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I wish almost every day that I was small and innocent again

Every day I work hard to get good grades and be responsible, and I do get good grades I am as responsible as I can be and yet I don’t feel a sense of completion or happiness.

When I was younger my parents got divorced and well at the time it didn’t affect my emotional state greatly until later. I was too young to understand and all I thought was that they will live in separate houses. I didn’t understand, but know my past keeps coming back to me and affecting me.

I wish almost every day that I was small and innocent again when I couldn’t understand feeling trapped. But as I grew my sisters were my best friends but they would leave me, and I was younger, and they were older so they left me thinking it didn’t affect me so much as it did. I wasn’t allowed to hang with the big girls even though I was treated like one, my parents compared me to my sisters that are 6 years older me giving the same emotional weight.

It was hard, and they had their own divorce problems so they didn’t pay attention to how my sisters treated me. I felt left behind and when I moved from Arizona to Seattle it got worse. I noticed that my sisters are kind of immature emotionally, so I had to be the bigger person in every fight. And my sisters don’t have the best relationship with my dad with the divorce, so when he gets drunk and mad I have to be the one who diffuses the situation because if I don’t everything would fall apart and on top of that I have school and grades.

Feeling insecure because I am not pretty or popular. I don’t have many friends that support me, the only friend who was there for me was my cousin and I moved away from her, I was alone and I still feel alone. I feel like I am drowning and not even my parents will hear me and even if I show my parents this they can’t do anything they have their own problems, I am surrounded with school, lack of sleep, gaining weight, acne, my period, my family, people around me judging me, and my insecurities that close in on me.

I don’t know how long I will last before passing out or something. Although I have many issues I know I should be grateful for having a roof over my head and having parents in general, but no matter how hard I try I always go back to feeling trapped and empty.

I try to look forward to the future but the past and present keeps on beating me until I am crippled and can’t walk towards the future. I try so hard but I end up with nothing, I keep telling myself that I am doing this for the future but the future is so foggy I can’t tell if it’s there or not. Sometimes I lose my cool at school but then I tell myself smile and laugh even if you have to fake and force it. I hide myself because even if I show my sadness regret and depression, people with think I am being an emotional teenager, edgy, or just craving attention. And those who won’t think that they can’t do anything for me, and I don’t want people to take pity on me. I can’t tell anyone about my feeling and I just have to wait for a miracle or a person who can help me through it.

But I know that will take quite a while so again I have to wait and keep myself above water even though I know that’s impossible, I look forward to the little things and work hard to deserve them so I am not spoiled. I want to be happy and grateful so bad but even if I have a little happiness a day it ends up with me staring off wondering if it’s worth it, I wish I was more important, so I know I am making a difference, I try to be nice. But it’s so hard, and even if I make the smallest mistake my family and friends, mostly my family, they point it out and tell me I am a bad child, or I should be sent away to boarding schools because I need to learn manners and gratefulness or that I am a horrible and overly emotional person. I can’t mess up so now all I pray for is strength, please I need strength I need it so bad, I need something, I need a miracle.

One Comment

  1. Hey. Being emotional and taking pride in being that is the greatest strength of all. I felt the same way. I wanted to hide from people that I am emotional or I have problems because of the fear of appearing weak. But what this hiding did to me was it made me more vulnerable and weak from within because I was hiding my true self. I saw and met a couple of people who were as emotional as I was and I knew it because they displayed it and took pride in it. In front of them I looked weak and pathetic not because I am emotional but because I am not accepting myself for who I really am. But I am a learner I observed and learnt. I have in the past year become so much more open about the fact that yes I feel sad, depressed and weak somethimes but who doesn’t right!! It makes me feel so much better about myself and I swear it is really empowering. I still have a long road ahead to travel and conquer but realising that has helped me come a long way.

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