Here I am. Alone with only my feelings and the nicotine I’m deathly addicted to.

I like a boy. A new one. Nothing wrong with him at all.

I’m just struggling because I’m madly in love with a boy who never has and never will love me back.

I see him hurt me and I let him. Every damn time. I let him in. In my heart and in me.

My first time was with him.

My first time falling in love was with him.

He didn’t love me. He doesn’t love me. He never will. And it scares me to death because here I am, constantly unfaithful to the boy I’m with because my walls are too big to be opened.

I have a hole. A deep one in my heart. The only things that fill that hole are drugs, alcohol, and boys. So many fucking boys. I don’t know why I do it. I really wish I knew. I hurt myself emotionally so bad. Every fucking time.

I can’t seem to figure myself out but my soul aches to figure the boy I love out. I see his deep pain from afar. I see him filling his holes with drugs, sex, and alcohol. Same as me. I want to fill his holes. And I need to get out of my hole. It’s as if the boy I’m with his at the top of the hole with a ladder. And I refuse to climb it. I don’t know why. I really don’t know why. I look at him and every time I look away the hole gets deeper.

And the boy I love is stuck in the bottom of a hole right fucking next to me. And I’m scraping away at the fucking walls trying to reach him. To feel him. To breathe him. To understand his holes. To heal them while he heals mine. To feel his skin on my skin. To be with him. I need him so bad.

He’s treated me like shit since I hooked up with him the first time. I was at the beach once in Miami with my friend and my mom. He was there. The most beautiful and captivating boy I’ve ever met. In my hotel, at my pool, in my elevator, and then on the beach with me. Sneaking out at 3am to drink tequila on the beach. It was quiet, but it was one of the most beautiful and blissful moments of my life. We were friends. I want him to let me in. I need him to let me in. Whenever I see him, he wants me, and I want him. I never show it though.

I act like I don’t care. But I do. So much. And I can’t stop caring. I can’t stop wanting. I can’t stop drinking. I can’t stop breaking people that love me because I don’t understand how they possibly could love me. I can’t stop hurting. I can’t stop being impulsive and fucking stupid. And for him, I can’t say no. I’m scared to death to love him, so I haven’t let myself realize I love him.

Holy fucking shit I’m in love with him. The completely wrong one, the worst one, but the best one at the same time.