I know you may not know me but here’s my story (well, at least this year)
January to March- Final months of the finals. Nothing special. Just having this thoughts that I want to have something new for me. I was always tired of going to school every day and coming home feeling drained.
April to June- Start of summer class. Now I’m thinking about changing courses. I don’t want this anymore. This isn’t what I always thought back when I was younger. Keep blaming my situation and regretting every decision that I had from that moment. I always want something creative and more artistic. I always wanted that. Didn’t stop talking about it for years. But, didn’t do something about it. Blame’s on me. Right? Though I had friends whose always supportive. I know they are getting sick and tired of me always complaining and telling them about my dreams as I always getting tired hearing theirs too. Dammit! I just wanted to be in something new.
Mid-June to July- Got a call from my dad, said he’ll be taking us to the U.S. We were so happy. I thought to myself “Finally! something new!” You know every, family from other countries (some) that has low payments on everything and big bills on everything is hard. I was getting sick and tired of there. I can’t make any progress on myself, and this is the time that we should leave. By July 2,3,4 and 5 we all prepared our things and say our farewell to our extended families and friends. But we’ll be back, I know we will.
At that moment I was feeling good, I feel like we are making progress in our lives now that there is something new. I’m not going to lie, I was proud at that time that we are able to move out of that one hell of a city I grew up in. We are leaving the old memories whether it be good or bad, I’m really going to miss them so much.
July 6 to August- We are finally here. I can’t believe this! Ah!!! At least in my head I was excited. VERY! so we head to the apartment where my dad lived. But there was one catch, that apartment is a company owned one! Every day of the week their boss comes there to try to check up on everything, because that’s where their construction equipment is placed. Every morning there are tractors and cranes or whatever moving around and because of that we don’t go out a lot because dad has to work, and my family is just staying there. Not going out. Ever. We are stuck in that tiny apartment forever. and ever. I think I’ll be okay to be alone if I do go out often and see other faces. But, I always see my family. I’m getting tired of it actually. I do love them I really do, it’s just that almost all the people that are close to me, is always complaining about things and fight all the time. I sound hypocritical on this but it’s true. I do complain but I keep it to myself (hahaha now, not anymore. >.<)
Maybe I over exaggerated a bit, but we go out, like buying groceries. But that’s about it. But on birthday’s it’s all good. We do go to places.
All the people that are close to me always says to me this; “Hey, when are you going to lose weight? because you know, you’re really big now.” or “Hey, you’re really pretty but you’re fat.”
Those words really took a toll on me. I have been insecure all my life. And that insecurity leads to binge eating. Because you know, I need to have some outlet to breathe and food has given me that oxygen.
And my environment didn’t even help at all, when we buy groceries we spend a lot on food. Like a lot. And me, being the glutton one, I always eat the groceries and left overs. I know what you’re going to think. Anyway, that’s always been my life.
Last week of August to December – By the last week of August, we moved out of the apartment. Moved to a new one. seems nice. We’re not close to each other anymore. 2 rooms. I had always the same problems, Insecure. Eat. Fight. Eat. Sleeping late. My siblings have gone to school now. My mom and I are stay-at-home moms. And no, I’m not a mom. I just look like one. Only few moments happened in the last 4 months of this year. I tried to lose weight. Used all the exercises I found on the internet. I ended up binge eating again by the end of the day. All of it. Ruined. I had to start again and end up again to where I started. The most interesting moment I had this year was, I entered a contest. But sadly, I didn’t win. I’m still shy in front of the crowd. Low stage performance. But happy, because I met a few acquaintances, befriend them and it was fun.
The thing is, I always want to face life alone. But every time, my family is always there. I think for now, we should still stick together, we’re still alien here in this new place. And still waiting.
This my most stupid, repetitive, and annoying story that I had in my life so far.
I’m just sick of it. I always end up being a loser in the end. Had a lot of downs and less ups this year.
This year, this is the last ramble about my life. I WILL do something now. I’m tired of complaining and not doing anything. Always procrastinating to the promises that I have said. Always feeling sorry for myself. Inconsistent of my own journey to healthy living. This bullshit talking. This year I had all the time in my hands. The time of wasting, soul searching and learning. I stopped school this year. It gave me time to sort out what I really want. I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep. I cried because of the thought of not doing it.
The year 2018, I don’t want to expect much. I will just do what I didn’t do this year. I don’t want to complain anymore. I want to live in the moment. Meet with people more. Talk to people more. And not to be stuck on myself. The dreams that I had, I will do it.
Thank you for reading this stupid story that I had.