Context: I’m 23 years old girls who lives with her parents and brothers.
In the last two years I haven’t worked either study because I’ve been looking for my purpose and passion. I did a university degree of 2 years in personal image consulting and thought that was my calling but my inner self kind of crashed after that when I realized that it wasn’t and that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I went au pairing to London a few months, but the experience wasn’t as expected and that crashed me a bit more. When I came back I realized that for me to get out of my comfort zone and have confidence on myself was a huge problem. I looked for a job and worked for a clothing brand and despite the experience and lessons learned I left because it was a very competitive environment and was affecting me working there. I was always angry and resentful and felt that I wasn’t truly myself.
After that I had to go back to figure out what to do and every time that question popped in my head or someone asked me I felt awful, judged and a failure. So, I kind of insulated myself. I didn’t want to see anyone and feel the judgement in their eyes because I wasn’t doing anything with my life like them… working or studying. And it was hard for me to do something because the fear of failure choosing the right thing to do.
I spent months at home just watching shows and trying my best not to overthink, my mum wasn’t pleased about it but what else could she do.
After a few months I found someone, and he became my boyfriend. He has money, so he would help me out with my expenses and take me travel. Thanks to him I was able to afford going to therapy because no matter how scared I was to find things about myself I felt was the next step. And it changed my life for the better and I grow a lot and got to understand myself much better and start healing the wounds my inner child has.
A year past by and I was living my best life but I was still struggling trying to get clear in my purpose and I’d still avoid talking about it with friends or family because I reflected judgement from their eyes and I considered that they couldn’t understand because tbh is what I felt.
I keep traveling awesome places and reading all these self-help books and seeing myself evolving but feeling stuck at the end.
I don’t have words to express how bad feeling stuck or not enough it is. And I learned during therapy it was all my self-esteem. It made sense I had carried those problems since I was a teenager and always felt that my mum didn’t even care, I remember even considering suicide but the thought of not seeing my little brothers grow killed me, I never did anything because of my love for my brothers. (My biological dad died when I was little so that was a big big part of me I had to work on o heal)
So in the eyes of everyone around me I’d just smile and be like everything was okay. I mastered the art of hiding my feelings since I was a teenager and being always teased about being too sensitive or emotional.
The following months I really did things that took me out of my comfort zone like going back to my birth country and face memories and feeling related to my dad, and it was super hard but for some people it was just me traveling again taking another vacation instead of facing my responsibilities. Nobody couldn’t understand what of a big deal everything that was going on in my mind was for me, how hard I was pushing to move forward and how much I wished things were clear or easier for me to see and do like it was for them.
I don’t want to say that I have anxiety or depression but I do have very hard breakdowns and I feel depressed and anxious.
During the last months I discovered the book THE SECRET which changed my perspective and my life and I’m beyond grateful but the law of attraction or my positive mind shift wasn’t enough.
The searching for my purpose was somehow making me feel empty because I’d just feel like getting into dead ends. Like nothing was changed and that I was still a failure. I knew how to boost my self-esteem to feel better about myself and I completely understand and consciously knew what was going on in my life and what my burdens where and what I had to do. I’ve always known but I just couldn’t get myself to literally move and step forward. Leave my comfort zone without feeling that something horrible would happen because I’d fail.
Funny thing is that for me to see the greatness in others and boos people confidence and advice others to see them grow is an innate talent but doing so to myself was so hard because my subconscious mind would just reject whatever I told. Affirmations wouldn’t work, and I’d feel stuck to the pavement again. Angry to the world and worst hopeless and understood.
I had the support of mostly everyone in my life to do whatever I wanted and I felt that every day I was a disappointment.
In the eyes of friends and family I’m living my best life, not working nor studying just having fun with no purpose or responsibilities just because I don’t want to.
My boyfriend, one of the closest person to me tries his best to understand me and he’s one of my biggest support and all he wants it’s the best for me, but he still doesn’t, it’s just so he can’t, but just being able to have him and open up to him is all I need. Because besides my therapist and more healers/counsellors I’ve found on the way, he’s the only person I feel like talking to because he listens to me and I can see in his eyes that he only want to support me and see me grow, no judgment, pure love.
And thanks to him I’ve learned to love and appreciate myself more than anything.
He’s one of the best things to ever happen to me, the universe sent him to my life at the right time and I’m grateful for having him every second.
