I am not mentally ok. I hate myself every day. I hate the way I look, and I hate the way I feel. Everyday I wake up and look in the mirror and hate every piece of fat on my body. But then I come home at night and I eat.
Why do I do this? Because I’m mentally ill. I hate going to see the psychiatrist and I want to be off this antidepressant because I want to be normal. But I’m not normal. I’m fucking stupid.
Every day at work I’m fucking stupid. I make stupid mistakes that I can’t control. My brain doesn’t work like a normal person and I hate myself for it. People at work look at me like I’m stupid because I am. I’m fucking dumb and I love my job, but I hate going to work and letting everyone see how fucking stupid I am.
I hate wearing clothes and going in public and letting people see my fat and cellulite. But I can’t stop binge eating. I hate that I’m a boring person. I hate that I have no hobbies. I hate that I have no interests.
Why do I sit in my room all day? Why don’t I work out or play a sport or go to an art class or be social with friends? I’m a piece of shit person. I hate everything about myself. I want to die. I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up ever again.
I feel like a waste of a person. I could be a happy person but I’m not. I don’t benefit anyone’s life. This is never going to go away. I will never feel normal or happy. I don’t want to live my life being unhappy and I know I will. I can’t have kids because they’re going to be fucked up like me.
But all I want is to be a mom one day. I pretend every day. I joke around and pretend to be happy but inside I have so many thoughts on why I said what I just said and how much I hate myself. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be in a peaceful place where I can just be. I wish that I died in my car accident. It would have been an easier way out.