I am at the age of 22 and like others at my age, I am not sure what I want to do with my life. I had a decent job with a stable income for the past few months, but decided to blow that away due to suffering from mental illness. This has happened to not only one, but a couple more jobs on top of that as well. In other words, I’d like to call it my over-thinking depressing twin, who suffers from a bad case of anxiety and loneliness.
To tell you the truth my life wasn’t ever so great, and having a dysfunctional family took its toll on everything in my life as well. I feel as if I was born with a cursed soul who walks along the cold earth bed alone, in the darkest hours of the early mornings.
Meeting new people wasn’t a problem, only some of the women I’ve had feelings for are the ones I am afraid of. I never truly understood myself for saying, and doing the things I have done to destroy trust and friendship so quickly. I’ve failed another lovely girl, with a broken heart. Nothing can make me go back now.
I suddenly fell into a hole of darkness, and felt like nothing can save me from these voices that keep me awake during the early hours of the morning. All the regrets and secrets that I keep inside, escape the safe of thoughts when I run and hide. Why am I like this? Why do I over think everything that happens in my life?
I look at myself in the mirror and can’t even recognise the person that I am now, compared to who I was before. I am losing some friends, and other family members look down on me for being so quiet all the time, and leaving jobs that were killing me inside. I find it hard to motivate myself to be a better me almost every day that I plan on changing. All the time and effort I’ve wasted and lost, has turned me into a hopeless no body with nothing to show for all his hard work.
I’ve seen a professional psychologist, spoken out to family/friends that I trust. Even co-workers who tried to understand my problems couldn’t even help me. It’s quite sad actually, and now I’m left with doctors’ appointments and medication as the last option. Who knows? New year, new me? HA HA, doubt it. Anything that makes me happy seems to reject me, turn against me, or even break on me. If you are going to ask, yes, I have had thoughts of going down the road of no return, but no. I said no to myself.
Why would I risk hurting and destroying others that I dearly love, and that care about me above all? just for my own selfish needs? How would I ever think of doing something like that to them! I can never do such a shameful act. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people do it because there is no other way out. But come on, there must be? We aren’t invincible which I understand. Small steps first, then bigger ones as days get slightly easier. I just need someone to tell me that life is going to be okay at the end, is there really happiness for us all at the end of this yellow brick road, or are some of us just going to lose our minds completely to the point where no one cares about us?