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They would call me ugly and black

It all started when I was younger. I remember my brother and his friends would come to the house and tare me down. They would call me ugly and black. They would talk about my appearance, my skin, my features, and they teared me down. The only reason it teared me down so much was because I was so young, my brain was developing I was about 10 when It started as I remembered, and it got worse over the years.

I remembered I became different I used to be an outgoing child made friends easily by being social but when I heard what my own family was saying it broke me down and I shut down. I remember wondering why my mother was never defending me. I had a sister and she was not going through this, so I remember knowing that I was the only ugly child.

It became the worse when I was in the 6th grade I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember sitting in the living room with my siblings and my mother was sitting there we were all laughing about something and then my mother said I was the ugliest child she had. I remember becoming to numb. I didn’t show that I cared about what she said and ignored her. A few minutes later I remember going to the bathroom and crying my eyes out I wiped my face after and left the bathroom that night I cried for hours and hours and from that day own I was broken.

Omg I remember the amount of nights I cried for years I would literally fall asleep because I was tired of crying. I was so broken and lost I begged god that I died when I was younger, so I didn’t feel the pain. I became anti-social from that point on and never had a social life of course I really couldn’t have a social life because I was not allowed to go out with friends but as I grew up I just got used to it, so I didn’t want to go anywhere.

I felt so ugly and worthless every day of my life. as the years went on my mother would just break me down more saying I was good at nothing and she should have left me with my father that abandoned me in Africa. She constantly threw it in my face and that hurt very badly. I knew I was worth nothing and was not good at anything because of what my family said to me mainly my brother and my mother.

As the years went on and I grew up my brother stopped he was busy living his life and was hardly home, but my mother still went on and kicked me out of the house multiple times to move into my grandmother’s house. I remember this one day my sister did something where she went online and had pictures of herself with pants and stomach showing she got mad and was yelling at her and she turns to me when the argument fades and says to me your sister doing this is not as bad if you did this.

She said you are good at nothing if you started showing your body online I would ship you to Africa or throw you outside. she said I have love for your sister she is good at everything but you being bad at everything you do I would have thrown you out so don’t ever try it. This was a situation that had nothing to do with me, but she found a way to tare me down once again I cried myself to sleep that night. Over the year I remember praying to god that I died, or she would because I was going crazy. Imagine because mentally abused and broken down as a child and it continues still this day it continues.

One other reason I would always get kicked out was because I didn’t give her money. The real reason was I hated her and did not want a person who ruined my life to get money from me. something they would say is she raised me, and she is my mother and I have to give her money, but I wished she was never my mother I wished for years I was not born or I died when I was younger, and I was sick.

For years I wished this because I didn’t see my worth how can you when the people that are your family make you feel like shit. I remember the first time I looked into plastic surgery because I hated my appearance. I first got my top lip filled than got my chin down got a chin implant than got my bottom lip reduced than got under eye fillers than got my forehead and hairline lowered and then got jawline filled and got braces.

Within 3 years if I remember correctly those are the procedures and surgeries I got done. I still didn’t like the way I looked so I knew it was not my looks that I remembered that day I looked online and was reading about depression and knew I had it than later on realized I may also have bipolar I was never diagnosed but I knew I had mental illness from all the mental abuse I went through and at a young age. I knew that my physical had nothing to do with it was all mental so I decided January 2018 it was going to be a new year of course it’s not that easy I had a lot of setback due to my bipolar one second I am ok than the next second I am miserable throughout the day I would go through this up and down I knew something was wrong and then my depression didn’t make it easy.

Throughout my life I became suicidal and looked into killing myself 4 times on time all times where my bipolar symptoms and depression where at the worse. One of the times was when my grandmother passed away I asked why it wasn’t me why take someone everyone loves and who was amazing why not take someone who wanted to die who was worthless and bad at everything and who was not loved her family. I went crazy I remember turning around the bed I was itching moving around the room pulling my hair crying hitting myself pasting myself back and forth I went crazy.

I remember another time was when I was making progress in myself love and confidence journey than my mind clicked and felt like then things my family members where saying about me replayed in my head I became depressed and suicidal again I was in the room crying pasting back and forth I remember tying this string on the bunkbed I was in and trying to choke myself and it was painful and tried to stick through the pain than I just stopped. Another time I looked into killing myself was over dosing on pain medication I took 2 regular pills and swallowed it and took a handful and got water and put it down and cried myself to sleep. There is a lot more to my story of course I can’t talk about every single thing that would take years, but this is how I became depressed and my mental illness story.

I wake up every day now and tell myself that I am beautiful inside and out and the only mistake made was the family that I had but nothing about me is a mistake I wished I never got anything done only teeth cause I really didn’t like teeth crocked but other than that I wished I didn’t change nothing to please a bunch of horrible people that would take a child’s happiness away from them. I forgive them because I am on the road to loving myself every day, but I will never forget the damage they caused. It always shows me how to not raise a child when I have kids if I do one day inshallah I will never ever treat my kids the way I have been treated if I have one or 2 or more kids they will all be treated with love care and most of all positive, happy, uplifting and they will all be treated the same and treat all them better than good.

I am 23 years old and to this day what happened to me as a child affects me but of course I am getting stronger and loving myself more every day. This past month I have been staying with my grandmother and she talks about I am dark and ugly and talks about my teeth and says I look horrible, but I am used to this coming from my family that I learned to block it because I refuse to let them win in my life. My grandmother also has been saying the same thing my mother was saying she said that I am good at nothing and she don’t know why I am here and I am not going to lie I shed a tear when she said that, but I cried not because I believed what she said but I cried because of how strong I am.

I have gone through a lot in my life when it comes to family, but I still continue to forgive them and move on. I continue to laugh and let them say what they want to say I just sit back and realized that I was given a family that teared and broken me down, but I am still living and continue to go on myself love journey. All this has made me strong instead of looking at myself as a victim I can just go out in the world and do my best to live my best life. I will never forget how this family broke me, but I also will never forget how strong I am. I absolutely love myself and don’t have to change anything about myself for them and I choose to ignore their hateful comments and live my best life because I deserve it. Also, a little note to myself I am worth a lot, I am good at a lot of things, I am beautiful inside and out. I am glad I didn’t kill myself because I am on this earth because god put me here and I have a purpose.

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