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Relationship of an Adult Dancer

If I am being honest here, he kind of scares me. But it was not always like this, he used to make me all tingly inside. His smirk would melt my insides like a box of chocolates in the sun. The way he complemented my every move. He made me feel like I was truly the only girl in the world. He motivated me to be a better me. But that was my mistake ….

Things were great when I first started letting him spend the night, or be here waiting for me after a long hard night of work. It was nice I appreciated the attention, as well as the love and affection . But of course my job got in the way. I will never be able to realize why things changed so quickly , and so drastically. He felt as if he was my man that he was sharing his woman with everyone in the club I worked in. But I was a dancer before I even met him so how on earth can you feel some kind of way about my job. He felt as if I had to give him money from my nights at work, or lunches with customers. I did not agree with that at all. Of course that was an issue for him. I knew I should have read that red flag, but I ignored the signs.

The first serious argument he degraded me as a dancer, and as a woman. But guess what I was stupid once again. I told him I wanted some space, in needed me time. He did not understand where I was coming from at all. To me that was not fair, I had been catering to your needs and wants for months, and the one time I express my feelings and needs as a slightly mentally unstable person. I need a break sometimes, I enjoy my personal space. I love my privacy being able to do whatever I want without hearing sexual comments. Am I wrong for that?

I remember he tried to kick me out of his car at midnight, about ten blocks from my house. He threw my L out the window and mushed my face so hard, I was shocked. I just wanted to hurt him, I wanted to go home and be alone! No. That was not happening, he followed me back into the house. I just wanted to lay down and gather my thoughts alone, but no he had to get in bed with me. Lets just say he did not take the words no for an answer. Ever. I knew I did not have to deal with this kind of stuff. I mean I still thought I was pretty. For the most part…..

I started to feel so uncomfortable in my own home. Mind you I am paying all of my bills alone. I struggled in silence, only because my tears of pain and stress were a source of entertainment for him. That hurts. I never thought he would do this to me even after I expressed to him what my parents did to me. I’ve always been abused and abandon and taken advantage of. Weather it be money, my time, my energy, my mental state, everything I’ve never been respected as a young woman, or a person period. My life was never easy and it still is not. I’ve worked so hard for everything I have or have ever done, I do this by myself. I hate feeling alone in this world.

Finally I decided I was done after being disrespected so many times. I got sick and tired of it, I stopped taking pictures as frequently, my self esteem was slowly decaying and I was not liking this. I hesitantly started telling him my feelings while I was getting ready to shower and get together for my night at work. I’ll never forget this conversation, it honestly traumatized me. So I told him we were not going to work out. I mentioned to him that I did not agree with how he spoke to me and the little to no respect you have for me was intolerable. He asked me what was I trying to get at, so I told him I was done. The same words were exchanged three times. he asked me ” so your done?” I responded with so much fear in my voice, “yes” . The final time I said yes, He spit right on me. Took all my food out of my fridge and cabinet. I just let him, I was so hurt and so angry. I knew I needed to be mature about this because anything can happed at this point. I wanted to watch him bleed out on my floor, but like I said I was trying to be mature…

You would think this was the end of it. No he would not leave me alone, he pops up in my job and watches me. He blows my phone up all night long . When I see his car my whole body gets hot, my stomach drops into a bottomless pit. I never know what to do, I never know what to expect from him. That’s the worst part. We had gotten into so many physical fights and verbal arguments. I could not take it anymore, I have tried so hard to vanish, I just wish it was this easy. Later I come to find out he’s ruined my life forever .

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