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Why do I feel that I am not capable of happiness?

When people like Jonghyun and Chester Bennington commit suicide, it makes me wonder what exactly makes anyone happy. Is it money? Or is it family? Maybe friends? But they had all of those. I have all of those. Yet why do I feel that I am not capable of happiness? And why the hell it is so partial to people? It is so easy for some people yet is so difficult for others. And what even is happiness? Feeling of belongingness? Peacefulness of mind? Feeling content? Maybe. But all of these are not in someone’s control, is it? So, how can someone make sure that they feel happy?

Do they have to fake a smile when they are sad? Check.
Do they have to hang out with friends even when they don’t want to? Check.
Do they have to share their feelings to someone only to be comforted by words like ‘you will be okay’, ‘you are thinking too much’? Check.

I have done all of those and I am sure they did too. It didn’t make me happy, neither did them. So, what is the cure? How do we let go of this worthlessness and hopelessness? I am sure that our families don’t feel that we are worthless. Neither our friends but somehow our demons make us feel that we are. So, how do we convince them? How do we make our demons understand that we exist for a reason when even we can’t think of one?

And the worst part of all is people can’t even tell that we feel this way by just looking at us or talking to us. We have become so good at putting up a mask that no one can even suspect that we think of dying every now and then.

I have everything. Like them. A good job. Enough money to live. A loving family. A bunch of people whom I can call friends. Yet I feel so lonely. I don’t blame them. They are good people. Maybe my loneliness is self-inflicted. I am the one who cut off from people. But that is because I just don’t connect with them, or as a matter of fact, anyone. So, maybe it IS me. I am the reason I am unhappy. But how do I change that?

To be honest, I don’t have courage to end my life like them. I think of it every day. Different ways to go. I have possibly thought of every way I can make every pain go away. But I just cannot bring myself to do it, maybe because it would break my family. Or maybe because there is still some hope left in me. Maybe it would get better. Maybe someday I would be able to experience happiness like others, like normal people do.

But right now, I am scared. I am truly terrified. What if that one tiny little ray of hope starts to disappear? It happened to them, happens to millions of people like me. What if my life starts to slip through my fingers too? What if this darkness starts to overcome me like it did to them? Please someone save me before it’s too late. Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? I don’t want to go but I don’t think I can hold on for too long. Someone please help me! It’s calling me.

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