You’ve probably all heard this before, already and you can call it bullshit, it won’t hurt my feelings. Anyway, I’m a guy (17 in June) but since a young age I always thought that I would rather be a girl. It was often just a fleeting thought though, and I always dismissed it. But recently it’s gotten worse, and I guess I’ve forced myself into a corner with these thoughts and every day I just feel depressed. At this point I enjoy hurting myself, I hate myself.
I’m everything my parents and family don’t want me to be. So, I hide, I live most my life at night now, a time when I can be free for a little. But this hasn’t been working very well lately, my parents hate that I stay up late. And my mother has begun to really crack down on me staying up late. Her reason for this isn’t because I’m doing bad in school (I’m not), it’s because she believes that keeping a messed-up sleep schedule is bad (I don’t disagree). Sometimes she even wakes up late at night just to get me to go to bed; so, I now live with eyes on the back of my head so that I NEVER get caught. Because if I did that would be the end of my life. I don’t think I would be able to go on.
My family is a strictly Christian one, but I have come out to them and flat out told them I don’t believe and that I am an agnostic atheist. Admittedly probably the dumbest thing I have ever done as it has only caused more harm than good. But it was a step forward for me mentally as I hate living a double life, it kills me. However, it hasn’t fixed much as I still live a double life. In the day I try to be everything my parents want me to be, but at night I do what I feel is right— though it may very well be wrong. And as hard as it is for me to admit, I am just confused. Sexually, religiously, and just in every other way possible. Half of me just wants to do what is “right” in my parent’s eyes and do them rightly, but the other half of me, what I like to call “my darker half” just wants to do what I feel is “right”.
And now the few things that keep me going are my family which are the only people I know, my games, movies, anime, and my art (which is shit). Games, movies, anime, and art are all I have. They are my escapes, but even then, I have to hide when I indulge in these escapes as my parents would not approve of the things I watch and draw. I watch things my parents would despise me for watching, and I draw things my parents would hate me for drawing. It’s at the point where I keep two art blogs, one where I post everything my parents would not condemn me for and one where I post everything else… I’ve told my parents I want to become an artist and they fully support me in that, though they don’t know I draw more than the art they see. One of the bigger things I still look forward to in life is becoming a successful artist, and my parents are extremely supportive. They’ve even given me the opportunity to have a break year this coming school year before I go to college since I’m graduating high school one year early. In this break year I’ll be completely focusing on art, something I really am looking forward to. But despite all of these positive things I still somehow feel lost, and depressed. I guess I am just weak, after all I have tried to take the easy way out three times before. But every time I think back to those moments I despise myself for even trying.
I love my family, and my brother is the closest person to me in the world. He is someone I can talk to about religion and discuss our different viewpoints, however he has now gone off to college so it’s hard to talk to him. And I can never tell him about me wanting to be a girl. That would just ruin everything, he would never be able to accept that. I don’t know if I would even be able to accept myself if I did that. And the thing is, my parents probably wouldn’t even kick me out if I came out to them. But I know they would not tolerate it, and it would kill me to be rejected. Rejected by the only people in this world that I care about.
I don’t know why I’m posting this, I don’t know what I hope to get out of it. But I know I don’t want pity, and I don’t want attention. I just need help. My life is going to shit and… I hate me.