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I gave up trying to get my parents attention

Hi, I’m just your average teenager and I’m about to share something I don’t really like to advertise to people around me but I really need to get this out of my system and sharing it anonymously is the only way I know how. Let’s start from the beginning.

When I was a child, like about 4 years old my parents were rarely home they always went on business trips that would last about a month or two. So growing up I was always with my grandparents but when I was about 6 years old my parents thought it would be a good idea to bring me and my two brothers with them.

So we kept moving to different countries because of our parent’s job. At first I thought that it would be good that we were coming with them because then we would have more time with them but because of their jobs they don’t really stay at home very often and they even hired a babysitter for me and my brothers.

As I grew older I always felt like I had to be responsible over everything even though I had an older brother but he never really does his responsibilities and he doesn’t act his age so me being the second born and the only female I had to be the bigger person in the house, we also have a younger brother but we all know the youngest never does any of the hard stuff and so being the responsible one I was always stressed about things an 8 year old shouldn’t even worry about.

But then we settled in a country when I was 8 years old for about ten years. But in those ten years my parents still travelled a lot leaving us with babysitters in a foreign country and me realising that it wasn’t my job to be the “parent” in the house.

When I was eleven I started getting angrier than usual and I just started to feel like it was normal that my parents weren’t around so whenever my parents were home it would feel very unusual to me. I got jealous of my cousins because their parents loved them very much and was always with them and to me whenever I see them they’re like the definition of family. So then I started to feel like I wasn’t enough for them that I didn’t have enough value, for them to choose me over their jobs.

I started to feel lonely, sad, depressed, angry, and confused at the same time. I felt like a piece of shit they never wanted.

So by the age of twelve I started wanting to get attention from them and so I did whatever a “normal” twelve year old would do to catch her parents attention, I started to rebel against them, I started to break the rules, I started to get in trouble but none of these provided the right kind of attention I needed from them.

Yes, I got their attention but the attention they gave me were lectures about being “responsible” being “sensible” and they even had the audacity to say “We didn’t raise you like this!” well yea you didn’t even raise me I raised myself.

When I turned fourteen I gave up, I gave up trying to get their attention because I knew that I could never really make them love me the way I wanted them to love me I could never make them care about me like they actually cared. So I just started to careless about everything around me I started to not care about my life so much because I realized I was just being a self-centered person that I was just being a burden to them and that they probably never wanted me anyway and probably just had to deal with me.

After realizing I probably never meant anything to them I wanted to die. I never asked for this life. I never wanted to live in the first place. Usually parents are the people who are supposed to make you feel special they’re the people who are supposed to be there for you when you have no friends or when nobody wants you they’re the ones who make you feel wanted but in my case my parents are the people who make me feel small they make me feel unloved they are the ones who make me feel like I’m not good enough they’re the ones who make me want to punch a wall everyday they make punching a wall more addictive for me. Friends?

I only have friends because they want to gain something from me and in the end they all just end up backstabbing me. I just feel lonely. It’s not my fault I feel this way it’s not like I programed my mind to be like this. I never even wanted to breathe or have life. But suddenly my parents wanted to move back to our country after 10 years where I know nothing about our culture or history.

And now a fifteen year old girl I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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