My life was a lie for five years. As you read on, you will understand the lie I lived. I had to hide, sneak, and be a person I didn’t want to be. It all started when I met this girl, it was at a church function. She had a small figure, but her body was divine. She had the most amazing smile. Her smile was bright and full of light. Her laugh, it was distinct. When she laughed, you could feel the joyous warmth in her heart.
She was the most amazing young woman I have ever seen and I wanted to be her friend. It started off with me picking on her, not as a bully but as an acquaintance to acquaintance type of relationship. Throughout this church function that’s all we did. At first I was scared, nervous, and had mixed emotions. I didn’t know how she would handle it and I didn’t want to hurt her.
Is it weird that I started caring for her? When the function ended we all had to go our separate ways. When she left with her mother, was it bad that I actually missed her? I missed hanging out with her, talking with her, having fun with her? All these emotions going through my body and I had no idea how to control them. The night our function ended she added me on Facebook, and what do you know, she messages me. From this night on, everything was history.
We became texting buddies. We continuously texted. We sent pictures, dumb messages, creating a bond between our fingers and our phones. It was constantly texting, every day, every night. Any time we had the chance to text, we texted. From texting we both wanted a little more. We both wanted to hangout. Her more though. I was scared to hangout. I was nervous. I had butterflies in my stomach every time she asked to hangout, or see each other, or even just say “hi.” Butterflies? Yes, butterflies! The feeling you get in your stomach when you don’t know how to handle a situation.
At the time, I didn’t understand why I had butterflies. I didn’t understand these feelings I got, it made me question our relationship. We seen each other a lot, at school, church, and just around the community. We lived a couple streets away from each other. We knew the whereabouts of each other, sometimes we would spy on each other, creepy but it made the relationship fun. We even created nicknames for each other I remember hearing “ANA CHILD” echoing in the hallways of school. Yes, she use to yell it for the entire school to hear. It annoyed me, I got nervous and I hid from the humiliation, but it made my heart warm.
She always did it during the transition to fifth period, our classes were across from each other. I had Science, she had social studies. Can you imagine what that was like? She would creep up on me by the door, when she took a break from class. She would even look out of the window of Ms. Stewart’s class. Yes, I know creepy, but that was the fun of the relationship, to make each other feel awkward. Lunch time, we sat at a perfect angle from each other. We could literally look at each other if we wanted to. Sometimes, we’d make eye contact and laugh. Sometimes I’d just feel like looking at her. Other times I felt like she looked at me too. This relationship will keep getting awkward the more you read into this.
As this funky relationship pressed forward we both decided to hangout. I always made sure there was someone else. It was bad. I got so nervous to hangout with her that I ignored her, and paid more attention to the third party that was there, even though we were both there for each other, not the third party. I would make small talk with her once in a while, but it was bad. These nervous feelings were bad. I’m going to be straight up with you readers right now, I started having feelings for her. Growing up in the church it was frowned upon. Being attracted to the same sex was bad.
But I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret. She wasn’t the first girl I had feelings for. There were a couple girls I kind of had the same feelings for, but never pursued them like I did with this one. I got really close with some of these girls, but it wasn’t as close as this recent one. I always had the church in my mind and I denied these feelings every time. I even remember in middle school one of my friends asked me if I liked a certain girl and told me “it was okay.” But it wasn’t okay? The world back then had a ton of hatred towards those who love the same sex. Everything led back to the church. I wanted to be a perfect young woman with flaws, living a Christlike life. The church taught it was the devil playing with the minds of the innocent, torturing them and playing with their feelings. This is why I was so confused, this is why I had to hide these feelings. Life was so complicated, I lived a lie for almost my entire life, but the lie that changed me lasted for five years.
As I continue on this journey, nothing in this will be censored. I will be one hundred percent honest.
Like I said I was nervous to hangout with her. She even noticed and brought it to my attention that she knew. I remember having a couple conversations with her about how she wants to hangout, and wants me to be fun and playful like how I was with everyone else. But little did she know, I was nervous around her and didn’t want to be playful with her because I cared for her deeply. Instead of playing with her I wanted to sit with her and talk story about our lives. I wanted to listen to her tell me all her events that happened throughout her day. I just wanted to listen to her talk and watch her smile. I’m getting a little mesmerized just thinking about it now. It took a really long time for me to get the balls to finally start making conversations with her, playing with her, and even give her some of my attention.
