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I love you mum

I’ll write this in English, even if it’s not my native language, because I feel that it’s easier for me to express myself in English. You can say it’s my chosen language.

So, today is a hard day for me, it will always be. Already three years have passed since you left me. Some might say that ‘to leave’ is not the correct verb, since you’re still always with me, though not physically, and you live on in my heart. Well, of course you do live on in my heart and my memory, but, let me be honest, I can’t feel your presence. You promised me you’d be there even if I couldn’t see you, but I can’t feel it, maybe I don’t believe enough or maybe I’ve tried too hard to see you in the people around me or to feel your closeness and it doesn’t really work like that.

I really wish I could still feel some sort of connection, it hurts not to, knowing that we were so close before. I’m tearing up right now, I miss you so much. Even when I’m having fun, even when I’m smiling, even when no one suspects that I’m thinking of you. I always feel an emptiness. Sometimes it is so heavy, and I can’t lift that weight off my heart, sometimes I get mad cause what happened to us was just so unfair. You were too young to become ill and I was too young to lose you. I’m still young, 24, but I feel like I’ve grown so much older in these past years. Somehow, I have gained a new sensitivity, deeper insights, I’m less superficial, more mature. But who wants to grow up like that?

But, on a brighter tone, mum, I have some good news as well. For the first time in three years I have done something fulfilling, something that was not related to my studies and academic duties.

My experience as a leader in M. with XX, looking after teenage kids, has been so rewarding and empowering. It’s been two tiring weeks, I’ve given all of myself to make sure the kids were safe and having fun, but all the responsibilities made me feel like I could do anything. And what I did was important, the kids and the staff appreciated my work. Everyone was so nice, I met so many cool people. And, most importantly, I chose to do it and how to do it. I didn’t do it like a robot, as often happened when I was studying for my exams at uni. I put my body and soul into this job. Last year I did something similar in B. , which was nice too, but I can’t compare it to my experience in M.

Last year I wasn’t ready yet, I was very stressed and didn’t really enjoy myself. Now, this year, I’m not saying that I’ve healed, because I will never heal from losing you… it’s just that maybe, for the first time, I’ve started really enjoying something again, I’ve started living again. And it felt good. I felt good, I felt strong and positive. Now, I’m home with a bronchitis and I’m not feeling so great anymore, but, man, it was worth it!

Now I know that I was not made to spend my life in one place, I feel like traveling again. For the first time I enjoyed an experience abroad again, and it didn’t feel like something I was forcing myself to do. I would really like to work for XX in the future. The staff are great, and I loved spending time with the kids. The working environment is so enriching, and everyone is super friendly and nice.

So, even though I still need to write my thesis and don’t know exactly what’s coming next, I found a part of myself back, that I thought I had lost forever. I found my passion for seeing the world back, my passion for meeting new people.

Love you mum, keep watching over me. Even if I don’t see you or feel you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not there, right? Maybe one day it will be different, and I will feel you close again. But don’t worry, in the end I will be fine.

Today, a friend posted an inspiring quote on Instagram which is kind of a self-reminder and goes like this:
You’re still young and you’re not supposed to have your whole life figured out yet. Don’t stress. Everything will work out.

I’ll try to live by this quote and make the most out of this life, for you, for myself, to make you proud and to make myself proud.

And to whoever has come across this and is going through some really bad times, keep strong. Life is not easy, but there are and will be things worth living for and worth enjoying. Hugs to all.


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