I want to say that I feel numb
But numb isn’t a feeling

I want to say I can get over this
But I’m within it, I am it

I haven’t stopped crying, my throats become dry, my eyes are sore and red
The rhythm of my breathing has become laboured and on edge
Whenever I stop there’s a sharp pain in my chest, kicking my stomach off a cliff

I am trapped
Where do I go
What do I do
My mind is so stuck that I am going nowhere, repeating my depressive motions, and creating a vicious cycle of hurt.
Nothing can distract me
Nothing will relieve the agony
Because right now nothing changes the past, the facts

I will always be me
I don’t change despite the consequences my actions have brought
Each one consolidating the next
I’m starting to lose fight and let go
If I accept that this is who I am, then I won’t be conflicted anymore
Not everyone is a good person

I want to say time will heal
But time just creates more opportunity for rumination
It allows space for me to stuff up again
It prolongs the suffering within me

I don’t know how to fix this
To move on doesn’t erase the past
I deserve this

But I’m too weak to end things once and for all
My body only gets so far under physical harm before it stops me
I am stuck now
I can’t live this way, but I can’t die either
I’m defeated but it hasn’t changed anything

What do I do except go numb
Just surrender to my heavy emotions and go blank
Why should I care anymore
Why should I bother
Because nothing matters anymore

I can’t do wrong if I don’t do anything at all
So I’m limp
I’m walking, I’m surviving, I’m merely existing
But I’m not there anymore