As life went on, our texting grew more, our relationship grew and we started being open with each other. We shared a ton of history to each other. Our deepest darkest secrets were entrusted with the receiver. I found out she comes from a pretty rough background. She was so young when she started drinking alcohol and smoking weed. She was surrounded by these things everyday of her life. My heart was full with sorrow. I wanted to help her, rescue her, and be her shoulder to cry on. I wanted to give her a big hug to let her know everything will be okay. Now, as you know in the church alcohol and smoking were against the word of wisdom. In this world alcohol and drugs can be good at the time, but they can do some damage to your body. People rely on these things to have fun, yeah it’s fun, they have fun, but sometimes the fun can turn into something dangerous, harmful, or even cause death, especially if you’re reckless.
I remember having a conversation with her about this and it was all her decision if she wanted to stop and change. I knew she was going to struggle with it and I knew it was going to be a hard path, but I told her that I will be there for her from beginning to end. If she wanted to change, or stop, I will be there. She still continued to do it and I cut my ties from her for a little while because I wasn’t use to being friends with someone who does those things, but I remember she made a decision to get clean. It was a goal to be worthy to go into the temple and so we worked on that. I’m going to say it was a struggle for her. The pain and hurt I felt, watching her struggle and fight off her demons. I remember telling her she’s going to have to cut all ties with the friends that did this with her daily. It was hard for her, I watched her, but I always told her “God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.” She was strong, she is a strong girl and I knew she would be able to handle it.
This change is what brought us more closer. She relied on me to be there for her and I was. I was always there for her when she had bad thoughts, she listened to bad music, and when her friends kept wanting her to hangout with them. She had this strange bond with them. She always felt like she needed to go to them. I was there for her when she slipped, I was there for her to stop her from making a bad choice. I was always there for her and I felt like a bigger young sister to her. Instead of her going with her friends she would hangout with me. She would come over to my house or she’d just come hangout with my friends. I felt it was my responsibility to be there for her and care for her. All those times we use to walk to each other, meet each other halfway because I was scared, or she was scared.
I remember the nights on the trampoline. We use to wrestle all the time. She would get on top of me and pin me or vice versa. We use to look at each other straight in the face, oh how my feelings for her grew more and more each day. I remember just laying there under the stars with my best friend talking about random things, mostly happy random things. It was so nice to hear her laugh and smile and be happy. She deserved to be happy and I’m glad I caused that smile of hers. I also remember it was her junior prom and all her friends that influence her to do bad things were going to be there and she decided not to go. She was trying to change herself and I knew the struggle she was facing. So, we decided to have another sleepover/stayover. She couldn’t sleepover, but she stayed as long as she could. We played, talked story, but this time I remember just being closer to her. I put my head on her stomach and fell straight to sleep. She was so comfortable, and it was so nice to have body heat because it was a little chilly. I remember her waking me up telling me the four words I didn’t want to hear. “I have to go.” I didn’t want her to go, I was enjoying our moment. So I told her “nooo, don’t go,” in a tired baby voice. I didn’t want my best friend to leave. Another hour passed by and she had to leave. My heart was hurting, my best friend had to go.
Sleepovers became a weekend thing. We did it pretty often. It became a weekend ritual. I was at her house, she was at my house. She was in my bed, I was in her bed. She was with me on the trampoline, and I was with her on her trampoline. It was pretty great. And then comes March 13th 2013. The night of youth conference. Right now what I’m about to explain to you is how my life started becoming a lie. Get comfortable.
It was Friday and we were both at school. We had class right next to each other. She had Mr. Hwang, I had Mrs. Naeata. We were both excited for tonight. I think we were excited to see each other more than being at the conference to be honest. Yes, we were texting during class. HA HA. I forget what exactly was going on at the conference, but all I know is we wanted to play with each other, not do whatever everyone else was doing. So we played in the church hallways, closing doors on each other and other shenanigans. I remember pushing her head into the corner of the door frame. She hurt her eye. I felt soooooooo bad. It was funny, but I felt bad. Literally my heart was aching.
