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Life as a twin

To my twin,

We were together for 17 years. It is now the 18th year and I don’t have a twin sister. I used to say I have a twin to literally everyone I met. To my coworkers or when the teacher asks me to reveal 3 interesting facts about myself to break the ice. Now I don’t say anything until I specifically get asked about my siblings and parents. The first thing people say when they find out I’m a twin, they ask “how is it like being a twin?” What I usually say is “It’s like having a built in best friend and enemy.

The second we were born, we were best friends. When I cried, you cried. I always had someone to talk to and to play with. We didn’t mind dressing the same because we loved the idea of being twins. We never separated from each other. We would both get this overpowering anxiety that would only stop one we physically saw each other. You knew me better than anyone because we shared that connection.

As we grew older, we started dressing differently. We were still close, but it was the beginning of the end because we started doing these little independent things like keeping one tiny secret at a time or trying to get different friends. Going through high school, we grew further apart. We only talked because it would be inconvenient not to considering we had the same classes and friends. The universe gave us every single chance. The same classes from the moment we started school to our last year in high school. It gave us loving parents who never tried separating us. It was like the universe wanted us to work out, but it wasn’t. The second our feet touched the floor of our front door, we went straight to our own rooms and not talk till the next day in second period.

Our parents noticed, our friends noticed, everyone noticed how the sisters that were inseparable, well, were separating. The sad truth about being a twin is you are constantly being thought of as one person. People don’t make the effort to try and get the name right and laugh when it’s the wrong one and say things like “it doesn’t matter, you’re the same person.” I heard Dad say once to a family friend that the reason we stopped acting like twins as because we were tired of being compared to each other and It’s true.

We weren’t the same at this point and we just needed one little push to break everything. And that was when he came in. You think I don’t know you, but I do know you. You can lie to yourself and say things like you love him. I know you were only looking for someone to call yours. I found my person and I know he isn’t yours. Yours isn’t in this small town filled with people who only want one thing. I know you felt trapped. You were lonely, you wanted love, but couldn’t get it. You weren’t the problem in your journey to find love because you’re someone that someone has to work for to get through. But you let him in easily and it destroyed us because I didn’t like it. Not because I didn’t want you to leave me or some other reason. But because of what I know about you.

This isn’t how your story ends. This isn’t you.

Or maybe it is. Maybe I don’t know you. Maybe this is who you are. Maybe he is the one for you. Like I said to you the day I left home, I hope this works out because it lost us. I don’t want forgiveness for how it went down. Nor am I looking to make it work again. I am doing this because while we were growing apart for a while and I guess I got used to not talking to you every single minute. But it’s harder now that I moved away. I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss you jumping on my bed. I miss how we used to eat chocolate powder when we were little. I miss how we talked about moving somewhere cold and finding cute coffee shops. I missed how we used to hold hands walking to class. I miss how much it hurt to breathe because we made each other so hard.

We aren’t the same anymore and even if some gift from God makes us talk to each other again, I don’t think I can look at you the same way as I did. You really hurt me and leaving you behind was the hardest thing I ever had to do or will ever do, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t want to keep looking back and crying over our conversations and pictures. Having my own place has made me work harder for what I want. I want to get out of here. I want to have a career in forensics. What I don’t want is to feel like there is a black cloud over me all the time. Being at home made me feel that. While it’s lonely without having my family, I feel like I’m not judged and can finally breathe. What I’m saying twin sister is I hope you are fine, I hope you do fine, I hope you remember our times together and I hope you get what you wish for. Good-bye.

One Comment

  1. i can understand your vulnerability… the pain of separation is not easy to handle… hope you will your peace someday… god bless you…

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