I am twenty three years old and feel as though I have done nothing with my life.
I was raised in a Christian conservative family and was very sheltered from the world. I was not raised like your average kid is today, no sleep overs no going to a friends house to play, no pets, no boyfriends. I appreciate the innocence my parents tried to keep in my life as that allowed me to believe there is still good in this world, however I feel as though I was somehow cheated from the world.
I missed out on too many things to count. In high-school I was quiet and had two friends who I do not talk to now as I was raised to know the only people you can count on tend to share the same DNA and last name. College came and went, I did not graduate and did not enjoy the college experience as I only made one friend in four years and guess what? we don’t talk anymore.
I am now twenty three years old, and growing up I felt like I didn’t belong in my own skin. Nothing to do with my sexuality it was more mental – however in my parents faith mental health issues are a no no. I recently discovered that this on going feeling and condition is called depression.
I suffer from depression and social anxiety. Let me assure you growing up without being able to label what it was that was going on in your head, is probably the scariest feeling in the world. Feeling alone and completely alienated from everyone and not knowing why simply sucks.
Here I am now living my best life, making friends, going out to parties, going on dates and falling in lust not quite love. I have a job that stresses me out on the daily, causes me to break down in tears every once in a while but I wouldn’t change it for a thing. I have an amazing best friend and a great sex life. I have not had a panic attack or episode in about 4 weeks which feels amazing. I am open to trying what ever life had to throw my way. With all that being said I still feel like there is this giant hole of emptiness and a I don’t know feeling.
The hard reality tends to creep in and hits me hard at the most inconvenient of times.
It reminds me of how much i dislike looking into mirrors because the person who is looking back at me is not pretty enough and too fat, skin is uneven and discolored, hair is not long enough or smooth enough, I wish I was taller, I wish I had longer eyelashes, there is not a single thing I wouldn’t change about myself. There isn’t a single person I wouldn’t rather be. I want to physically crawl out of this shell we call a body and find a new home. Then I realize a week has gone by and I haven’t said a word.
I don’t own a car, I don’t have a boyfriend, I live with my parents, and have horrible credit.
I don’t know what I am doing with my life, my finances are shit, I have a spending problem, I don’t consider my future and I sometimes would rather crawl into my closet and stay there for a couple days.
The sky is blue, the fan is black, I wonder if I can still make it to Walmart to buy a new shirt, I am kinda hungry, oh my goodness I haven’t had cotton candy in forever. FUCK why did he stop talking to me, did I feed the fish today, do fish actually remember things or do they legit have a three second memory, did I let Miranda know that shipment was going to arrive late? SHIT I don’t think I did. I need to get a manicure. — A few thoughts I though I’d write down while thinking them.
Long story short, I don’t think my story has started yet, I think I am still on the prologue of my story… I have so much to learn and so many places to go. I need a hobby, I need to discover my skills and talents. Who am I and what will I become.
Anyways… Thank you for reading.