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I am stressed because of my mother and school

Hello, I’m Kill and I am currently dealing with a lot of anger, it wasn’t a problem since I just bottled it up but I guess it just became it’s becoming stronger, but a horrible way I am dealing with this anger is by punching the walls, I forgot when this started but it’s becoming a problem.

I am also a loner who doesn’t have any real life friends and talk to my therapist once a week. I am very angered by my mom, she lies to me, whenever I mention when my brother is going to leave she is always quiet about that. I also I dearly hate my brother and want him to die and only wish the worst for him, this grudge has been on for a few years.

I fucking hate my school, they are retarded for keeping me in that school since I am not improving there probably only making things worst for me. I do hate myself a lot I’ve already made a suicide date which will be 2 months after I turn eighteen since that’s when you are considered a adult and can make the conscious decisions, the two months is to give myself some more time if I still feel that way.

So, with hitting the wall I’ve only had two situations where I could barely bend one of my fingers, first time I told my mom so I could go to the doctor and she said that it wasn’t broken, which got me pissed and almost made me punch the wall again. Second time I just punched the wall at school and later I felt the pain. I don’t really know what to do I feel like my mom doesn’t care about my mental health at all, hell I barely think she knows what social anxiety even means since when I told her I’ve been ostracised from my school, had to explain to her about what ostracised even meant since apparently she doesn’t even know what that means, but when I told her the definition she asked “Well do you talk to them?” Oh my god I didn’t even consider that you’re a fucking genius why didn’t I think of that sooner.

I don’t think I mentioned this but I have Social anxiety and it’s pretty bad, which is why I mentioned she doesn’t know what social anxiety means but if you didn’t know, now you know. I don’t hate my mother I am just “upset” I do love my mother although it might not look at it. My mom wants me to be someone that I cannot be and always makes me feel bad about myself, yells at my little brother like he committed a crime, she texts and drives putting my little brother and I at risk, she smokes in front of him and me, and whenever I say “Stop being on your phone” she yells at me saying “We aren’t going anywhere” or saying something like saying she’s a good mom, although I do love my mom she isn’t a good mother at all.

You might be wondering where the hell my dad is well he doesn’t live with us anymore since he hit my mom; he talks kind about my mom and says nothing bad about her, my mother says a lot of bad things about him, I don’t blame her though she has every right not liking him, I just think it’s funny. I guess through writing all of this I guess I do bare some hatred for my mom but I think she does try to care just a little stupid. Went on a rant since I wasn’t able to go my therapist this week and I really needed to talk to someone. I forgot to mention ages I’m fifteen. bye

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