Back into my life, this month I went on a trip with bf and my mum randomly sent me a message telling me that when I come back I had to move out and find a place before she packed my things for me and that she wanted me to be independent and she was worried… and that took me by surprise… it hurt my ego to the core and me too because the part of her saying that she thought I wasn’t independent…
Okay I might be still living with my parents and not working or studying but I’m capable to live alone in my own… How could she say that when I’ve raised my brothers, how could she when she decided to live me and my brothers when we were 2/3 years old to come to this country (yeah looking for a better life for us) but I was 2… It felt like she abandoned me and I outgrew that (part of me still resentful), I became stronger and because of it and for sure I’d be able to live in my own and independent.
The thing is that I was already considering doing so but she just assumed I’m not doing anything, living a meaningless life because I fucking enjoy.
I really do think people believe that of me… That my goal in life is to find a rich husband, become a trophy wife and stay home doing nothing.
I’ve never really been too close to her to open up and talk about my life and things. I’ve never felt comfortable doing so, no matter how hard she tried to make me her best friend even though it would annoy m because I didn’t feel the same and she would throw at me that why am I cold with her or why I don’t show affection to her or why am I always hurting her…. which made me distance myself even more. She’s very supportive and trusts me but it’s just that I don’t get to connect in a deep level.
At the beginning of this year I had a massive breakdown and I kind of said the same I’m staying here and that feels like a punch because my mind is trying to make me feel like I’ve been wasting my time again.
So after crying myself out last night I wrote this “essay “about how I feel right know…(yes I like to write, it the easiest way for me to express myself and yes I could consider writing… please save it and don’t tell me, still working on healing the taking compliments part)
Since I was little like a big amount of expectations were put on me from family, and growing I felt that people always expected greatness from me and they keep putting more of their expectations on me which made me scared to my core of failure.
I felt sick thinking how a disappointment I could be for my family.
The pressure of letting people down or disappoint people is been always real. Even just saying no was a big deal for me.
That why I sensed judgmental feelings coming from friends and family when they’re like “why are you not doing anything or why don’t you do this or that?”
Sometimes I just wanted so hard to give up and let everything go downhill or settle down and stop being responsible and creator of my life. Just go with the flow of whatever circumstance I am and just stop caring.
Fuck off everything and everyone.
Doing that could’ve been soooooooo easy, so easy to feel sorry about myself and not do anything to change.
I feel people around me just assume that I’m living the comfortable life, and not doing anything to change my circumstances because I want to remain like this my whole life in this comfort zone forever.
I feel… underestimated and undervalued.
Most think I’m here doing nothing watching tv and chilling 24/7 and that once all of this is over and I have to go back to reality I won’t be able to keep up because I’m a princess now, and can’t broke a nail working…
What they don’t know is how hard is been to me sometimes to compare myself to all my friends and wish I could know what to do as easy as them. How much I wanted to anything looking for approval. To fit in the standards and not being the black sheep anymore. How much I’d love to be working or studying something I loved and how HARD it is to feel unfulfilled and lost and also judged and a failure in the eyes of the society.
Just because I’m not working or studying or working in a clear path.
Why do we value people based on their accomplishments or struggles?
We all struggle and some struggles are more evident than others but that doesn’t mean because we can’t see someone struggling that that person is not going through something.
We judge people and make our own conclusions…
The more the word see you struggle and accomplish the more they value you.
That’s why most people thinking that rich people are bad, that they don’t know how to do anything that everything is easy for them… and judge them but wish they could have the same life.
But what some people don’t stop to think is that there are hidden struggles… fears, anxieties, depressions, low self-esteem, etc… and they’re as though problems as any other.
How many times we’ve seen successful people suicide and wonder why… having such great lives, how could that happen, or that people with anxiety or depression are just weak and use it as an excuse to remain where they are… and all kind of ignorant statements like this.
Nowadays mental health is a problem and some people still choose not to address it or disregard it. Like is something someone comes up with.
Just because we can’t see people struggle that doesn’t mean that they’re not trying their best to become better.
Self-development starts inside and I’ve learned the hard way because I’ve been doing the hard work myself but I feel that nobody appreciates it, nobody can see how far I’ve come.
I’m lucky I have choices and opportunities that I’m living the comfortable life I wished for… not having to work unless I want to or study unless I choose to and being able to afford to do that. And I’m beyond grateful for it.
I travel, I can afford nice things and all of that without having to work in a job I hate or study for the sake of having a degree and make money. (Fuck me)
What am I supposed to do? Feel bad about it?… I don’t think so.
But I’m struggling too. Silently struggling, with self-doubt, self-esteem, fear, self-value, etc… which are not easy things to cope with compared to others struggles and that doesn’t make me less of a person compared to X or Y.
And I feel like if I tell people all I’m going through inside they won’t consider it a real problem or important because they won’t understand it.
