I’m angry at the world, does it show? I guess not, thank God. I’m ripping my hair out, don’t know how to feel, is it even real, I hope not. One day I’m totally fine, the next I’m crying on the bedroom floor. I’m tired of the pain, the discourage, my mother gives me when she looks me in the eyes. I know I’m not the best, I never will be. Why does my heart feel like it’s going out? I’m not even 16 but I’m already feeling the pain of a boy.
I’m crying on the front porch trying not to care anymore. There’s a lot of stuff I can take for the pain but I choose not to, because I truly believe it wouldn’t help. The sweet pills that give you joy and make you sleepy or the depressing conversations with adults. I’m not saying to give up on me but don’t try too hard. I’m only one person and that’s all.
Don’t force me to be someone I’m not because I never will be that person you want me to be I’m not perfect specially then but I’m myself and I’ll always be myself. I’m not some depressed little girl who cries over guys. I’m a young lady who doesn’t know what to do with her life who always second-guesses things or over analyse everything and block out people who always hurt me inside. To keep others away who never know how to start a conversation by saying hey who never knows how to tell someone how you really feel.
People think this is depression and sadness and loneliness which is kind of true but I’m really just silent. Silent is the word I would use to describe myself because when I think of silence I think of Pitch Black you’re not boxed in but it feels like you are, you scream for help and no one helps you. In my dreams at night, I don’t think of well I don’t dream of rainbows and unicorns or kissing my boyfriend or saving the day my dreams usually end of death or loss none of other people but my death or is loneliness and some of my dreams I help people.
I saved the day and Ballistic time, but I never end up with a guy or make new friends, I just help people and then after I help them I get ignored, bullied, attacked. So, I always feel lonely in my dreams and I try not to open up to people because I feel like they’re not interested in knowing me and if they did don’t tell me that I’m just depressed and will feel better after taking pain meds or counselling which wouldn’t help me at all because nothing’s wrong with me.
I was just a person born who thinks and analyses every detail and emotion in the human form….