Okay so last year when I got my heart broken I told myself that I was just going to stop looking for love, and I did for a little bit, but I still believed that I was going to find it, so I didn’t want to give up completely. I just started to use the law of attraction to manifest the guy of my dreams…

So, I started to imagine what he’d look like, and what he was wearing. He was perfect, I thought about this dream guy A LOT and felt like he was going to be in my life. I felt like he was so close but yet so far. Time went by and I slowly started to give up hope that I’d find him. But I got a job and BAM! There he was, the guy that I wanted to manifest into my life. He looked exactly like the guy I imagined. One day he even wore the same clothes I saw in my little vision of him. I was shocked.

But lately I’ve been getting my heart broken by him time after time. He doesn’t know that I’m in love with him, and I’m so scared to tell him my true feelings because they’re so deep, that I’m not sure how he’d take it. I found out that he was friends with my rapist, another thing that broke my heart. Later I was told by a co-worker that she supposedly slept with him? and I felt like she told me on purpose just, so she could hurt me, because I know she knew I liked him, he flirted with me and just treated me so well around her and she saw that, so she took advantages and told me, she knew what she was doing.

But anyways he basically told me that he’s a fuckboy and doesn’t want a relationship? I used to be turned off by guys who like to party, smoke and drink, not to mention fuckboys. He does all those things, yet I still love him, I don’t judge him, and I still want him. Even though I keep getting broken hearted by him I still love him, and he doesn’t know it, but I’m tired of getting hurt. I can’t let go but my heart is hurting so much. Despite all those things he’s the only one who brings the best out of me.

He challenges me, makes me better, lights up my day, makes me laugh A LOT. He can tell when I’m down even when I lie to him. When I broke down at work, he was the only one who comforted me. Also, I forgot to mention that I’ve been having none stop dreams of him for the past 11 months, if it’s not every day then it’s every other day.

So, I’ve worked with him for about a year and he quit 2 weeks before his birthday. I was heartbroken that he left but good thing I still had his snapchat. I wished him a happy birthday, he thanked me, then I asked him if he was going to celebrate and he said, “Prolly not” but 2 days after his birthday he celebrates its. How do I know? He posted about it on Snapchat. I feel like he lied to me because he didn’t want to invite me, and it’s crazy because the girl that he supposedly slept with requested that day off. So, I guess she went to his party to celebrate and not me. But that’s okay I didn’t want to go in the first place, but dang he didn’t have to lie in the first place (that is if he did) after that I deleted my snapchat.

It’s December now and I feel like I’m 99.9% over this guy, but why is that 1% still there? I feel like I was played even though we were never together. I just want to forget about him…. Wow a part of my body felt weak as I wrote that. I guess that’s the 1% of me still holding onto him by a thread. Please if this guy isn’t for me just let me forget about him and move on. I’m honestly tired of holding on, make it stop. Why can’t I move on 100%? This is killing me inside.

I don’t have dreams of him every day anymore, it’s more like every once in a while. So are the dreams about my previous job, a while back he told me that he would have dreams about our job a lot too, that really shocked me since we were both having bad dreams about that place. I’m thinking about getting another job soon since I moved, and I live next to a different location of my previous job… How ironic? I’m thinking about working there since I have experience, wish me luck.

Was he really my dream guy? Or was my mind just tricking me, playing a little joke on me? If it was a joke, it wasn’t funny at all because I was left with a broken heart. I feel myself turning heartless. I’m hurt, wondering why? Was there something wrong with me? Was I not pretty enough? Intelligent? Amazing? I guess I was too dumb, dingy, gullible, and naive. I’m sorry for getting my hopes up about this word called “Love.” Do I still believe in it? Yes, I got to be really brave to still believe in love despite me being heartbroken. I guess I refuse to let a bad experience make me lose hope.

That song by Adele plays in my head time after time, “Never mind I’ll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you, too. Don’t forget me, I think I’ll remember you say. Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead.” Although I do want to find someone like him physically and I still want him to treat me as well as he did, I just don’t want him to drink, smoke, or party like him. I don’t want him to be a fuckboy, just be innocent, be kind, and compassionate.

Don’t lie to me and sleep with other girls, I didn’t think I would get upset about him having sex with other girls because back then my mindset was ” sex is just for pleasure. You can sleep with a person and not even have an emotional connection with them, so why would I get mad at him if he doesn’t even like the girl like that? ” Although that is partly true it still hurt when the girl told me she supposedly slept with him. He denied it by the way. He said she was lying and that he would never sleep with her because she’s a hoe, but fuckboys love hoes because they’re easy. He said that she was trying to make him her rebound?

Ughhhh enough about this, it’s in the past…. Sometimes I just can’t stop thinking about it, it makes me so upset that people would purposely try to hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? Why do good people like me get hurt? I really don’t understand it, it’s not fair. I deserve the world, I deserve the love I give so easily & cheerfully. So why won’t anyone give it back? Why won’t the people I like and hold so close to my heart give that love right back to me?

I feel like I’m slowly giving up hope… Please to all the Men and Women out there, don’t toy or play with anyone’s heart. Don’t purposely try to bring someone down just to benefit yourself. You’ll dig your own grave if you do that. Karma is waiting for you at the door, the second you open it, it will be too late, you’ll get what you invited in your home and leave the person you hurt heartless. That’s how heartless people are born, through being hurt. Leave the good people alone, they’re the ones that’ll make this planet a better place.