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Life is cruel to me, and refuses to let me die.

I don’t blame her for making this choice.

We were never very compatible so it was bound to happen.

It is what it is. I suppose I am upset at the outcome but I will soon get over it, yet I can’t help but feel like this is some sort of joke.

I see this in both a logical stand point and that of a more emotional one.

Logically, I understand her motives. However emotionally, I feel betrayed and used.

Led on to believe that there was ever any chance for us. She says we can just go back to being friends, but I can never view her as anything less than my missing piece. I sit at my computer desk mindlessly playing games as a sort of distraction so I am not to overthink it. Everything has meaning, something that builds up to the vital point in which a decision is made that will alter one’s life. With this being said, what is the correct response to the sudden change. I cannot answer this simply because I myself cannot choose between isolating myself from the rest of the world and finally leaving in peace or attempt to once again move on through this change in hopes to better myself and better my idea of how humans interact with one another. There is nothing I am able to do, I haven’t felt this powerless since the time I was with Anastasia.

I do not mean to compare the two, but instead mean to point out that I am once again alone without purpose in my life and thus I have been left the same choice I was given previously.

Do I live and hope of finding my purpose in life in a feeble attempt to better myself or Do I end it all to quit being a burden onto others so that they may interim better themselves.

These are the thoughts running through my head, and it would seem I am leaning more towards ridding myself from this world? My only fear is how fearless I am of the thought that I am ok with disappearing. Funny, I think this and here I am casting aside my fear of being forgotten in hopes that I may forget. I feel ever taunted by her remarks and her sweet smile. I have been wounded by such a poison that is draining the very happiness I thought I had finally found. My mind is so clouded with the idea that if I was just a bit better maybe I could have kept her eyes centered on me. Going out of my way to look the best I can all for her. To do the best that I can to get her approval. I have unknowingly based my life around her and it feels as if I am now being pushed out into the dark. My nightmares haunt me once more and I fear sleeping at night. I have been awake for days now fearing the worse and yet it has already happened. If there is a God then he is cruel and has done me wrong yet again.

I now having a more relevant fear. I have been rejected yet again, casted aside after fulfilling the desires of the one using me. I once again and lost and confused without my guide in the dark. Would it be wrong of me to resent myself for failing to be better than what I am. Why is it that I envy everyone who draws her smile to them? I had previously locked away my emotions for this very reason. Having trusted them again I am now questioning the liability of my actions. I have taken up walking again as a way to further distract myself.

However, it is no use. I can fake a smile and laugh, going about my day and pretend that I’m not fucking dying inside. I’ve lost my inspiration, the one thing that gave my life meaning. The part of me that drove me to achieve the impossible. I fear of what I might become. Even Though I try my hardest not to think of the matter, my brain is clouded.

I cannot see as clear as I once was able. Everything has taken a grayer tone. Through the chaos running rapid inside of my head there is only but one
burning question that haunts me. A question that I’m unable to answer. A question I could never answer.

Am I ok? Simple yet deadly to the now dying mind of mine. I have thought through dusk and dawn of a solution. Some way that I could change everything. Every outcome leads to the same painful result, and it hurts. My heart hurts so much, to be outcasted by the one I cherish most. To be told that she no longer feels the same about me. It only leads me to think that maybe another as entered her life. Someone much wiser than me, handsomer than me, better than me. My pride is gone and I write down the scatter thoughts that I can understand. Jumbled as they maybe I sit at my desk and type away, hoping that it might calm my thoughts. Yet still I feel broken. How could I not, I gave everything to be with her.

I confessed my feelings and she accepted them. My life was starting to look up, but I should have seen it coming. I am to damned to have such luxuries as happiness.

Life is cruel to me, it gives me moments of the blissful ignorance I long for. All before ripping it away from me and dealing my already fragile state of mind another blow.

Life is cruel to me, and refuses to let me die.

 

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