We decided to go outside and I went into to kitchen to see if there was ice in the freezer. Luckily there was ice. I grabbed some ice and I laid her back on my moms car. I iced her eye for her. I felt so bad. She had this swollen eye all because of me and my recklessness. I don’t remember how she got home but I remember her asking if I wanted to sleepover. These were the days when my parents were cool with me hanging out with her. They said I could, but her parents were giving a hard time about me coming over because it was really late. But her mom finally gave in and said yes. I told her I would ice her eye for her when I came over, so I did just that. I can remember this moment like it was yesterday. We were both laying down next to each other, looking at each other, slowly falling asleep, as I ice her eye. She takes the ice pack puts it on her nightstand and turns off the light. We were so close to each other, feeling her breath touch my skin. We were so close that when we talked our lips would slightly touch. We got in closer and closer to the point where we were kissing with no interlock. All I remember asking was “what are we doing?” She replied “I don’t know” and poof, magic, history. Sparks and fireworks were flying, we kissed. We kissed and kissed and kissed. It turned into making out, trying to stay quiet because her sister was in the room with us. I remember pulling her on top of me and literally kissing the night away. We kissed and kissed like there was no tomorrow. I don’t remember what time we finally stopped, but all I remember is it was late and we only got a few hours of sleep. I remember grabbing her sweet butt, and wrapping my arms around her. My gosh how this night was so romantic. My human instincts wanted to do more, but because this happened so quickly it would be nice to take things slow. I didn’t know what this meant, but all I know I was happy I kissed the woman I fell in love with.
Yes, this may seem like a fairytale beginning, and yes this night was so romantic and it was one of the best nights of my life, but this night started the five years of lying. The next morning we had another function to go to. Her sister dropped us off. She was wearing glasses to cover her eye, I felt so bad. The mood was a little awkward between us. We never really said a word to each other. We were both just in shock about what we just did with each other. We were literally stuck to each other like glue. We ended up that afternoon walking to her house and going on her bed and making out again. These past few months I never knew she had feelings for me too. All these feelings coming out through the touching of our lips. Showing our love for each other through the sweet soft kisses we gave each other. It always turned into making out and her on top of me. The kissing got rough and excited. I wanted her to be in control. I wanted her to control me, not the other way around. That night, things got complicated. It was a dance and my mom was there, but all I wanted to do was be with her. We hid in the chapel. Sitting in the dark. And then we went to the car and hid there. My mom didn’t want us going in the car but we did anyways. We kissed for a bit and she laid her head on my lap. I kissed her goodbye and told her “everything will be okay.” When we dropped her off, my mom was getting after me. She was yelling at me constantly. She started getting suspicious. She took my phone away and started going through our messages. She asked me what we did, I told her “we smoked weed.” No we didn’t, that was the first lie that started these five years of lying. My parents thought she was a bad influence after that, but she wasn’t. She always taught me to be good and to love myself.
We both wanted to be with each other but it was hard. We struggled. Our hearts ached, our sleepovers stopped, everything we use to do faded away and it became really hard to be with each other. Our parents never found out about us. They had their suspicions but never truly found out what happened between us. We had to use other people to just hangout with each other. We used seminary as a coverup to hide the fact that we were at the beach making out, being with each other for that one hour. We used so many people just to be couple. It was so difficult to be with the woman I loved. I skipped school just to be with her.
Every time my parents weren’t home I was with her. I also used my baby sisters to cover me while I go hide and be with the woman I love. This relationship was a struggle. Everything was based on lies. I lied to myself, I wasn’t being true to myself, I’ve lied about being with a boy, when really it was a girl, a girl I truly loved. Sometimes I hate myself for not being open and for continuously not being true to myself. I had so many mixed emotions, all I know is that I loved her and wanted to be with her.
Everything turned toxic though. With all the lying and the sneaking around I was hurt by the fact that I couldn’t publicly walk around and hold hands with the woman I love. I disliked the fact that I couldn’t show her off to the world as my girlfriend but instead I had to show her off as a friend. I couldn’t claim her mines to let the world see not to mess with my baby. I couldn’t kiss her in public but instead we had to hide behind closed doors. I hated it and it hurts my heart every time I think of it. I was scared. This world can be a terrible place and sometimes it can turn against you. We had our typical couple fights, but we could never talk it out. It was always through text. I hated texting and my phone calls were always monitored by my mom, so I couldn’t talk to her and work it out. I couldn’t even see her face to face to work it out. It was tough. I hated hiding. I hated the fact that everyone would judge me because I liked a girl. My family laughed and teased me about her. It hurt me, I loved this woman and it hurt.
