I never started doubting my faith until I was around twelve years old.
I was enrolled in Christian schools and am enrolled in one now. I would have to read out verses in a room, even though I couldn’t understand them much. I was at a gullible age: five to six years old. I believed anything.
Then, I was enrolled into secondary school. I began to question why God never helped the poor or the needy, and why we never saw Him. I believed in Adam and Eve and evolution. I believed in the six days of creation and the Big Bang Theory. Nothing added up.
And if it couldn’t get more confusing, I began to question my sexual orientation.
I developed a crush on my classmate when I was in Form 2 and tried to shake it off. It didn’t work. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I couldn’t stop feeling attached to her. Sometimes, I would cry due to the realization that she would never feel the same way.
When I came out to family, they were stunned. My siblings were alright with it and weren’t fazed. But my mother and my father were different. My father isn’t a Christian, but my mother is. Despite their differences in faith, they both were traditional in values.
They immediately thought of it as a phase and believed that I would soon become straight as everyone else. They still think that way.
My sister was angry at me for coming out so early. She advised me to come out later, when she could get her own job, in case they threw me out. I was lucky.
Then, my faith ate me up. I support same sex marriages and relationships, as well as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans-gender rights in general (including the plus sign for asexual people, etc), and I never knew that people thought it was a choice. Even in the past, when I didn’t know much about same sex rights. When I heard about some Christians being completely against them, I was shocked and hurt.
When I was alone with my mother, I asked her if God hated me, and cried. She paused for a while, then told me that He loved everyone, no matter what their sins are. To have heard that same sex love is considered a sin made me terrified.
Later on, I asked her if she would let me marry a woman in the future. When she said no, I cried again. I was afraid that my sexuality would detach me from my family.
I’m still figuring things out, and I’m still doubting my faith.
(I had to add a dash to trans-gender as the website doesn’t recognize it otherwise)