After an abusive relationship I ran and hid online. I created a fake person, copied pictures from a random account. I made myself ten years younger, all in an effort to erase my past and the damage I took.
In the beginning, it was fine. I met people, had fun, nothing serious. But then I met Karen. We clicked instantly from the moment we started speaking. She supported me, made me laugh until my side’s ached, made my heart ache.
I fell harder than I ever had fallen before. So much so, that I lost myself in this persona I had, just to be able to keep talking to her. I even made my voice sound different when we talked on the phone.
It continued for 7 months and then she really started pushing me for FaceTime and my heart was like a rock in my stomach all the time.
I didn’t know how to come clean and lose someone who felt like they were the air in my lungs. I put it off and put it off until I finally told her. Told her the little brother I cared for was my son, told her I wasn’t a virgin and wasn’t Hispanic. I told her the truth, sent her my real picture. She called and got my actual name, I answered a few basic questions and that was it. She was done. I tried to contact her to get her to listen to my full story, the why and the how instead of just the way, but she wasn’t interested and now I’m more devastated than I was to begin with.
I have trouble eating and am not sleeping well. Every moment I’m looking at things and wishing I could share them with her. Wishing I could hear her laugh so hard no noise comes out again. I crushed my own heart with my lies and I don’t know what to do from here. I will miss her and our connection for the rest of my life.