I remember the day as a kid when I was with my friends and I went in an empty kitchen for some biscuits, little far from where my friends were sitting. I had to stand on a shelf to get those biscuits and I did. He came inside and removed my pants and inserted his thing inside. That was really painful, and I ended up shouting followed by crying. My friends were interested to know why I was crying and my uncle said that it was because he ate my biscuits and I completely supported that reasoning. Maybe, I was used to this behaviour and I didn’t want to tell the truth to not to make him sad or feel guilty. I also observed some blood in my stool after this. I also recall that there was a boy, my cousin, who used to take me to the backside of a damaged wall to do the same things which I think he learned from the same uncle. But I don’t think he reached his puberty at that time and doing such things with him was not painful because he was not fully matured to cause any pain. He used to treat me like his girlfriend. I used to like staying with him.
I remember the day when I was crying because of a fight with someone and my uncle came to stop me crying and took me to his place and abused me. I guess that was the first time he abused me. I was very small to be sure about it. He also used to ask me if I am liking this. I used to feel pain all the times, but I never used to tell him that I disliked. Maybe, it would be as if I am not obeying him. I used to like when my uncle used to do things on my front side and used to kiss me. I always wanted him to kiss me (or treat softly like a girl) and do from the front as that was not painful, in comparison to the other side. I also liked the same with the boy who used to treat me as a girl. Maybe, these incidents in addition to watching TV and movies made me portray myself as a girl. The younger you are, the stronger the emotions or feelings would be with time. This is because at this stage a child starts building his/her schema by learning from surroundings. Maybe, I started learning to be a girl who is handled very softly, treated specially. I also used to wear girl’s clothes and these experiences would have completely aided in building up my feelings to be a girl.
As a result of all such experiences, today, I feel attracted to men. I also loved one of my friends who used to stay close to me. But, I have never explained my feelings to anyone so far as the culture around me is not that open to bring out such things. But, I keep telling myself to be strong. I feel that God feels sad if I am sad and he feels happy when I am happy. I have got everything to be happy in my life. Maybe, this is something different. Also, love is a pure and happy feeling and should not be the cause of pain ever. I have started fantasizing my boyfriend as a TV actor, Nandish Sandhu. Generally, I imagine him with me in a metro train where he holds my hands in front of everyone and dances with me. Whenever I feel hurt I imagine that TV actor as my true boyfriend who is always there with me and always cares for me. But, even in my fantasy and imagination, he is not with me and we are in continuous search for each other. We just interact with each other in thoughts, imagination, and fantasy. This feeling gives me relief and I really hope to meet someone like him sometime soon. Now, the question is whether should I change my emotional schema which I developed through my childhood? Or, should I continue preserving my feelings of a girl and hope to meet someone soon.