurt my father over and over. Once when my dad had enough of the slapping and punching he slapped her and she snapped. Called her father and put my dad in jail. I was a college student that time. My emotions were everywhere and because of their fights I didn’t pay any attention to my studies, drank almost every night with my friends and failed a lot of my subjects. All of it I regret. My studies should’ve been my focus and besides they are not my responsibility. If only I knew back then.
Over time she became suicidal.
No one could bring her back to her senses except when she chose to calm down.
It was 3 years ago when my mom and her aunt from Florida started to talk everyday through Facebook messenger. Everything was fun and loving in the beginning mom had someone who would give her small amounts of money or things and in return her aunt had someone to talk to since she hasn’t come home for a very long time. That was until the idea of a fiancé came to light.
At first, I told them okay she can find me one so I can be of use and have a chance of going to America. But when she finally found one for me I became hesitant and told them I would think about it. Little did I know that when I was thinking about it her aunt was already building up a relationship between me and the guy without my consent.
My biggest mistake was accepting the money he gave me, that money was my down fall. He even opted to buy me a car because her aunt told the guy I wanted one. There were talking with the guy all the while I was hesitant and reached a conclusion that I don’t want this. I wanted to make it clear so I told my mom in person how I don’t want to use that guy as an easy ticket to America that if I was to succeed in life I’d do it my own way. It was as if she heard nothing and insisted that It was for my own good and for our family.
I felt miserable and out of control. It became worse when the guy booked a flight and wanted to know me more. They were the mastermind of everything I felt like a puppet. They rented out a house in a nice subdivision where he would stay and apparently that’s where they want me to stay as well. When he came I tried to get to know him besides he was a really nice guy. Easy going and understanding but during our first lunch out at the mall he saw through me. He saw it through my eyes how unhappy I was. And it was all true.
Before he arrived, they kept pushing me to message him and talk to him and make time for him. My grandparents were even on it, you see my mom’s aunt and my grandfather are siblings and they haven’t had any contact at all for the past 20 years because of their own misunderstanding with each other I think and only now were they able to talk to each other again because of me.
My grandparents were enjoying it of course. Why? Because she was sending them money. I even received a message from my grandmother that says just go with her (mom’s aunt from Florida) decision it’s been years since they’ve talked and she threaten to end their communication again if you were to back out. Like Hell! Why are you putting the burden on my shoulder? Why should I be the one responsible for it? It was a mess. I knew I couldn’t argue with my grandmother because if I did they would tell me I have no respect at all.
Even one of my aunt sent me a message that says just bear with it and try. It’s easy to learn to love someone besides when you get there and you don’t like it anymore you can divorce him at least you’re in America. The fuck! you have a daughter of your own would you tell her the same? I didn’t want to be married and get a divorce just like that. I felt like a cornered mouse. They all wanted me to do what they want. I had one more person whom I thought would have been able to help. My grandfather. Before I told him my side he told me that he would record our conversation I didn’t pay any attention to it at first but now that I think about it he probably would have used it as a scapegoat in the future to clean his name. There I was pouring my heart out to my grandfather sobbing and all. You know what he told me? You accepted the money. You spent the money. It would ruin the family reputation if you refused. Everyone would say you only wanted his money. No loving comfort from my grandfather. I was stupid to expect he would understand me. Though I know I was guilty of using his money but I spent it to buy groceries for my family besides I wouldn’t even have gotten it if they didn’t force me to.
I told the guy everything. He was dumbfounded of course. That’s when I also learned that my mom’s aunt was telling him lies. She told him that I cared for him and that I loved him which gave him the false impression that I actually do love him. He came here expecting that where was already a mutual understanding between us but he was wrong. It broke his heart as well. Under the same roof my mom was also staying at the house he had his own room and I had my own room too. It came to their knowledge that the relationship they wanted to form was never going to happen. Once when my grandmother visited the house I could hear her say to him that my granddaughter is really stupid to not do this. A few days passed my uncle offered to show him around town specially where all the adult clubs were of course he wanted to drown in his sorrow and went with them for a few consecutive nights. Often coming in late and drunk. I felt even miserable and at the same time numb for causing him to be like that. After those episodes he contacted his stepmom told her that he wanted to leave the house to somewhere his stepmom has relatives. She agreed to it but my mom and her relatives was not. I was able to speak to her stepmom that time and I was like a volcano that erupted. My tears won’t stop as I told her I didn’t want to do this nor get married and have divorce. I kept apologizing, she told me it was okay and that she understands. Those words from a complete stranger gave me relief, words that I wanted to hear from my mom.
That conversation didn’t go unheard. My mom’s aunt started calling and saying how disappointed she was of the situation and how embarrassed she felt there because his stepmom was accusing her of forcing his stepson into it. After he left and we dropped him off the airport nothing was peaceful for me and for our family.
My mom’s relatives started bashing her for having a daughter like me. I was called the lowest of things to have shamed the family name in Florida and for bringing embarrassment to my mom’s aunt. I was called the black sheep.
However, all of that could have been prevented if only my mom showed sympathy for me or if my mom chose my decision over the decision of her family. If only she listened to her daughter.
That incident created a huge scar for me. One that won’t be healing anytime soon. None of them even bothered to hear me out or to ask if I’m all right. I learned that I can trust no one except for myself. I learned that I would only be valuable to them if I have a use for them. I saw how easy it was for them to put the blame on me. They didn’t see how they’re words made me suffer how they had each other to talk too but I had none as a result I exploded and sobbed to his stepmom. The only person who showed me kindness real or not.
For a while my mom and her aunt didn’t talk. My grandparents were angry at me but I had no choice after all if they could use me like that and step all over my feelings what importance do I hold? Nothing. I bowed my head and apologized. I apologized to my mom’s aunt. I apologized to my mom.
I don’t think I’ll ever heal.
Even if I wanted to.
I was emotionally abused with no one to turn too.
My trust was shattered.
In the end all I could do was move on with my life and act as if it didn’t happen.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
From time to time I would just phase out and remember the pain then feel numb.