I’ve only ever had nightmares as long as I can remember. I used to hate sleeping. I got used to it. Then I lost you. And now every waking moment feels like a nightmare. It feels like the same unreal feeling. I’m still in shock.
I have severe separation anxiety. I had a dream where you were gone. It used to be a nightmare. But now even that has become something better than being awake because at least in the dream we can have conversations. In the nightmare I was having, a lot of bad things happened, and then I was driving us somewhere. Taking us away from everything. We talked for a few moments and had a little laugh like old times.
Then I felt the sadness, I realized I was asleep. I knew it wasn’t real. My eyes welled up, but I didn’t say anything. I kept driving. The ‘dream you’ didn’t know she wasn’t real. I did. She filled the silence. She said in a knowing tone, “what, let me guess, you miss me”. I felt the hole I’ve been feeling for months. Never changing, never filled. Same pain. Made worse. I said, “duh of course I do.” In the same sarcastic voice, I usually have, with a slight crack in the end.
I didn’t want it to end. I wanted this painful moment to last. It was better than what I knew I would soon wake up to. She went on, “well you know you still got to put me to sleep, grandpa”. She used to call me grandpa playfully sometimes when I was taking my time with something, or when she wanted me to take care of her in some way. Taking care of her when she was sick, bringing her soup or medicine, kissing her forehead before work every morning.
A thousand memories flooded through me. I looked at her face and felt despair. She had no idea. And she wasn’t the same person I loved, but the person I loved was still her. I cried. And then I woke up and I was crying. Even worse knowing that I couldn’t go back to that moment to be with her again. To just be with her. Just talking and laughing for a few moments. To feel those hints of what my heart had been needing for almost a year now. The hints of my honey. I just want to kiss her one last time. And have 5 minutes with the person who loved me the way I love her. To say goodnight. Never goodbye. But goodnight. Together forever, and ever. My honey. Goodnight.