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It always feels the same

There’s this stupid feeling I get sometimes. It’s more of a reaction, but who am I kidding… Everything is feeling for me now-a-days. It always feels the same, but it happens in so many different scenarios.

For instance, I noticed a girl in a Starbucks while I was pretending to be productive. Why do I notice her, well she’s extremely cute? Definitely my type. In a weekend hoodie, tied back hair, chewing gum, headphones in ear, round glasses with wire rims, extremely focused and busy. I note that she definitely isn’t wearing her best, a sign that she is comfortable here and taking a day off. However, in the back of my head I think that it is probably because she is already in a relationship. Foreshadowing too strong?

Of course, she doesn’t notice me, I certainly never get noticed nor do I expect it. I try to focus on being productive myself, but I keep glancing at her. I wonder who she is. What her name is. What she dreams of doing or being, what are her aspirations. What is she like and could she be my friend. Then like ice water pouring down my head, dread leaks in.

A cool and attractive man sits next to her, she greets him with a smile. It is so foolish. I don’t even know her, I never even said one word to her, and yet it feels like I just lost someone and was rejected. My mood is completely shut down and now I’m depressed. The logical side of my brain knows this doesn’t make sense which causes my emotions to spiral more. A feedback loop of negativity.

I know the right response should have been disappointment and “oh, well that’s too bad, but he looks nice”. Or something along those lines. However, my emotional response is a factor of 100 times more intense for no reason. The thoughts that exist in my head are now, “you’re alone, you’ll always be alone, nobody likes you, you don’t deserve friendship nor companionship, you are trash… die”. I only learned recently that this is classic borderline personality disorder.

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