That they’ll be like… why don’t you JUST do this or that… making me feel worse because what they don’t get is that is not that I don’t want to but that I think I can’t.
I’ve prayed to stop feeling lost, to go a step further without feeling chained, to step out of my comfort zone and do whatever.
Like most advices I’ve been given… I know I have to do something, anything… I know that if you don’t try something you never know… I know that beginning is not easy… I know that we all are scared… and all kind of life lessons but the only thing I need to scream to the world to understand is that what might take you 1 day may take me a week. I need my own time.
I’d do anything just to be so easily driven to take action like them. Not to have to fight my mind anymore, not to feel unfulfilled or a failure every second I might come up with a new plan.
I know some people out of love try to tell me what to do, because is what worked for them… but tbh that bothers me to my core because it adds pressure on me. And sometimes make me feel that people take me for stupid / incapable which feeds my self-doubting thoughts because I feel I wasn’t capable of doing it since I knew I had to.
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. I’ve studied a lot about goal setting and action taking and much more… I have the knowledge.
But that doesn’t mean anyone understands what’s going on inside me… or how hard it is for me because of what I’m going through to do what you’ve done thousand times so easily.
And I’m not trying to feel sorry about myself or make up excuses to sit down and wait for miracles.
Lying to myself doesn’t work, it’s just that I cannot force things into my life just to make others happy at expenses of my wellbeing; no matter how much someone tell me to do something if I’m not in tune with it, is not going to work and eventually my hurt ego will show up and I’ll have to deal with that too.
Self-esteem and self-confidence are treats we have to nurture constantly and forever. Because they’re essential parts of our engine and they either make us unstoppable or stop us.
Most times I feel people don’t really know me or understand me. Maybe because is so easy for me to sense and instinctively know people that I feel I’ve done such a great job all these years hiding my true self that really almost nobody knows the real me.
I’ve mastered the art of fake smiling and look like I’m alright all the time to avoid having to explain myself because of my assumption of not being understood.
But I guess that If someone really knows me they would know that:
I’m working HARD to overtake all my obstacles and become my best self.
I’m capable of working, studying and both if I want or have to.
I’m driven to be clear about my life purpose and intentions.
Once I start something I believe in I’m unstoppable and I do my very best in accomplishing anything.
I’m ambitious, courageous, hardworking and a fighter.
If you know me you’d know how much work I’ve done in the last two years to clear my path and keep growing, that all I want is to upgrade myself and become my best self, that I have big goals in mind, because I know how capable I am of accomplishing them and that all I dream of is a meaningful life and career, not just settle down for the first thing out of fear, self-doubt, or the money.
Some things I tell myself are that no matter what the situation I’m my biggest supporter, and that me and my dad are very proud of myself.
Because even if people can’t see it in the outside I’ve grown a lot, I’ve defeated many of my fears and every day I try my best to discover something new about myself and my purpose.
I’ve learned not to compare myself with others and that we all have our own rhythm to do things as we follow our unique path. Also that as ironic as it sounds life is not about finding our life purpose but creating our life purpose.
I’ve cried in silence hurt by some words people I love have said to me but I don’t hold a grudge to them because as I said they don’t understand, they don’t really know and whatever anyone judges about me is their own reflection.
Every day I get closer to my goal and guided by my instinct I know what moves to do next because doors are opening to me and I have new chances to prove not anyone else than myself my greatness.
I’m in the right path no matter what anybody thinks of my life choices, I’m not better or worse than anybody and I’m giving myself permission to do things on my own time.
I have to learn that I don’t owe a thing to anybody.
I’ll take my time, because life has granted me the power of choice. The most important part is to keep growing and creating the life of our dreams. Because we’re creators of our reality.
I’m writing and sharing this as a way to let go.
Every second I stop a negative thought I’m co-creating and changing my paradigm.
I want to become better, I want to have a purposely and fulfilling life. I want to inspire and guide and motivate and mentor others to see their greatness because is hard when you feel lonely even though you’re surrounded of people and most people than we think struggle with that.
I want a supportive word.
Let’s learn not to judge people for what we see or think we see on the outside because whatever is going on in the inside we don’t know and it is what really matters.
I love me, and no matter how many times I wished to be someone else, I’d never change who am or who I’m becoming.
Struggling makes us stronger and teach us lessons.
I can either be my biggest fan or biggest enemy but whatever I choose I need to make up my mind first, because as I said: we’re co-creators.
We’re not our mind, our mind is tool for us to use.
I’m getting very very clear in what my next steps are and you guys can’t imagine the joy and happiness I feel being so certain of my own success.