It all makes sense now. The reason why I am the way that I am. I’m a twenty-four year old single woman working a full-time job that consumes most of my free time, but thankfully I love my job.
I struggle everyday with an anxiety disorder. Since as long as I can remember being a young kid I have had anxiety.
Some days are fine, most days are a battle within my own head. If you could imagine being backed into a corner with a tall dark wall moving towards you, that’s what It feels like. The only means of escape are up, to climb up that wall and over to the other side before it crushes you.
I’m currently seeing a psychiatrist for therapy and prescribed medication. I started therapy at thirteen years old and from there It’s been one doctor to the next and different medications prescribed. I have admitted myself to the Emergency Room on two occasions because it got so bad I thought I was experiencing a seizure.
I have stomach problems, emotional problems, difficulty making decisions, paranoia, sexual problems and weird habits. I am sensitive to people touching me. Hugging, poking, hand-to hand contact, kissing, sex, anything physical I am reactive in a weird but stimulated way.
I briefly remember a couple moments back when I was super young. It’s so strange, but I remember a moment once when I was so young I must have been 5 or 6. This memory was of a woman touching me in a private area, I think she was a babysitter. I always thought It was just a dream I had when I was younger. I only remember sitting on the floor next to a table and watching the Little Mermaid and then a woman’s voice and hand rubbing me down there and this sentence: “Oh you like that honey let me put some more on.” I wish I was making this up.
There was another time when I was older, around nine or ten. My friend that lived right next door was over at my house and we were playing in my room on the floor. I only remember being on my back and she was on top of me, but there was an adult or someone older in the room too. Somehow, her and I both ended up on our backs lying down crying and feeling humiliated. So… my overall question or point of this is I’m wondering if I have been sexually abused if not once but twice as a child.
If so, It could be a link to my anxiety problem and sexual problem as well. I have never said anything out loud to anybody about these two events that I remember. I fear that something has happened to me years ago so far back I can’t remember details but only certain flashbacks. I’m not quite sure what the next step is now. I feel like I have become a silent victim.