After all the meager conditions I decided to start again, new house, new work, and no friends. But changes do not change yourself, the core is clear.
I can clearly not be alone, and I am bored to death here. Many influences, influences that find me without me looking for them. It strikes me how sensitive I am when I’m sober, how hard I feel everything and how hard I ‘escape’. If I want to travel, is this also a flight?
No permanent job, no loan, no friend, or obligation. I do not think so, I do not hate much to escape from myself. As soon as the money from my grandmother is on my account, I leave for Camino, I mean it this time. The last time I inherited a few thousand euros, I have shamed my dead grandmother, used only for superficial things. Often, I imagine how she looked weeping every time I put my bank card in the machine, all her hard-earned money for her family that I just wasted on the most negative and destructive things and people.
Secretly I enjoyed it, the fact that I had money gave me a certain strength and power. As if I could solve everything with that sum of money. Now, thinking back to that happy period, I feel heavily guilty against the whole family. Yes, Moemoe, sorry, really my deepest apologies; I wasted your money on drugs, luxury products, dinners, and parties. I enjoyed being carefree but imagine; after years of poverty in a poor family, after years of money worries, after years of monitoring, I finally had access to money, my first sum of money.
After only 1 month it was completely gone but I felt how it felt and I wanted more. After a severe crisis without work, I was happy with a simple meal. If someone treated me to a meal, I was much more blissful than when I could buy everything to eat. I have learned that experiencing black snow and sitting on the bottom of that well can teach you a very important lesson. Money does not make you happy, love does.
Love of those who have helped me, it was not the goods that gave me happiness even though I tore of hunger, it was the love for me that they showed, the gesture. This gesture made my soul thaw and my soul fell weeping with gratitude and acceptance into each other whenever someone helped me without asking anything. Normally I was always the one who gave, never really thought about how it felt to get something out of love.
The feeling can really tear you out of love, does it not sound right? Yes, love can feel so intensely that your strong, independent soul falls apart and forces you on your knees and accepts them. I came up with the idea to help people in the future, not to occupy myself uselessly with self-destructive products. I realize it, I also realize when people use me, I also know directly what people want to do with me, but still I continue.
My self-respect may be slightly better, I can do better, I deserve better. I can handle that Camino, I want to finish something in life, and that trip, that trip will help me with that. I am a loner, I like to be alone, I am the best at myself. What does everything else think? Fuck it, I have spent too much energy on you, negative anxiety energy. I want to be myself, the hippie that I am, I do not want a driver’s license, I do not want a house, car or land or a high school diploma.
I just want to be able to be myself, develop myself in peace, be able to show myself without being a backstage, chased by gossip, haunted by my own fears, chased by the projected expectations of my parents, chased by greedy people who want me, haunted for my heart. I want to be free, I want to be able to walk on the street and not notice anything of all those looks.
I want to be proud of every family party answers to all the critical questions of my relatives, I want to transform their worried and critical looks with self-confidence into a satisfied smile. I am who I am, I am no less. I have been through a lot and made the wrong choices, but I love you, all I want is that you are proud.
I wanted to make your expectations true, but that is precisely my fault. I was too busy being “that” person that I forgot myself, my unique, special, adventurous soul. I was unhappy, I went into the darkness, … And everything got worse. I found myself back, I saw everything clear, I still make mistakes, but I realize that what I’ve been through was to keep you satisfied and reassured. What immense energy I put in you to keep up appearances, my family. I am no less than you or lost, I am leaving on a ‘long’ journey because I have found myself, because I ‘remember’ what I always wanted to do. What you rejected out of concern as a bad choice or ‘flight or waste of time’.