I am not depressed, but I always have a thought of suicide.
I recently feel that everything I did, everyone take it for granted, it feels as if I have to meet their double standard because it is me. Me, and why me. Just because it is me, people treat me differently.
I always study hard, get to a good university every parents always dream of, I studied hard that I suddenly get a chronic infection that almost killed me, I was able to get through that, but my parents still treat my siblings a lot better than me. I even think that I am adopted child.
I always did my best, studied as hard as I can, try to do better than everyone, but whenever teacher or what, compare me to my colleague, they always rate me lowest, while my friends didn’t take more effort for that. I always have to do more effort to get less than anyone can have.
I am not a bad kid, I believe in god, I did what it is right according to my belief, sometimes I get too carried away with life, but everyone else can do worse than me, but they still have a better luck.
I am not good looking so people get bored when they see me, sometimes they ignored me as if I am invisible. I am not a rich so people looking at me as if they look at piece of rug. I am not smart, so people often make fun of me. One thing I can brag about my self is my hard work.
But since I have that illness, it restricts me from working too hard. Now I have nothing to be proud of myself. Sometimes, I see people with worse situation than me, that my life is much much better than them, that I should be thankful for what I have right now, but I cannot help but crying and keep comparing myself to people around me who get a better life.
I even wonder if anyone would read this cause my English is not that good, even if I spent almost 15 years studying English. Sometimes I see a high building thinking if I jump, everything will over, but then I think about how people who starve, who live in war every day, then I start hating myself more for not being thankful, for being selfish. I have nothing to be proud of myself anymore.
I understand how you are feeling right now. But let me tell you one thing. People call me good-looking but it did no good to me. Neither did it fetch good friends or a boyfriend. Very Few people envied me and tried to do bad things to me though I cared for them and loved them so much. And those who judge u by ur appearance are not at all worth to stay in your life. There will be very few people out there who will like us along with our imperfections. When u meet such kind of people don’t let them out of your life. I know it is hard and it takes lot of time to meet such people but it is worth it. They will change ur life and it is just like magic.
Also I highly appreciate that u r hard working and are using your abilities. Very few people can do that. Don’t lose your focus. One day u will be in a very high position and those who ignored u will come after you.
Also, please don’t have suicidal thoughts. Well many people think dying is the solution. But what if the plan goes wrong and u survive with irreparable injuries? It is worse than death. Also we don’t know what happens after our death. You may have a better or worst next life. Just take a minute and think what would be the condition of those who love you if u commit suicide. Be in their shoes and think for a minute.
Money comes and goes in your life. As I observed I think u really work hard. Hardwork never goes waste. I’m. Sure one day you will be as rich as you dreamt of. Just focus on your hard work.
Well being born with a skill isn’t as great as acquiring it. Harwork is something which we acquire with practice.
I relate to you so much. Only god knows how much will power I’ve spent just to comment to your post. Although I wanted to share how bad my life was and is now, I decide to give you the method I’ve learnt recently that gives me hope in improving my life from now on, hope it will help you too: “Do small good things everyday and appreciate yourself for doing them.”.
Even if it’s just two pushups in the morning, 1 minute of meditation, taking a shoulder, etc. do them and celebrate that you can accomplish something useful everyday.