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I just felt like I was not doing enough

If somebody asks me about the happiest memory of my life, some bad incidents cloud my mind. I have never in my life had tears of joy. I sometimes wonder how it feels like to be really happy. Because it is something which is still a news to me. There is no day in my life which I would like to revisit. I just keep on hoping that my life will get better.

I know that my life is going to completely change after some months but a happy life seems way too unreal for me. If I fantasise about my future life, a part of my heart always tells me that nothing of this sort is going to happen with you, your life is going to be the same boring one. I have been through so much in my life, everybody has.

But it’s just different for me. I don’t know why. I am actually a really different person. I am not like normal people. I am really introvert but I still like to socialise sometimes. I don’t open up to people very easily. Till now there is only one person in my life that I actually opened up to. And that person is no longer in my life.

That person just left me like I was some filth. And trust me I have never been lonelier. And since then I have never found someone ever near. It just feels so empty. That person was just a friend and there was no scope for anything else from both sides. But man that connection, the one they talk about in movies that really does matter. It’s just raises your standards too high that you might end up feeling lonely as hell afterwards. I have been looking for a connection with someone for two years now. And this has just made me feel lonelier.

I have literally no one is my life that I talk to. I lost all my friends. There are some people in my life whom I call my best friends but in reality they are not even my friends. Yeah I talk to some people and call them my friends but I am nobody’s favourite person and nobody looks forward for talking to me everyday and it sucks. It’s like everything is piling up and there is nowhere to release. There is no one who would like to talk to me. It feels like nobody cares about me. It sucks to be lonely trust me. I was really passionate about writing earlier but now I have given up all my dreams.

I just felt like I was not doing enough, that I was not passionate enough and that I was not talented enough. I sometimes wonder if I took the wrong decision. If I should have never given up writing. I don’t know. It’s a mystery for me. I don’t know what exactly I want but I just want to be happy. No matter how. I just want that connection with someone. I just want someone to show that they care about me. All I know is that at this part of my life, I need to find someone who is always going to there for me and supports me. Love can do wonders, really.

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