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She said to respect him even if I hated his guts

I hope most people won’t judge me for my question I asked… I just wanted to get others opinion on how I can help coup with deal with my mom’s boyfriend, and my mom. My mom tells me I’m very emotional and the worse one out of my siblings for my ‘teen faze’ before I was a teen.

I find that most teens I know don’t respect their parental figures and there would be no reason not to. The reason I don’t want to talk to my mom’s boyfriend is because he assaulted my sister leaving a bruise and has broken things in a rage and many more. My mom tells me I still have to respect him even though he does stupid things over little issues. She said to respect him even if I hated his guts. None of my siblings like him but my mom still is with him. I haven’t talked to him for a year for what he’s done…. (I know its immature of me, but I feel like if I did then I would break down or feel merely wrong against myself after everything he’s done).

My mom would even make me hug him when I was younger, and I would feel very uncomfortable and I would tell my mom, but she wouldn’t care.

And for my mom she constantly insults me and if I try to say for her not to insult me and calmly tell me what the issue is without insulting me she’ll start yelling more. Once I told her I felt uncomfortable with her trying to talk behind my siblings back, so she started yelling at me and smacked me in the car. Instantly I started crying and she called me ’emotional brat’. Till this day I feel like crying when someone yells at me, but I’ve always felt like that.

She told me today that I had to respect her and not walk away when I got ‘mad’ (but I never get mad, at least I don’t think I do, maybe I do but I don’t hurt others for it) So, I told her trying to make her be reasonable, saying that I only walk away is because she would start yelling at me and constantly insulting me… / I could say nothing back to make her stop being mean to me. (I feel like I would break down if I kept hearing screaming) I never swear/insult/or have attitude to my siblings or my mom. so, I don’t understand why?

Honestly, I feel like I’m going to break down one day because I’m such a stupid, ugly, emotional person.

To coup right now of my feelings I try to watch anime, read, draw, write but that would be when I have these sudden attacks when I feel like I was worthless person in the middle of the night. It feels like this never works. (I have become better at writing and making art in the processes though).

My eldest sister in my opinion is having a hard time dealing with her own emotions to.

I don’t have many friends to tell my feelings to, and I have thought about telling someone that I feel like breaking down. I feel like I would only burden them, or they would laugh saying that they’ve been through worse. I constantly criticize myself saying no one would want to be my friend and I keep fighting with these inner thoughts, but they keep come back. I feel like no one cares at school. I even tried going to a guidance about my concerns but in the end, I was too scared of me falling apart looking into someone’s eyes. I’m a coward to not try and stop these thoughts from taking over me.

I wonder why I can’t keep these emotions, maybe it’s because I bottle them up because I’m scared that people would hate me even more…

Last time I tried writing online someone wrote ‘no one cares’ so I’m still hesitating to write now. Please don’t hate me for expressing my deepest emotions.

I just want to stop caring, or at least coup with all of my feelings.

Without telling anyone….

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