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The demon is now me in my child’s eyes

Um basically that I’m not crazy that she’s being rediculous and selfish and legit tell me I’m right not dismiss it like oh how about we try and work with her even more then what I just sent u and have her make it even more difficult on me u all think it so easy I get off work at 9 no way I could take him to school and my son will want to see his family at my house not just Legoland everyone always thinking of themselves and sh** one day I won’t be here and then everyone will see how far I was pushed and how hard.

I worked and how hard I tried and when that happens itll be too late because I’ll be gone u have ur kids u have ur husband Stephen does everyone has someone I legit am all I have so the only kind of love I get to where I feel like I’m needed is my son he’s all I have and what keeps me going but Jesus iv been fighting like a maniac for almost 6 years now to keep him in my life and sacrifice my health my happiness my everything just so I can pay child support and try to get him as much as I’m able outa of pure selfishness no one gets it no one trys to get it everyone is focused on everything else to really see what’s going on u have no idea how many times I write my good bye letters to everyone but stop when I get to my son because I legit can’t and won’t and absolutely refuse to leave him alone with that b**** and that selfish family all he has but Jesus dude I’m not super man I get sh** from everyone in every direction and constantly get told and made to feel like I’m hated and everything else when I legit do so much for everyone and care so much about everyone and the one thing I have my happiness is my child my son and I never get to even take him for more than a day and I’m dead tired because I work my a** off to distract myself from my sh**y existence and misserey.

I’ve been thru hell and back my entire life and I’m stronger because of it but no one understands that my laughter my smiles my jokes my comedy is to distract me and everyone else to the reality that I’m on the verge of death the verge of giving up the verge of loosing hope the verge of saying goodbye to the one thing that deserves so much more than I could give my baby boy my hero my heart my soul my everything my pride and joy how happy I was to find out of his creation and ready I was to bring the beautiful blessing to the world into my life how ready I was to be there and watch the miracle of him every step every laugh every tiny amazing miracle of him growing and learning and I’ve had all the dreams all the hope to be there and deserved to be there still deserve to be there and missed so much of his life because of a evil hateful selfish heartless demon that manipulated my mind my actions and my heart and took what strength I had and fed on it with pleasure and sick love for destroying my soul I’m living in hell and the demon that is evil has fed clawed and sucked away my will to the point where I’m just a dim light of what I was born to be and have the potential to be the light is almost out and my little savior my baby boy is left with nothing but a shadow a like a belief that his protector didn’t care and wasn’t there and the demon will feed him nothing but lies and hate and fill him with nothing but hate and resentment and confusion and anger until his sweet Innocents vanishes and light starts to dim and left to feel all alone this is as deep as it gets.

Do I share this do I send this questions I am left with do I open up and cry for help scream for help problem is I’ve been screaming for years and I’m trapped so far into the darkness that no one can see or hear the crys the begging and pleading for it to end save me Help me someone but there’s no one just me my miracle and the demon trying to devour what’s left of my soul and diminish me from existence and tarnish and manifest itself to become the very image of me and my baby boy will look at me as nothing but the very demon that left him without a father as the demon feeds him the darkness I left behind the memory of me will be nothing but a random thought that will be covered up by lies and fear and resentment in my child’s eyes because the demon is now me in my child’s eyes and that’s when the demon wins that’s when the demon is finally full not after I’m gone but when the last bit of love or light I leave behind is replaced with itself and my baby boy thinks of me as nothing but the very demon that destroyed me then just maybe then the demon will win cause now the demon is my son’s mother the only one there and becomes the hero and I become the demon in his eyes I’m lost I’m afraid I’m alone and begging and pleading for it to change to end to stop in the end if hell is for ever and if I’m in hell and it really is for ever then the only thing I’ll be wanting or screaming or hoping is for it to end to stop to cease to exist in the end my enemy is not the demon feeding on my soul it’s the never ending pain and suffering the forever the continue the hope the urge to keep going in the end my enemy is time and the only way I can stop time is to take my self out of the equation and the light that is left the life the will to live goes out dies disappears and leaves nothing but a void and darkness like it never existed good bye is close and hope is lost my will is gone nothingness is where I’m headed my little miracle is all that keeps the light inside my soul lit the flame is low and I’m affraid that it won’t last or make itit.

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