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I treated the opposite sex to get what I wanted and used drugs as an excuse

So, I am lying in bed right now and spending way too much time thinking about all things that could go wrong at work tomorrow. I’m trying to put some strategies into place so that I can predict how the outcome of my day at work. It’s always 50/50 and no matter how hard I plan, I never manage to go an entire week feeling happy at work.

So, first things, first…I am a male of Indian descent, 29 years of age and engaged to my soul mate. I try my best to live my following my moral compass and at times I wonder whether or not my morality is what may be causing all these uneasy and negative feelings. This built up anxiety I experience, for no reason at time, makes me think long and hard about the decisions I have made in my life, whether it be experimenting with drugs to have a good time or trying to find enlightenment through psychedelics.

How I treated the opposite sex to get what I wanted and used drugs as an excuse. Being rebellious and going against most things my parents tried to instil in me, just led me to a lonely path where I gave up my heritage in order to find my true self. Suffering from identity crisis must surely be a major reason for my current obsession for being a nice guy and trying to make up for a past I look back in regret.

Now I know that we should never have any regrets and forget the past, but when you spend each and every night pondering about whether your life actually adds meaning to the world and especially your loved ones, it’s hard convincing yourself that you are a Good person.

So thinking about how my day will go tomorrow, I picture myself waking up feeling lethargic and picking up my mate before we both head on to work and hoping we clock in before 6am. I then end up greeting whoever may be in and immediately jump into work trying to be a team player and do my part. Slowly but surely the office starts to fill up and I sink into my chair trying to be productive while some have this natural way of just coasting through the day with no regard or any sense of urgency to attend to their work.

A feeling of envy comes over me and I try to distract them by focusing on work.

I take some time to send my fiancé a message to say I’m at work and hope she has an amazing day and that I love her.

Sending that message is one, if not the only, reassurance that I must have done something right. I think of her and our future and it reminds me that no matter what, I need to do my best to be a man she is proud to call her husband and a role model to our future kids, God willing we are blessed to have one day.

As time goes by, I try to slowly engage with my colleagues and assist where needed, also offering some compliments and motivational words.

For some reason, I get lost in the background noise and I’m feeling all alone again, the anxiety creeps up and staring at the time wishing for this work day to be over.

Even though I feel as if I should be allowed to show frustration, I try my best to put on a smile and be a team player.

Slowly throughout the day, I start to hear complaints by my colleagues, and as much as I try to help, I keep thinking in the back of my mind how selfish they are. But I would never say this to them, I’m too afraid that I will offend one of them or worse ruin their day. If only I was offered the same consideration, is what I always think to myself.

I wish I was brave and honest enough to speak out and at the same time not against my moral compass.

I just needed to get some off this off my chest. I could go on and on for hours, but I need to be up and ready to clock in.

Peace. A.P

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