Use “I” statements that show how their actions have affected you, without blaming them. For example, if they’re constantly blowing you off for other things, you could say something like, “When you prioritize other things above our relationship, I feel frustrated and unappreciated. I decided I can’t tolerate that anymore.” This is how he must feel about my actions.
I prioritize myself and my wants before our relationship. I cannot change this. Examples: If I am in a cleaning mood, I will not stop cleaning until it is done. Why do I not see the limit and accept it? Am I not willing because I don’t know if I am happy with the issues and do not see or feel a reason to stop? Do I have a disorder? Are other girlfriends so willing to place a cap on things and focus easily on the boyfriends? Is it possible that I could be willing to do these things for someone else? If we broke up, it would be the worst kind of breakup.
One where no one is at fault. No blame, no real assault; just two broken hearts, maybe one more than the other. I love Luke, I do but, if I am being honest, only in pieces. Not a 10 piece puzzle that is made up of large pieces to quickly make a whole. But a 400 piece puzzle that has been steadily and incrementally been pieced together. Not really sure I could put a 400 pc puzzle together. Is this typically how things go in long-term relationships?
Right now I am most upset about Luke’s cleaning habits. I have not made too many personal and internal stipulations in what I want from a man in a relationship. One I set after my first boyfriend is that I wanted a man who felt equally in a clean environment as I did.
Right now, of the relationships I know of, the men seem to do a part in a daily keeping of the household. Brad, Steve, Phil and Eric have a large part in their house being clean or cooking meals. I have been off from work for a month and a half. Luke has done 2 complete loads of laundry and the loads weren’t household loads. They were what Luke needed soon loads or majority his clothes period. Unloaded the dishwasher maybe twice and has not loaded it yet. It’s never a solo job of unloading the DW and loading it back up. He does not clean his side bathroom.
To this day, Luke has never cleaned his shower; we have lived here 2 years. Does not clean up after the animals. Does not sweep, mop or vacuum. Luke does make the effort to keep the lawn nice. That doesn’t come easily or that nicely (doesn’t always weed whack. Blows through the process as fast as possible.) I hate hate hate to care so much about how clean things should be and how it disrupts my mood with such power. I think I wouldn’t care so much if I didn’t feel I was alone at it. I pay 50% of everything. That is a responsibility of mine. It is a part of how this relationship functions well.
We are both working individuals and can afford what is comfortable to us, together. Bills take both people. House chores may seem stupid and not worth breaking up over but chores alone take up all my time and energy. I do not get paid to do all the crap it takes every day to keep a house. I can tell that this does not mean the same to Luke as it does me. And I don’t think I can take that for much longer. I need him to make the effort to take out the trash, pick up the dirty clothes, take dirty dishes to the sink, clean the poop and pee off his toilet. I know this will not happen. He is too focused on his own world inside his phone.
I realize that much of my resentment towards Luke stems from me being at home and not having a job. But, I felt this way a year ago. Right now tensions are up bc I don’t have a job (mainly related to my own mental stability and resources to blow my steam off). When I have a job, we will have a cleaning service for our home and I will know it is bc Luke is lazy and doesn’t care about much outside his minds focus on sexual desires. I force myself to have sex with him 3 days a week and I am not able to fill his void.
So, not only am I uncomfortable with having sex with him because I’m not sexually attracted to him, but the efforts I do make are not enough. Right now, I have opened up to having another girl in our bed, for him to have sex with another girl. I am acting like I really want to do this. Right now, my fiancée has a Tinder account of his own so that he can find a girl or couple to swing with us. Luke talks daily to different ladies on tinder.
From what I have gone on and read (on my own, not Luke sitting by me and sharing what he is saying) his messages are pretty neutral and seemingly trustworthy. It just doesn’t feel right for my heart that this is what it takes. Maybe I got myself into this position. I do this just to make him feel like his needs are met. How fucked up is that? Is that a sign of love from me to him? What I am willing to sacrifice to make sure he is happy too? These are also just the really bad aspects of our relationship. Let’s talk about all the good things that keep us going: he truly loves me, wants to see me happy, supportive to many of my needs and wants, wants to be around me all the time, would make an excellent father, smart, driven, good family, good taste in many things, educated, not ugly, cares about personal hygiene, he physically pays the bills, thinks I am beautiful, goes to things he doesn’t want to go to (that has a drawback tho; he doesn’t like hanging out with people of my world, I have to pay half no matter what, doesn’t want to be out long, complains after we leave) and he loves animals, funny, we like to play Mario kart and golf together and he is not too picky.
I am not cup of tea either. I have major depressive disorder and a little selfish too sometimes. I have been complaining a lot here lately. I don’t care for sex. I always try to stick up for other peoples actions if I felt they were done wrong. The part that makes that a character flaw is that I am not loyal to anyone. I should have Luke’s back no matter what. I can be impatient with lack of effectiveness, etc.
I truly feel that another woman could fulfill his wants and needs better than I can. I don’t want to think about that. It is heartbreaking. What I want to know is if we should continue like this or find better. If there is better. Is there better?