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All I could think about was her again

So, let me tell you all a little story. When I was growing up through elementary school, I didn’t talk to anyone. I had no other friends besides two kids that I saw for about 3 hours in the after-school program every day. My daily life through middle school was pretty much the same. Go to school, do my work, go home and play video games. All the while, the lack of social interactions had unknowingly turned me into an angst-filled-pissed-off-little-shit-head who was mean to everyone.

Near the end of middle school, I finally snapped out of it and realized what an ass I was. But by that time the damage had already been done, no one would talk to me and I had the reputation of being a horrible person. Finally, when high school came around, I tried to get a better image and ended up slipping into a middle ground of being a nerdy loner that was more or less an emotionally crippled smartass (still not great but a lot nicer than before).

Around that time, everyone was getting into dating at my school. I had already decided (with help from my parents) that high school dating really wasn’t worth, due to of all the teenage drama that I would be in the middle of. But every once in a while, I would get caught up in a wave of loneliness and would spend days dreaming of finally having someone to talk to and be with.

Now, you may ask why I didn’t just find a girl I liked and just hang out with her. That’s an excellent question, short answer, I don’t know. I just kind of figured that something would happen eventually (spoiler it never did). At this time, I had a huge crush on this one girl named Emily. We went to middle school together, but we never talked since I only had one class with her.

Anyone who’s had a teenage crush knows the feeling, you can’t think of anything else except being close to them (I compare the feeling to one of an ice pick of emotion that’s lodged into your mind, you can’t get it out and you always know it’s there). I still didn’t what to do, so I kept my mouth shut and focused on school. I kept telling myself that high school dating wouldn’t work out and that she was too perfect for me. She was one of the prettiest and nicest girls in the school while still being able to dish out as much sarcasm and smartassery as I did.

On the extremely rare occasion that we did meet she was always nice to me. Even if Emily was faking it I was happy that she even when through the effort of faking it. Our first actual conversation was so awkward for me that I ended up just walking away at the end, while she was able to put up with my awkwardness like a pro.

Don’t get the wrong idea ok, I like to think of myself as a pretty intelligent and confident guy, with one of my friends even accusing me of being completely narcissistic (even though I did it just to annoy him). But seriously, I was just some scrawny (yet wiry) loner. I thought that she was completely deserving of someone more outgoing and just plain better than me. After high school ended, Emily and I went to different colleges. I’m now at the end of the second week of the first semester (and am writing this instead of working on my English paper).

A while ago (like an hour or two ago) I hit another spurt of loneliness, and all I could think about was her again. I ended up on my bed, sitting under my covers, trying to calm down and not have a panic attack (at least not this early in my college years). Personally, I find darkness comforting since it shrinks the world down into my own personal bubble.

While I was thinking, I realized that I just needed some way to get my feelings out there, even if Emily never saw it. So, I logged onto a site called Ask.fm, she had an account that I used to talk to her back in middle school. Neither of us had been on in a couple of years so to me, it seemed the best place to put it.

At first, I didn’t know what to write, I mean how could you possibly say this type of thing without coming off as extremely creepy right? I wanted to tell her everything I thought about her……unfortunately there was a 300-char. lock on the question box, so I had to get right to the point. I told her that I’ve always had feelings for her ever since middle school and that one of my biggest regrets was never having the courage to tell her. I ended it with saying that she should never forget how amazing she is.

The funny thing is, is that even though I know she will probably never see it, I still felt instantly felt better. I don’t know why I’m writing this, I guess I just need some place to vent about it. But that’s the story, to anyone with the time and patience to put up with my sad tale of woe (even though thousands of other people have had the same or even better stories) I thank you.

Great now that that’s done I guess I have to go finish that English paper, huh?

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