She got jealous, I got jealous, she didn’t like some of my friends, I didn’t like some of her friends. Everything just got so complicated and I had no one to talk to and I felt completely alone, she felt the same way. I even had to title her as my roommate and not my girlfriend. We moved up together to Portland, Oregon to start a better life for ourselves, but we still lied. We still kept us a secret. We had to do the most dumbest things, just to make sure people wouldn’t think we were a couple. I told my parents she would be living in a student dorm, but we were living together the whole entire time. As you can see, lies filled this relationship, it was toxic, it wasn’t truthful, and it was painful.
I started getting angry. I started allowing my emotions to get the best of me. My emotions, my anger. They don’t make the best cup of coffee mixed together. I started taking my anger out on her and it got to the point where I started abusing her. Five years she took abuse. Towards the last years she got more brave and started fighting back. I have the most regret. I hurt the woman that I loved so much. But our relationship was all lies. I couldn’t handle the fact that I couldn’t talk to anyone about her cheating on me, always hiding things from me. There was no trust, she always hid things from me and I always had to guess. She treated everyone else better than me. When she got jealous, it was bad. She would ignore me and be mean to me. She got jealous before I did. When I started getting jealous things went downhill. I hated the fact that she could freely hangout with her other friends in public out in the open. I couldn’t do that with her. We always had to hide. The only time we held hands was during movie theaters or whenever it was dark, so no one could see. I was paranoid. I hated the fact that I had such high standards, and I should’ve got rid of them a long time ago. I can’t even reach my own standards. I didn’t like the fact that I shut her down too much because I got careless. I got careless, I got mixed up with other feelings I had for other people. I shunned her because sometimes I craved differently. I couldn’t be the best person I wanted to be to her because my life was a lie so I was a lie. My emotions and the anger of not being the person I wanted to be was held in, and she was an easy target and I took it out on her. I feel so bad. I hurt the woman I cared about the most. There is no excuse in this world that can cover up what I did to her, but I hope one day she forgives me.
I got jealous. I got stuck in the world of jealousy. She had so much fun with her friends that I got jealous I couldn’t do the same with her. I was so boring. She wanted me to shop with her, but I got lazy and just wanted to sit and wait for her. I should’ve shopped with her and carry all her clothes. I should’ve watched her try all those clothes on and compliment her with each outfit on. I should’ve complimented her more. Gosh, I was stuck in this phase. I was stuck on other people that I lacked focus of the girl of my dreams. I was stuck on this routine. I would’ve went out to drink with her if she wanted to, I would’ve done everything with her. I was jealous. I was jealous of the fact that tattoos aren’t my thing, but she took her friend Adela with her to get her first tattoo instead of me. Yes I don’t care for tattoos but that would’ve been a nice experience. Like I said I never cared for tattoos, but I was willing to change myself to be more openminded for her. I was jealous that she took her. I got jealous. How much fun she had at work, and how happy she was with her friends. Yes I constantly texted her to make sure she was okay and where she was, but I wasn’t trying to be controlling, I just missed her and just wanted to make sure she was okay.
I always felt like I was a protector for her. I want to protect her. Not control her. Yes I was controlling, but that’s because jealousy took over. I was jealous that when she joined this business she would dress up super classy for her business partners. I wanted to see her in this type of attire all the time. I got jealous because she’s doing this business to have freedom, something I wanted. Here I am yes working two jobs, and yes making money, but this isn’t something I want to do. Everything around her seemed like it made her more happy than I could. Jealousy, strong word but it got the best of me. I got jealous of the fact that this business took up most of her time, we barely hangout because she either came home late, or was too tired. We use to watch movies every night and be in bed together and just hangout, but it all changed after she got involved with this business. I wanted to join this business with her, I wanted to achieve freedom together, but everything took a turn, and I got jealous. Key phrase is, jealousy got the best of me.
Yes I know, this business is very important to her and I totally respect that. Like I said jealousy took the best of me and I hate that. I was jealous of all the perfect couples and we couldn’t be a perfect couple.
For five years I lived a lie. I wasn’t honest with myself, I wasn’t honest to the people I cared about. I wasn’t honest about being with her. I lied, and lied, and lied. I continuously lied about us. I continuously had to hide us. If I could, I would go back in time in a heart beat and change everything. I would be open, and be true to myself. Maybe if things started off differently, I would still be with her today. I got angry and took it out on her because I was mad with myself I couldn’t publicly be the person I wanted to be.
I want to turn back time, I regret everything. This is the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I ruined it. We both wanted the same things. We both wanted to travel the world and live a happy life. I wish I could turn time back. How many times I went to her job and I wanted to kiss her in front of her coworkers. To show everyone that had feelings for her in that place that she was mines, but I was scared. How many times when she was driving the shuttle I wanted to kiss her hi and goodbye, but I was scared. How many times I wanted to cuddle her and hold her from behind at the Saturday market, but I was scared. How many times we went to Sauvie Island and I wanted her to sit between my legs and I wanted to hold her tight and not let her go, but I was scared. How many times I wanted to kiss her publicly because she was the reason for my happiness, but I was scared. How many times we met each other at school, or in downtown and all I wanted to do was kiss and hug her publicly, but I was scared. How many times we caught public transportation and we walked together and all I wanted to do was hold her hand, but I was scared. How many times I wanted to show my affection to her publicly, but I was scared. I couldn’t be myself in front of anyone and I know that is the reason for all of this. We couldn’t be happy publicly.
Now things have changed. I’ve completely lost my best friend. She no longer wants to be in my life. She wants nothing to do with me. I am hurt and heart broken because I caused all of this. I was scared. I now see a therapist once a week and she doesn’t diagnose me. She knows nothing is wrong with me. She is just hurt and saddened that I had to hide the most amazing beautiful woman that I loved so much from the people that mean a lot me. She knows that I am a good person and some of us slip because life isn’t what we want it to be. Right now she is helping me just to better control my emotions and she wants me to love myself. She wants me to accept me for who I am, so that is what I am doing.
I will not tell you my name because I don’t need people stalking me, but as a writer of this piece, readers I want you to know that I am attracted to girls. I was in a relationship for five years with a girl. It was a hidden relationship and I am not proud of it being hidden. I am tired of hiding the person I want to me. I am tired of hiding from this world. I am tired of people telling me who not to love. I am tired of not being able to control my own life. Well, guess what world? IM COMING OUT. I am proud of who I am and I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I will no longer live a lie. My life will be full of truth and light. If people cannot accept me for who I am, then don’t let the door hit you on your way out. Go ahead world, judge me for being me. But at least I’m being honest to myself and now I have full control over myself. I love myself and I love who I am.
Now I write specifically to my recent ex. If you ever read this, just know you were the most amazing woman I have ever been with. I am truly sorry for everything I have done to you. Trust me when I say I will never hurt you again. I am changing, and I want you to know that you are one of my reasons to change. My heart has been touched by you and I will for sure miss you. I hope one day down the road we will cross paths again and reconnect. My ex, I want you to know that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. You brought light to my world, especially when my world got dark. You’ve changed me and the way I live my life. I no longer have high standards. You were and still are an important piece of me. I will always love you my ex. I just hope one day you will forgive me. My dear ex, you are a special angel sent out of love so white and pure, you will fly in life like a dove. You are a beautiful seed so quickly to sprout, you are delightful like a flower inside and out. My ex, you are worth more than this world can offer, you are sweet and innocent, your love is softer. You are the brightest star, in the darkest night, you are the sun during the day, shinning so bright. You are the ocean so crystal and clear, you are the carbon dioxide all humans need in the atmosphere. You easily forgive, your heart is so pure, you are many people’s cure. Your gentle touch can be felt from miles away, your tenderness… never goes astray. Your smile, so vibrant and attractive. your laugh, touches the hearts of others, so impactive. Your hair, brown and ravishing, your eyes, big lovely and charming. My ex, I thank you for everything you have done for me. Trust me when I say I am sorry, and I hope one day you will forgive me.